John Mayer Admits He’s The Biggest Jerk-Off In The World

In a new interview with Rolling Stone, John Mayer continues to sound like a teenage character in a John Hughes movie who just had his first hit of the good shit.

John queefs about everything from how he can’t stop making his penis barf to how he’s looking for the Joshua Tree of vaginas (to go with his Death Valley of penises).

John gives me Tourettes. One second, I’m laughing at the ridiculous shit he says (i.e. brain bath, more butt holes than a proctologist), and the next second I’m punching myself in the froat for jacking him off even more with my laughs. I mean, just when you think John’s bowels are completely empty, he makes you pinch your nostrils by barfing up even more diarrhea.

Put on your rain boats and venture into John’s lake of bullshit:

John on being rejected by chicks at club:
“Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”

John on finding the Joshua Tree of baginas:
“All I want to do now is fuck the girls I’ve already fucked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there,too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

John on jacking himself off every second of the day:
“I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It¹s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

John on burning Aniston:
“I’m the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’ I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt attached. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it.”

John on the gay rumors:
“I don’t care about anything other than energy. That’s why people think, ‘Is he bi? Is he that?’ I’ve never slept with a man. But I get it. I’ve seen pictures of men on the Internet that are sexier than pictures of most women.”

You kind of have to laugh while punching yourself in the froat like me, because what in the fuck of fucks? This is like getting a colonic while completely stoned.