Lindsay Lohan Will Spend The Summer In The Hamptons

I love it when a dude in a v-neck says everything with a downward side-eye so I don’t have to.

Lindsay Lohan is going to start drying out on May 1st and since TMZ knows every detail of every single part of her life, they know where she’s going to rehab. They say that even though LiLo’s tiny little lawyer Mark Heller is telling the media that she hasn’t made a decision about where she’s going to rehab, she has made a decision and she’s checking into the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach, NY.

TMZ says that lockdown rehab for non-criminals only exists in the fairy land in Mark Heller’s mind, but the Seafield Center is sort of close to being a lockdown rehab. Seafield has cameras everywhere and there’s staff always at the front door, so if she leaves, they can’t stop her, but they will call the police. Leaving rehab will violate her sentence and she’ll be thrown in jail immediately (uh huh). Prosecutors apparently signed off on the place and are okay with it.

The Seafield Center’s max program is 28 days long, but the center’s administrator put together a special 90-day program just for LiLo. LiLo’s total stay will cost her over $51k and she isn’t allowed to smoke cigs, use a cell phone or dress slutty. I’m surprised the last one wasn’t a deal breaker for her.

The chances of me not crying in my bed while hugging an empty bag of Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies at least one time this week are greater than Lindsay Lohan actually spending all 90 days in that place. Bitch is going to break out of there 5 minutes after checking in. But I don’t know why she would want to leave. Spending 3 months in a luxurious spa in the Hamptons sounds like a prize you’d get on The Price is Right. What Lindsay Lohan should do is get one of us is to put on a water-damaged leather orange mask and a ginger wig and pretend to be her while we hang out in a luxurious resort for 90 days! Then she can put on an Amanda Bynes mask and continue to be a mess all through NYC. It’s a plan!

And in other LiLo news, Radar says that LiLo’s friend Claus Hjelmbak planned to stage an intervention on her and he asked Liza Minnelli to help him. Liza’s rep confirmed that he asked her and said that she couldn’t do it, because she was on tour in South America. I don’t know if Liza would’ve helped, but at least she would’ve busted out a whole lot of jazz hands and high kicks and made it the best intervention ever.