After two political posts this morning, I can finally get back to what’s really important in America. No, I’m not talking about looking at pictures of Richard Simmons (we might get into that later). I’m talking about The Dramatic Fall of the Baroness of Butter.
Paula Deen’s messy and sloppy “I IZ SORRY” publicity tour crashed into Today this morning and she did not disappoint. It was weird, it was crazy, it was seriously over-dramatic, it was fucked up and I loved every second of it. Paula punched at the air, pulled down the curtains, slid against every wall and clutched at her chest while talking about how she has to hold her broken friends as they weep over her downfall. I could almost hear The Gone With The Wind theme song. It really is a good time to be a high school drama student. Because when school starts again in the fall, every single high school drama student is going to do Paula’s woe-is-me monologue and they are going to kill it. Gold stars for everyone!
Matt Lauer started the interview by reminding Paula that The Food Network and the ham company both dropped her ass and then he asked her if she was only there to save her multi-million dollar butter kingdom from melting. Paula said she wasn’t there to keep the millions from falling out of her bank account, but then she said that she wouldn’t have fired herself. Matt asked Paula about the times she’s used the N-word and the spirit of every novella compelled her to get extra dramatic when she grabbed his leg and told him about the time she was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Even though Paula testified that she used the N-word a few times during her 66 years on earth, she told Matt that she only used it once and it was after that robbery.
Matt being Matt didn’t straight-up ask Paula about the time she said she wanted a plantation-style wedding and instead he kept pressing on her about the N-word. Matt asked Paula if she thinks that black people are offended by the N-word and she pulled this out:
I have asked myself that so many times because it’s very distressing for me to go into my kitchens and I hear what these young people are calling each other. It’s very, very distressing.
The Hallmark Hall of Fame moment came when Matt asked Paula why she didn’t just lie under oath and say that she never used the N-word before. Drops of Land O’Lakes filled her eyes when she told Matt about the time she let her grandson Jack stay up late and he told his parents about it. When Paula asked Jack why he got her into trouble, he told her that can’t tell a lie. Paula broke down as I stood up to clap and throw a bouquet of fried zucchini flowers at her.
Then at the very end of the interview, Paula turned the fuckery and foolery all the way up and even quoted POPEYE!
If there’s anyone out there that has never said something that they wished they could take back. If you’re out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me. Please. I want to meet you. I is what I is and I’m not changing.
And then Paula went on to say, “It’s like what my mammy used to say to me, ‘You is smart. You is kind. You is important.'”
Here’s the full interview if SOAPnet is down for you and you need some theater today:
Paula worked it like the last stick of butter was dangling in front of her face. I don’t think she won her Food Network contract back, but she did win a Daytime Emmy and every community theater award.