Finally A Cookbook For Those On The Outside Who Want To Eat Like They’re Confined To A 9×9 Cell

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

When Ja Rule was banished to the chokey in 2011 for tax evasion, I was devastated. I mean, who would fill the hole left in our hearts by everyone’s favorite low-growly sort-of-asleep-sounding rapper? Now I’m realizing we should be thankful he was sent to prison, because without all that time to reflect on his mistakes, we would never have gotten the forever gift that is a potential Ja Rule prison cookbook.

Ja Rule made an appearance on the SiriusXM show “Food Talk” (which sounds crappy to us, but something I’m sure Paula Deen would do anything to appear on. Perspective, really.) to discuss his dream of  writing a cookbook based on his time in prison. It appears that during his time in lock-up, he really blossomed into the Gwyneth Paltrow of Cellblock D. Except instead of cooking gluten-free organic flatbread in your outdoor pizza oven, you’re re-heating a sad pile of Beefaroni Bake in a 700-watt microwave while your cellmate asks you if he can “lick the can“.

He explained to Geoffrey Zakarian of “Food Talk” (who sounds like the villain in a Die Hard knock-off) that while in prison, he learned to cook all sorts of stuff in a microwave. Really? It took a trip to prison to teach you that? There are 12-year-old boys heating up an after-school snack of Hot Pockets and Anytizers who would like to have a word with you.

Chef Rule’s cookbook will also teach you how to cook lasagna and cheesecake in the microwave, two things he learned to cook after turning up his nose at cafeteria food. This intrigues me because from what I know of prison (shirtless Christopher Meloni in OZ, back-to-back episodes of A&E’s Beyond Scared Straight) prison isn’t exactly Le Cordon Bleu College. It’s just a never-ending train of bologna sandwiches and foil-sealed apple juices. How the fuck was Ja Rule able to get graham cracker crumbs to make a cheesecake? Was Ashanti smuggling in groceries for him? And does microwave jail lasagna pair well with pruno? Ja Rule better get to writing, because I have a lot of questions that need answering before my next sadness-themed dinner party.

(Pic via

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