Angie Jolie’s Getting Her Ovaries Removed Next

May 15, 2013 / Posted by:

In Angie Jolie’s op-ed piece for The New York Times (which has already won two Pulitzers and has been re-published in every esteemed medical journal in the world, thankyouverymuch), she writes that doctors told her she has also a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. Angie’s mother Marcheline Bertrand died of ovarian cancer in 2007. Angie wrote that she had a preventative double mastectomy first, because it’s a more complicated surgery and her chances of getting breast cancer are higher. People says in their current issue that Angie is also going to get her ovaries removed.

Every tabloid editor just choked out an intern, because they just lost 30% of their covers. There goes their semi-monthly “Brad Storms Out After Angelina Reveals Surprise Pregnancy!” cover. They shouldn’t worry, though. I’m sure that deep in the bowels of Chateau de Brangelina is a giant freezer room where thousands upon thousands of Angie’s eggs are stored. So the world will be blessed with a million more chosen ones….unless Brad Pitt gets six degrees of stoned one night, stumbles in there and eats all the eggs with hot sauce. That is extremely possible.

And speaking of Brad, he had more things to say about Angie’s mastectomy. Brad said this to USA Today:

“I’m quite emotional about it, of course. She could have stayed absolutely private about it and I don’t think anyone would have been none the wiser with such good results. But it was really important to her to share the story and that others would understand it doesn’t have to be a scary thing. In fact, it can be an empowering thing, and something that makes you stronger and us stronger.”

And Jon Voight, who found out when you found out, also had some shit to say:

“My love and admiration for my daughter can’t be explained in words. I saw her two days ago with my son Jamie. We all got together for his birthday, with her and Brad (Pitt). But I didn’t know. It wasn’t obvious at all. I found out (Tuesday) morning. I was as surprised as anyone and deeply moved by the way she’s handled this. She’s a very extraordinary person, the way she examined it and what she shared.”

And so did my favorite Voight child, James Haven:

“My sister like our mother always put her children first. I am so grateful to be her brother.”

And because why not, Brad Pitt’s mother (who supposedly has “TEAM ANISTON FOREVER, VATO!” tattooed on her chest) also released a statement of words:

“We’re so very proud of Angie, this means so much to our family especially our grandchildren. We love her dearly.”

I’m sure that later today we’ll also get statements from Billy Bob Thornton, Jonny Lee Miller, Jenny Shimizu, her kindergarten teacher, her Gia co-star Kylie Travis, James Haven’s taint waxer, Maddox’s personal secretary and Dina Lohan (because she has nothing better to do than get drunk and write statements).

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