Robert Pattinson Is Selling Cologne Now

October 30, 2012 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt is no longer the only millionaire hobo hawking bottles of stank on the stroll, because E! News says that Dior is putting $12 million in Robert Pattinson’s Styrofoam donation cup for his services as the new face of their men’s fragrances. RPattz, seen here at an event sponsored by Gucci (TRAITOR!), will put his face on Dior Homme ads for the next three years. $12 million is too much money, but I’m sure Dior will make it all back. They’re just assuming that all the crazed, horny Twihards will storm Macy’s and buy every bottle of that crap. Then they’ll attach their vaginas to an IV drip full of Dior Homme cologne, so their coochies are always gargling with the essence of RPattz.

E! didn’t really have that many details, but some source tells them that RPattz “likes the brand.” More like RPattz likes the MONAAAAAAAAAAY.

We should all be grateful that we’re living in a time when two people (read: KStew and RPattz) who probably smell like butt gravy and tonsil stones are getting millions of dollars to sell perfume. But seriously, everyone is always making jokes about how RPattz probably hasn’t stood under a shower head in years, but I bet he has. I bet he showers daily and I bet afterward he covers his skin with pit cheese imported from France and makes his team of hired homeless men fart all over his body, so he always smells like he just woke up from a 10-hour nap in a Port-A-Potty. It takes a lot of time and money to look that dirty.

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