Zoe Saldana

The Into the Woods movie is happening and right now director Rob Marshall is looking for actors to join Meryl Streep (as the Witch), Johnny Depp (as the Wolf) and James Corden of Gavin & Stacey (as the Baker). The Hollywood Reporter says that beard aficionados Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Pine got in front of Rob Marshall and auditioned for Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince. In the stage production, the same actor plays Cinderella's Prince and the Wolf, but I guess they're splitting that shit up in the movie.

THR says that they haven't put contracts in front of Jakey or Zachary Quinto's partner in giggling just yet, but the two sang in front of Rob Marshall and deals will be thrown at them any day now. THR describes the roles of the Princes as "brothers who are pompous and self-absorbed." Cinderella and Rapunzel are the fairy tale world's premiere beards, so I approve of this casting decision.

Your ass might be wondering if Chris Pine and/or Jakey can even sing. Does it even matter? Russell Crowe's singing voice sounds like a bear farting into a fan and they gave him a lead role in a movie musical. A deaf seal with severe laryngitis can probably sing better than Pierce Brosnan can and he also got paid to sing in a movie musical. Hollywood don't care! But you can judge for yourself if you want. Here's a clip of Jakey singing and a clip of Chris Pine singing.

Since Rob Marshall is obviously making a few changes to Into the Woods for the movie, he should add more layers to the Princes. The Witch should cast a spell on the Princes, making them allergic to wearing clothes and the only time they're able to sing is when they sing into each other's butts. It's what the audience (aka probably only me) wants and The Brothers Grimm would totally approve of these changes!

And here's Chris Pine at last night's L.A. premiere of Star Trek: Into Darkness with some other tricks including Alice Eve, Zachary Quinto, the extremely androgynous Zoe Saldana (wearing a bedazzled shredded condom) and John Cho.

Aren't you just looking at that naked picture of an obvious woman and asking yourself, "Is it a woman? Is it an alien? Is it an exquisite Filipino gay twink?" That's the power of Zoe Saldana's androgyny at work. She's just so androgynous. If she only knew what "androgyny" meant....

Bradley Cooper's ex-beard is on the cover Allure Magazine and during the interview she told them that she's done with dating actors. Zoe refused to say whether or not she's gotten with a chick before, but she did say that maybe one day she'll raise a kid with a lady, because she's androgynous and that's what androgynous people do.

"[I might] end up with a woman raising my children.....that's how androgynous I am. Yes, I was raised that open."

Oh, Zoe, if only you were raised to know what the definition of "androgynous" is.

The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey's rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:

"I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!"

Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn't honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman's piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron's body in The Paperboy.

The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here's the list of winners:

Best Feature - Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film - Amour
Best Female Lead Performance - Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance - John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography - Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary - The Invisible War

And here's a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.

For the second time in a year, Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper's publicists and lawyers have thrown up their hands and walked out of a conference room with their heads hanging in shame, because they just couldn't come to an agreement and contract negotiations officially broke down. Zoe and B. Coop have broken up forever and they'll probably never sign their names on the same relationship contract AGAIN. First, the Katie Holmes/Jake Gyllenhaal rumors turn out to be a falsity and now this? Beards are having the worst week ever.

Zoe and B. Coop first got together after filming The Words and then they broke up for the first time in March before getting back together in September. And now Page Six says it's completely over. Zoe was supposed to spend Christmastimes in Europe with B. Coop and his family, but she went to Miami instead. A source said this:

“Zoe had planned to spend the holidays with Bradley and his family in Europe. They all were going to Paris, but things didn’t work out between them. Zoe spent New Year’s Eve with friends in Miami.”

So Zoe skipped out on the chance to hear Bradley Cooper order a buttered croissant with an extra foamy latte in panty creaming talk (aka French)? It really IS over. It's not Zoe and Bradley's fault that they didn't get to spend Christmas together. It's CBS Film's fault for releasing The Words on DVD right before Christmas, and because they did that there was no reason for B. Coop and Zoe's relationship to go on any longer. DAMN YOU CBS Films for screwing with holiday love!

P.S. THE WORDS available at your local Redbox NOW!

When filmmaker Cynthia Mort announced that she was writing and directing a Nina Simone biopic, Nina Simone's own daughter, Simone, pretty much blew a fart at it, because the family was never asked to participate. The Nina Simone Estate didn't put their stamp of approval on Cynthia Mort's movie. Simone and The Nina Simone Estate made it clear that they would rather see a Nina Simone biopic made with LEGOS than see Cynthia Morton's Nina Simone biopic. Then when it was announced that Zoe Saldana was playing Nina Simone, Simone really rolled her eyes into a double side-eye. Simone told Ebony Magazine that when she thinks of actresses who should play her mom, she doesn't think of Zoe Saldana.

I love Zoe Saldana’s work. I’ve seen some of her movies more than once and really enjoy what she brings to the screen. As an actress I respect her process, but I also know that there are many actresses out there, known or not, who would be great as my mother. The one actress that I’ve had in my heart for a very long time, whose work I’m familiar with already, is Kimberly Elise. Many people have spoken to me about Viola. I love her look. I love her energy. Both of the actresses that I’ve mentioned are women of color, are women with beautiful, luscious lips and wide noses, and who know their craft. I also have no problem introducing someone we’ve never heard of before who can play my mother.

Simone said this back in August and now here's pictures of Zoe as Nina on the Los Angeles set of that mess of a movie this past Friday. Somebody should check on Simone, because she probably just side-eyed so hard that several vessels popped and she might need medical attention. Did they really need to put Zoe in black(er) face and throw a prosthetic nose on her? Even Zoe Saldana is making a face like she knows this was a bad idea. It's the same face I make when a trick I just met on Craigslist opens his apartment door and I realize the picture he sent me was taken 30 years ago. I should've gotten the hint when the picture was a scan of a Polaroid.

The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.

Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.

No, this is not a picture of Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana showing off the amazing skills they learned from Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal's School Of Showmance Acting. This is B.Coop and Zoe acting acting on the set of their movie The Words back in June. Last month, some whores were trying to say that B.Coop brought Zoe Saldana in for a beard fitting, but both of their reps tore up that rumor up. This made Father Victor Garber throw a holy smoldering side-eye at that situation. But now, some source is telling E! News that B.Coop and Zoe are definitely bumping assholes and they're even spending the holidays together in the Rockies. This definitely made Victor Garber throw an "Are U Serious?!" scowl face. E! News puts B.Coop's latest fauxmance like this:

But as recently as last week, a source tells E! News, they were telling friends that they had plans to go skiing in the Rockies together over the holidays.

"They are totally dating," the source says.

Reps for both stars did not immediately return requests for comment.

Saldana and her boyfriend of nearly 11 years, Keith Britton, called off their engagement and revealed that they had broken up in early November.

In the past few months, B.Coop has supposedly been humping on JLo, Olivia Wilde, Melanie Laurent and now Zoe Saldana. B.Coop better slow his shit down or he's going to get face chaffing from growing and shaving so many damn beards. And his publicist is going to get burnt fingertips from working the BlackBerry so hard. But seriously, doesn't it seems like it was just yesterday when B.Coop was trying on his first beard, Squinty Zellweger, and now he's like a seasoned beard wearer and shit. Renee must be squinting out a prideful tear over how much her B.Coopy has grown.

As Kim Kuntrashian served up a paper plate full of lukewarm publicity stunt, Kirk Douglas, who has volunteered at the L.A. Mission since the beginning of time, NOM NOM NOM-ed on a piece of turkey. The world could've been ending around Kirk, but he wouldn't have noticed since all of his focus was put into gumming the hell out of that turkey. Kirk eat, prayed and loved that piece of turkey. This pussy knows what I'm talking about. Before I recreate these pictures with a dinner roll dipped in cooking wine, I just want to wish all you sluts a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for giving my posts your eyes even though I talk about dick fromage and anuses all the time. So I'm thankful for that and thankful that dick fromage exists so I can talk about it all the time.

It's true that us Americans only have Thanksgiving dinner so that we can build up our strength for the Running of the Assholes at midnight tonight. You know, that's when we all gather at Best Buy and kill each other as we run toward a 5% off 3D Plasma TV. It's like the capitalist version of The Hunger Games. So I hope that when you knee me in the dick and chin me in the nipple to keep me from grabbing at that 3D Plasma TV, you do so with love. We're practically family!