Kris Humphries’ Soul Officially Belongs To The Kardashians Now

August 20, 2011 / Posted by:

You know, I think what’s going on in that picture is that somebody with the cocktail bill asked Kris Humphries what 20% of $250 is. Your brain freezes from drinking a Slurpee too fast. Kris’ brain freezes from simple math. Or maybe Kris has a special sense that tells him when a Kim Kardashian fart has just entered the loading chamber and he’s preparing himself.

FINALLY! The fucking media can stop referring to Kim Kardashian’s STUNT QUEEN wedding as America’s version of the royal wedding. (Unless by “royal” they mean “throne” and by “throne” they mean “toilet.”) Just because Kim’s face was knighted with a big black sword under a golden shower arch doesn’t mean she’s royalty! But yeah, tonight in Montecito, CA, Kris Humphries married Kim Kartrashian in front of 440 people who all met up in the back alley afterward to place bets on how long before the ratings of her reality show tank and she has to bust out a publicity stunt divorce (SPOILER ALERT: 6 months).

People says that Kim wore Vera’s wang (sort of like this one but in virginal white), Kris wore a neanderthal face full of DURRRRR and the reception tent was decorated with the jizz blossoms that floated out of Ryan Gaycrest’s ass when he thought about how this fake mess of a wedding is going to be a 4-hour-long special on E!.

There were rumors that Beyonce, Jay-Z, JLo and Kanye West were going to show up, but they got Lindsay Lohan, White Oprah, Kathie Lee Gifford, Avril Lavigne, Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez, Demi Lovato and Alan Thicke instead. The people who bet on how long Kim’s marriage is going to last should’ve also bet that White Oprah will drunkenly lift up her skirt at the reception and try to fuck the cake, because that’s totally going to happen if it hasn’t already.

And I’m sure everyone shed a tear when Kim raised her glass and gave a special thanks to O.J. Simpson and Ray J’s bladder for helping to make this happen.

(Image via Fayes Vision/

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