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October 15, 2013 / Posted by:

Keebler Pizzarias!

In the early 90s, Hayden Pannettiere’s ancestors were hanging out in the dark part of the forest, gorging themselves on pizza and chips while passing around a joint of the good shit, when one of them said that it would be really, really awesome if a pizza and a chip, fell in love, bareback fucked each other and then gave birth to a delicious pizza chip. That’s how the Pizzaria was created!

Keebler Pizzarias were basically a knock-off of Doritos, but they were better because they had “pizza” in their name and they came in flavors like cheese pizza and pepperoni pizza and supreme pizza. Why sit around and wait a whole 30 minutes for an actual pizza to be delivered when your lazy fat ass can just grab a bag of Pizzarias and swallow that deliciousness whole. The commercial was also the best, because it had an elf whose hair was shaped like the turd you’d squeeze out after eating a whole bag of Pizzarias.

Just like most good things, the Pizzarias didn’t last long and Keebler discontinued them. They sold the recipe off and you can get a version of them made by T.G.I. Friday’s at the gourmet emporium known as The Dollar Tree, but some say it’s not the same.

Because of Keebler Pizzarias, the early 90s was a good time to be a really lazy stoner.

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