Emmys Open Post: Hosted By Aaron Paul

September 22, 2013 / Posted by:

I’m watching the mess that is E! right now and Sofia Vergara just told the malnourished ant Ghouliana Rancic that her underwear is by KMart (she does a line for them) and that her makeup is by CoverGirl (who she has a contract with). I CAN’T! I should’ve started mainlining vodka early this morning to prepare myself for this foolery.

Here’s Aaron Paul and his wife Lauren Parsekian at the Emmys tonight. The Emmys are sort of entertaining if I watch it while my face is attached to a bong mask, but it would be really entertaining if I watched it on Aaron Paul’s gloriously tall infinity head as he screamed BITCH at me over and over again.

This is the Emmys Open Post and if you’re on the East Coast, then this is your Half-Emmys and Half-Next-To-Last-Breaking-Bad Open Post. During the Emmys, I expect at least fifteen tricks to make a twerk joke (I hope Michael Douglas twerks on Matt Damon’s face if he wins), I expect Jack Klugman’s son to crash the stage when the cast of Glee singsIt’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” during the Cory Monteith tribute and I expect to fall into a drunken coma at least 25 minutes into the show.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a good vein to mainline vodka into. And if your ass doesn’t have a TV because you spend all your money on weed and porks rinds, here’s where you can watch a live feed of this mess.

UPDATE: Here’s Aaron and Bryan Cranston posing together. Commence the ass puckering!

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