QOTD: Goopy Paltrow Says That The Internet Is A Dangerous Place For Kids

The Internet really is a dangerous place and it can be a major health hazard. Just right now I went on GOOP and smashed my head against my laptop when I saw a basic-ass basic plaid shirt for $300. GOOP should come with a warning label, because most of the shit on there will make you want to stab your brains by sticking a chopstick in your ear hole. Goopy Paltrow agrees that the Internet can be a scary place and there’s a good reason for why parental controls exist. She tells E! News that Apple Martin saw something NRFC (not right for chirruns) on the Internet and it made her ask a million questions.

“She has such an incredible brain so she’ll ask me anything from what happens when our universe stops—what’s next? She asks me about why bad things happen, if there’s a devil? Is God real or is it an energy? “She’s super-smart. She asked me like really big stuff. The Internet is causing some of these conversations to happen earlier and earlier. She was exposed to a little something—not anything too bad, thank goodness—but by a friend who has older brothers and it’s too early. She’s only 9 and she’s an innocent 9, so we haven’t really gotten to it yet.

I just say [to Apple], ‘There are things on the Internet that are really upsetting and even as a grownup that are too upsetting for me.’ And if she has any questions please come to me and she’ll never be in trouble but that the Internet is not safe.”

Goopy went on to elaborate, “There are things on the Internet that are really upsetting and even as a grownup that are too upsetting for me like ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com and Torrid.com. It’s scary to think that a size 10 exists and you can just buy it on the Internet. Nightmares.”

Yes, the Internet can be unsafe place for children, but you know what’s really, really unsafe for children? Cutting a goddamn school bus off in your Vespa while your kid is sitting behind you.