RPattz Is Crying Out Sparkly Tears On Reese Witherspoon’s Laura Ashley Curtains

If you live in Ojai, CA and are wondering why all the grocery stores are out of Entenmann’s devil’s food cake, raw cookie dough logs and tubs of cream cheese frosting, it’s because RPattz bought all of it and is sitting on Reese Witherspoon’s living room floor trying to drown his hurt emotions with gallons and gallons of artificially sweetened carbs while cry singing along to “Bust Your Windows.” Since every tabloid wants to turn this Kristen Stewart and RPattz break-up into the worst and saddest episode of The Love Boat by dropping in cameos from a bunch of Hollywood stars, both People and UsWeekly say that Reese Witherspoon is letting him mend his broken heart in her fancy Ojai ranch.

RPattz and Reese became friends while shooting Agua Para Elefantes and so when Kristen Stewart punched the glitter out of his heart by doing dry butt sex with that married director, Reese gave him the keys to her $7 million Ojai vacation ranch to hide out in. KStew has been calling RPattz to beg him to take her cheating whore ass back, but he doesn’t want to hear it. Basically, he’s saying Ojbai in Ojai. (I know, I need to stop.) Here’s what UsWeekly has to say about this mess:

As Pattinson attempts to relax chez Witherspoon, he is, according to another source, “a total mess . . . He’s questioning everything.”

An “inconsolable” Stewart, meanwhile, has been reaching out via texts and phone calls. “She’s dying to save the relationship. It’s the only thing she cares about,” a Stewart source says.

Oh, please. RPattz should be squee-ing into his bong now that he’s free of that bland bitch. More pot for him! RPattz should also be happy that he’s rich, can take time off and has rich friends with fancy ass country houses for him to be all sad in. RPattz doesn’t know what it’s like to be heartbroken and all out of sick days to use. It sucks sitting in your cubicle, under fluorescent lighting, the morning after your shit got dumped or you found out your ho cheated on you. Trying to wallow in your woeisme-ness under fluorescent lighting is a shitty feeling.

If RPattz running off to Reese’s ranch isn’t just another stunt move in this possible stunt of all stunts, then I hope she has farm animals there. And I hope that some of those farm animals are goats (no, I’m not about turn this into a story about goat rebound sex, so no need to flinch), and I hope that some of those goats are jumping goats. Because nothing turns a frown into an awwwww like a bitchy, racist, drop-kicking baby goat:

Wait. Do baby goats bite their lips? If they do and RPattz sees this, then Entenmann’s better back up their truck directly into Reese’s driveway, because it’s going to be a long weekend.

Here’s pictures from Elle Decor of Reese’s ranch. Shit looks like Pottery Barn’s snobby cousin (let’s call it Marble Barn) farted all up in there.