Queen Aretha Politely Tells Kathie Lee Gifford To Have A Seat

July 17, 2012 / Posted by:

My morning time drunk idol is at it again. Angry whores threw “Do Not Pass Go, Report Directly To Rehab” cards at Kathie Lee Gifford a couple of months ago when she hiccuped out a chardonnay-laced oops by asking Martin Short how his wife was without realizing that his wife died a while ago. Kathie Lee apologized and turned an oops into a YAY by posthumously pouring one out into her mouth hole for Martin’s wife. Well, Kathie Lee is up to her old tricks again and this time she’s slightly offended Aretha Franklin.

On Today’s Happy Time Drunk Hour yesterday morning, Kathie Lee and Hoda yapped about Aretha joining American Idol. Kathie Lee said that Aretha hates to fly, so that’s going to be a problem, and that many of the young bitches auditioning might not even know who the Queen of Soul is. (Note: If you don’t know who the Queen of Soul is, you should immediately be melted down into chaffing cream and smeared all over Aretha’s legendary nipple plates.) Aretha is on top of this shit, because she immediately knocked the wine bottle out of Kathie Lee’s mouth and handed that uneducated drunk a copy of the Encyclopedia of Aretha. Aretha set a trick straight with this statement to CNN:

“While I enjoy Kathie Lee and Hoda daily, her assessment is totally wrong! I’ve been to California from Detroit four times this year and Florida. I go wherever I choose to go comfortably on my custom bus.

Further, my audience and fans span the age of 8 to 90! And are multi-ethnic, and I am very well known to young adults, tweens and teens. Their parents play my music and I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!

I’m surprised Kathie Lee did not research my worldwide celebrity audience! She’s usually right on top of things with a great sense of humor, but she’s totally wrong this time. She should research me before she speaks about me. I’m sure she thought she was right; still enjoy Hoda and Kathie Lee!”

“I take care of my business whenever I sign on the dotted line!” are words to live by, but Aretha needs to do her research if she really thinks Kathie Lee is capable of doing research. Even if Today’s interns wrote those Aretha facts on Kathie Lee’s cards, she wouldn’t be able to read them since reading words is hard when the studio is spinning and your best friend, Chateau Diana, is taking up all your attention by cooing out your name from across the room. That’s why I don’t do research! But I appreciate that Aretha provided some much-needed shade on a hot fucking day.

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