Hot Slut Of The Day!

Squeezit, the waxy bottle of fruit-flavored battery acid that burned the insides of children in the 80s and 90s.

The children of today, who are probably drinking 100% organic tree leaf nectar right now, really need to know that they don’t make children’s drinks the way that they used to. Case in point: Squeezit. Squeezit’s bottle was like a hallowed out wax candle and putting your lips on it was like making out with Cher. Inside of the bottle was some diabetes-summoning deliciousness that tasted like dozens of melted Lifesavers mixed with syrup made from Corn Pops. It was delicious and you wouldn’t expect anything less from a drink whose name made you think of squeezing the pus out of zits.

General Mills squeezed the fun out life by murdering and burying Squeezit in 2001. I will hate them forever for that, because I never got the chance to be a real adult by drinking Squeezit with vodka. I don’t even want to know who bought the “squeeze the fun out of life” tagline. Here’s the commercial that I’m pretty sure was produced and directed by Pedobear:

Oh, Squeezit, you were dead fucking wrong in so many ways, but I will always miss you.