Afternoon Crumbs

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux took their moms out and he should’ve worn a pair of eyeglasses if he wanted to be a member of their Lens Crafters Mafia – Lainey Gossip 

Why in the hell do they need writers for the Magic Mike musical? Well, I guess somebody has to write the stage directions: “rub crotch on audience member’s face” – Towleroad

That’s funny, Adrianne Curry’s wearing the exact same costume that Charlie Sheen’s call girls wear when they don’t want to inhale his diseased stankness – Hollywood Tuna 

Kate Upton has a calm and serene look on her face that says, “Yes, I’m pissing in the ocean as you jack off while looking at my chichis.” – The Superficial 

Jesse Tyler Ferguson married his piece over the weekend and I bet when they kissed, their brows looked like two weasels humping on two fox fur stoles – Celebitchy

This headline was the original synopsis for Kim Kardashian’s sex tape – Drunken Stepfather

Vanessa Hudgens knows that a bikini paired with a body chain is like a single rose paired with a crystal vase. It’s simple elegance personified – The Berry 

And here’s Vanessa Hudgens looking like a rolled-up crocheted napkin – Popoholic

Linda Stasi should send the Tiffany pen that Pimp Mama Kris tried to bribe her with to the lab, because I’m sure it’s covered in Kim Kardashian’s snatch nectar (aka deadly poison) – IDLYITW

How dreadful: Karent, formerly of The Real Housewives of Miami is close to joining the cast of The Real Homeless of Miami – Reality Tea  

Here’s RiRi’s pierced nipple for the zero of you who just woke up from a coma and have never seen it before ever – Just Jared

SHOCKER: Puck from The Real World is still a picked scab on an asshole – HuffPo

The Internet’s sweetheart is not a computer guy – Videogum

It’s the Heat Miser’s fabulous gay cousin Flame Spendthrift – SOW

Everybody but Tina Turner wore white to her wedding – Popsugar

Helen Mirren’s ensemble needs something that begins with “Lucite” and ends with “heels” – I’m Not Obsessed