Please Have A Seat Over There, Fez

When 30-year-old Wilmer Valderrama isn’t refreshing Affliction’s website for new pieces of joo-ree made out of silver-plated douche bottles, he’s leaning against his Camaro right outside of Disney’s barely legal playground. Wilmer bragged to Howard Stern that his “8-inch” peen plucked Mandy Moore’s cherry out with its lips and he humped on Lindsay Lohan when she turned 18, and now Page Six is saying that he’s added Demi LoVATOOOO to his list. So the new equation for all of you aspiring Hollywood messes out there is: sell your soul to Mickey Mouse + get yourself an ass bag of a dad who won’t shut his mouth hole + get with Fez. Mickey is Fez’s wingman.

A source tells Page Six that Wilmer and 18-year-old Demi first met while shooting a public service spot for the victims of the earthquake in Chile in May. Right after Joe Jonas traded Demi in for an older and bushier beard, she rolled right into Wilmer’s waterbed (you know his ass has a waterbed). Another source says that Demi considers Wilmer a big part of her life and introduced him to her friends as her boyfriend. Apparently, they are still together while she tries to rid herself of the fuckery in a treatment center.

Demi’s spokeswhore kept their lips shut about this and Wilmer’s spokeswhore denied all of it.

Whether or not this is true, we’ll find out the next time Wilmer goes on Howard Stern since he’s all about spilling everything about his past pieces including rating them on a scale form 1 to 10 and comparing their snatches to baked goods (“Mandy Moore was not like warm apple pie” – Wilmer). And don’t be surprised if when Miley Cyrus goes to Disney’s counseling trailer to talk about her parents divorce, she finds Wilmer sitting in the therapist’s chair. Wilmer will smoothly pull down his eyeglasses and say, “Tell me everything…” I swear, Mickey and Fez are totally in CAHOOTS!