We Can’t All Be As Perfect As AC Slater

Mario Lopez won’t pirouette from his house in the morning until every follicle is in its place, both of his dimples have been polished, and his pecs are perking up real pretty-like. A source tells Page Six that Mario is so obsessed with beauty that he even made his girlfriend, Courtney Mazza, fix her overall body situation before being photographed with her in public. Well, this is understandable seeing as though AC Slater is used to being around perfect goddesses like Jessie Spano.

The source explained, “Courtney was engaged to a guy in Queens before she met Mario, but once they got together she dropped everything to go to California and be with him. He encouraged her to work out with a trainer every day. She underwent a boob job and liposuction last spring. Once her body was perfect, he arranged for them to be photographed on a beach.”

I bet you Mario is one of those crazy bitches who doesn’t even want to think about his girlfriend going pee pee times, so he forces her to play the sounds of the rainforest while she’s pissing so his ears won’t hear it. That shit reminds me of the time I accidentally (okay, it wasn’t an accident) farted in front of some dude I was dating for about a week. Dude acted like I just murdered a family of bald eagles! He told me to go to the bathroom and then asked me if I was raised by wolves. Yeah, farting wolves to be exact. And why would I need to go to the bathroom anyway? To wipe my ass post-fart? That’s what underwear is for.

Anyway, Courtney is currently knocked up with their baby, so that’s going to make things interesting. Mario will have a body waxer, make-up artist, b-hole bleacher and plastic surgeon on hand when Courtney gives birth. And that will be just for the baby!