Jeremy London’s Alleged Kidnapper Speaks

We’ve already heard and laughed at Jeremy London and his wife’s versions of the night they claim they were kidnapped at gunpoint, smoked to force crack and hand out booze in the “gang areas” of Palm Springs. Oh, and how the crackhead making kidnappers politely drove his wife home after she got scared and started crying. Well, Jeremy’s alleged kidnapper Brandon Adams has burped out his side of the shit, and guess what….it’s totally fucking the opposite of everything Jeremy is saying! Those crackheads should really cut their shit with Gingko so they remember every single detail of their alleged kidnapping.

In a jailhouse interview with Radar, Brandon says that nobody was kidnapped and nobody smoked crack. Brandon says that it all started in front of a 7-11 (doesn’t it always?) on a Thursday afternoon. Brandon and his uncle were begging for beers when Jeremy London and his wife Melissa rolled up in their car. Brandon says that Jeremy and Melissa were looking cracked up, down, sideways and every other which way. As Jeremy and Melissa were acting all kinds of tweaky in the parking lot, a cop car drove up and the two immediately ran inside the 7-11.

A few minutes later, Brandon and his uncle realized that nobody was going to gift them with free beer so they started walking to the bus stop. When they got to the bus stop they spotted Jeremy and Melissa trying to change the flat tire on their car in an alley way. Brandon and his uncle offered to help them. Once they helped them change the tire, they asked for a ride and they all got in. That’s also when the party started. Brandon went on to say, “As soon as we got in the car, Jeremy asked us if we could get him five xanax and five oxycontin. Melissa was asking for xanax too. I told him I could hook him up but that I wanted a couple of beers. He agreed.”

After they dropped Melissa off at home, they went in search for oxy, but they got booze first. Brandon said they got drunk as hell and started driving around his neighborhood in Palm Springs handing out beer to the locals. Jeremy eventually lost his buzz and he started getting hongray for that narcotic. Brandon says, “I hadn’t been able to get any xanax or oxycontins up to that point, but I was finally able to get him three ecstasy and three xanax pills. He took all six pills at once. He was out of his mind high.”

Eventually, Jeremy drove Brandon back to his apartment and met his wife and SIX KIDS. Brandon then drove Jeremy to a hotel and he figured that was that. But now Brandon is in a jail cell trying to fend off Pookie with a bed sheet, and he’s also facing like in the chokey.

I didn’t even grow to love Brandon as Julia’s husband on Party of Five and I still believe his story more than Jeremy’s.

But why would Jeremy tell the cops that the alleged kidnappers forced him to smoke crack when they actually forced his mouth open and shoved delicious xanax and delicious ecstasy in it instead? HOLD THE FUCK, Watson. Maybe there’s another set of kidnappers who snatched Jeremy and his wife first and THEY are the ones who forced them to smoke crack. And then they left Jeremy and Melissa at the 7-11 where Brandon and his uncle snatched them up. That must be it. Tell Detective La Toya I’ll be waiting for my badge at graduation.

And hearing about all this free crack and xanax going around makes me feel really stupid for actually paying for my crack and xanax.