Dear Europe, You’ve Been Spared

August 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan was supposed to take an open-ended post-rehab trip to Europe, because everyone knows that when you’re newly sober you should go off to the land where red wine comes out of the faucets in your hotel room (that might’ve only been my hotel room). LiLo’s “friend” (see: sugar daddy) bought her a one-way ticket and she was supposed to leave from NYC tonight, but then Oprah floated up to the top of her mountain in Maui and threw a lightning bolt straight into LiLo’s ticket. The Mighty O has spoken and LiLo will not go to Europe. “Consider this my gift to you, Europe.” – Oprah

TMZ says that when LiLo’s new adoptive mother Oprah heard that mess was going to Europe, she made clouds scatter by speaking up! Oprah told LiLo that if she goes to Europe, she’ll probably end up once again snorting bad coke off of her sugar daddy’s soft dick on a bare mattress covered in whiskey stains, barf and regrets. TMZ’s source says that Oprah had to call LiLo several times before she agreed that going to Europe is a bad idea.

E! says that instead of going to Europe, LiLo is putting the So and Ho in SoHo by looking for an apartment there. LiLo is so serious about keeping her rubber slug lips off the crack pipe that she plans to move her sober coach, who’s a dude, in with her. How very Juliette’s mom from Nashville of her.

If Oprah really does get LiLo to actually make good life decisions, then she really is God’s God, because I don’t think even God performed miracles like that. And I’m sure that free ticket to Europe isn’t going to waste. White Oprah is at the airport right now with her snortin’ nostrils ready to go.

And here’s LiLo filming her “docu-series” (aka scripted reality show masquerading as some fancy shit) in NYC today. I don’t know if that’s a choker from the Contempo Casuals archive closet or a tracking collar that Oprah put on her ass.

Pics: Splash

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