Your Hairline Scares Me

Jermaine Jackson named 2 out of his 9 children Jermajesty and Jaafar, so he obviously has his doctorate in Fucked Up Names and he's at it again. This time Jermaine Jackson is dipping his own last name in liquid foolery. The L.A. Times says that Jermaine has gone to court and asked them to let him legally change his last name from Jackson to Jacksun. Yes, JackSUN. That sounds like the name of a lube made of orange juice. We all know that Jermaine is changing his name because he is crazy and suffers from chronic attention whoreism, but he claims he's doing it for "artistic reasons."

If you read that last part as "artistic raisin" and then looked up at that picture, this story probably makes even more sense to you.

Before Jermaine Jackson officially becomes Jermaine Jacksun, a judge has to approve it, he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change. In other words, bitch is going to attention whore the shit out of this name change.

Jermaine Jackson looks like the broken condom baby of a chewed up piece of steak fat and the sun, so changing the "son" in his last name to "sun" is fitting. You know, though, I shouldn't challenge the decision making skills of a California Raisin who can work every sparkle on a Zales tennis bracelet and who fills his hairline in with a Sharpie. Jermaine styles his hair to look like a melting tire, so I shouldn't question him on anything. The bitch knows what he's doing.

Donald Trump dropped his huge bombshell that was supposed to send the election off the rails, and as expected, it's about as explosive as a flea's follow-up queef. Trump didn't say that Obama's nose swallowed the Lohan powder during his college days. Trump didn't say that the Obamas almost got divorced one time a million years ago. Trump's huge announcement is that he'll write a $5 million check to Obama's charity of choice if the president releases all of his college records, applications and passport stuff. I need that $5 million so I can build a time machine and go back to the 80s to kick my young self in the face for buying the Trump board game at a garage sale.

Obama has until 5pm on Halloween to hand over all those stupid documents or Donald Trump is ripping up that $5 million check. Can the entire $5 million go to the FDTTACSSCOHBEF (Feed Donald Trump To Ann Coulter So She Chokes On His Bloated Ego Foundation), because I might chip in a few coins if it can. This greasy cheese bubble-looking twat.

You shouldn't even bother listening to what that talking merkin has to say. Just watch this video of a fox eating and burying marshmallows instead:

This fox would never EVER blackmail a president.... unless that president had 5 million bags of marshmallows and then he might.

Here's People showing us the EXCLUSIVO picture of Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey's wedding they got in exchange for a bag of purple haze ganja and a bongo drum that doubles as a bong.

Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic 'N' Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn't wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.

"We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we'll take together."

Translation: "I'M BAKED, MAN." 

I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender "I'm going to poke at you to see if you're real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination" pose.

If you molded a Raven from RuPaul's Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz's hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge's escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh's old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you'd have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.

If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he'd be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!

Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don't pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters' eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!

It was very gracious of The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Juicy Delicious and Theresa Giudice to donate the money* InTouch paid them for their fake second wedding pictures to help their relatives at the Save the Gorillas Sanctuary, but she really should've used that money to pay a professional who won't fix a short sale wig to the top of her head with slow-drying carpenter's glue. That hairline looks like the crusty edges of a lasagna that was baked in a way too small dish. Just crusty, thirsty and jagged for no reason.

Theresa, please dab a little marinara sauce on your hairline so that one of your hyperactive gremlins can nibble the foolery out of it. That way it can sort of look like something that came from nature.

* They didn't do that.

via ONTD