You Won’t Find One Chicken Egg Or A Slice Of Bread In The House Of GOOP

GOOPY Paltrow’s last cookbook was a vomit-inducing gourmet treasure trove of pretentious fuckery (example: “One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn’t thought of dessert.”) and for her second cookbook, It’s All Good, she put the wood-burning stove away and is getting into her food allergies instead.

It seems like it was just yesterday (it practically was) when GOOPY was bragging about how she eats anything she wants and now she’s saying she can barely eat anything. GOOPY writes that one day she was serving lunch in the garden and she started to feel the same way I feel when I read GOOP:

“One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die. I had just served lunch in the garden at home. I had a vague feeling that I was going to faint, and I wasn’t forming thoughts correctly. I got a searing pain in my head, I couldn’t speak, and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was having a stroke.”

She went to the doctor and he told her it was just her brain trying to escape from her head again. No, he told her that she was severely anemic and had a vitamin D deficiency. After that, she cleansed herself of all the delicious things I shove down my eating hole on a daily basis: coffee, booze, sugar, potatoes, wheat and meat. GOOPY also found out that her husband Chris Martin and her two kids, Apple and Moses, are gluten intolerant, so she doesn’t given them any pasta, bread, rice, sugar, dairy or chicken eggs. They basically eat heirloom kale seeds and drink fair trade dew drops imported from Holland.

“Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across . . . seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs.”

You know how some kids of celebrities grow up and get really into the bad shit and get arrested for all sorts of shit? Well, that could happen to Apple and Moses but instead of snorting Lohan powder, they’re going to snort sugar and instead of getting arrested for drug possession, they’re going to arrested for devouring donuts in the grocery story aisles before paying for that shit. They’re gonna go full Little Chrissy.

via The Daily Mail