Harry Styles Dumped Taylor Swift For Being A Chaste Flower Who Is Obsessed With Antiques

Radar is trying to make us believe that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles didn’t break up, because the expiration date on their contract read: January 5, 2013. Radar says that they broke up, because he’s a man whore-in-training and she’s prude whose idea of a hot Saturday night is watching Antiques Roadshow while knitting her cat a poncho (Note: If you replaced “knitting her cat a poncho” with “playing patty cake with his dog,” that’s pretty much me on a Saturday night too. Maybe I should date Taylor Swift).

In a piece that reads like fanfic co-written by Taylor’s publicist and a nosy neighbor from the 1950s, Radar says that Harry left Taylor with a broken heart, because she just wouldn’t give up the panty enough. A “friend” of Taylor’s said this:

“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a whore because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude. Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women.

It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible. Having a clean and wholesome reputation is super important to Taylor. She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation. Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques! It drove him crazy, so he gave her the elbow!”

It’s funny that they said “gave her the elbow,” because “getting the elbow” means something completely different in my world. And yes, I meant to give an image of elbow sex.  Oh, to have Taylor’s problems. Taylor picks up a young piece, gets dumped for not putting out, writes a #1 song about it and then picks up another young piece to start the cycle all over again. I used to get repeatedly dumped for putting out TOO fast and I have no #1 song to show for it.

And speaking of #1 revenge songs, Taylor tweeted this today….

It begins!