Brangelina’s Pink Holy Water Sells Out

It took all the members of Brangie child army nearly 5 months to harvest enough virgin blood and collect enough of Jennifer Aniston’s tears to make 6,000 bottles of the Brangelina pank wine and it took only 5 hours for that crap to sell out.

Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie’s Miraval Rose, made from grapes from the vineyard on their estate in France, went on sale online yesterday morning and by the afternoon, it was all gone. A rep for the Perrin family, the winemakers who actually made the wine, told People that all six-bottle cases (which went for $139 a case) are gone. But if you didn’t get to buy a case, don’t worry, you’ll still get a chance to taste Brangelina’s pank wine (which probably tastes like James Haven’s saliva and goat sweat), because it goes on sale to restaurants and wholesalers later this month.

You’re probably assuming that the Brangeloonies bought up every last case, because they figured that Brad Pitt made a regular habit out of stumbling into the vineyard to take a piss on the grapes after getting really, really stoned. (Side note: the label on the Brangelina wine should also read, “infused with Pitt piss.“) But I don’t think the Brangeloonies bought up all the bottles. I mean, the wine went on sale online at 9am and was sold out by 2pm. The computer lab in every Brangelooney ward at every mental hospital doesn’t open until 3pm, so it couldn’t have been them. It was obviously Jennifer Aniston. She’s going to use the Brangelina wine to fill the Porta Potties at her wedding.