Woe Is You

Brendan Fraser filed some WOE IS ME legal papers in Connecticut last month, because his ex-wife  Afton Smith expects him to pay $900,000 a year in alimony and child support for their three kids. But Brendan claims that he's so broke that it's only a matter of time before he has to put on his George of the Jungle costume to sell $20 hand jobs to fanboys in the men's bathroom at Comic-Con. Brendan laid it on thick by saying that he doesn't know if he'll ever make another dime again and he's just not shitting out gold bars like he used to. Brendan's wife was not convinced, so he filed more papers that show that he ends up in the red every single month. According to TMZ, Brendan laid out his monthly finances like this:

 + $205,704.04 - What he makes every month.
+ $25,800.26 - What he gets in interest and stocks and stuff every month.
- $112, 803.25 - What he pays for professional expenses (agents, lawyers, managers, etc).
- $50,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in alimony.
- $25,000 - What he pays his ex-wife in child support.
-  $5,200 - What he pays his gardener.
- $5,000+ - What he pays for the mortgage on his properties.
- $6,000+ - What he pays for property taxes.
- $34,132.52 - What he pays the IRS each month.
- $5,000 - What he pays for other kinds of insurance (health, life, etc...)
- $5,000 - What he spends on family support and gifts.
- $3,000 - What he spends on staffing.
- $7.77 - What he spends on pet care.

TMZ says the list goes on and on, and shows that he's losing $87,000 a month. But it's not like Brendan will be turning tricks near the train tracks with Lindsay Lohan, because he's got around $25 million in assets.

Two things blow my mind: 1) That Brendan Fraser is bringing in that much money a month in the year 2013 and; 2) That Brendan Fraser pays his gardener that much money. Dude needs to get one of those lawn Roombas. Or he needs to do what some of my family members do: just let your front lawn grow wild until the neighbors get sick of it trashing up the block and mow it themselves.

And I'm guessing that the $7.77 is to buy seeds to feed whatever animal is on top of his head.

There's nothing sadder than a baby beaver millionaire crying into his bottle of rum and tit leche, because his 19th birthday party was ruined!

E! News says that Justin Bieber threw himself a circus-themed birthday party at Cirque du Soir in London last night, but the whole thing busted like his loaded-diaper when some people in his entourage got into a fight with club security. The definition of hood rat stuff is Justin Bieber's little friends throwing slaps at grown security dudes as clowns made balloon animals behind them. Next level gangsta shit. After the fight, Biebs threw a hissy fit, grabbed his friends including Jaden Smith and his rumored piece Ella-Paige Roberts Clarke (the trick in the red leather jacket) and left the club. #richwhitegirlproblems

Poor Lesbeaver. This would've never happened if he had his party at his first venue of choice: Chuck E. Cheese. At Chuck E. Cheese, when you get into a fight with security (aka the dude dressed like Chuck E.), you settle your beef in the ball pit where all beefs should be settled.

And here's some pictures that make a strong case for sedating all Beliebers. They tried to eat him and they made him a cake that was probably made with their own panty pudding.

Apparently, The Difficult Brown deleted his Instagram page right after Jesus' lawyer sent him a cease and desist for using his shitty art to compare himself to God and St. Bea Arthur's child (Jesus is Bea Arthur's biological child and you can't tell me otherwise). But MTV News says Chris Brown has another account on Instagram that's private and he used it to cry butt tears of woe over the latest mound of shit that he created and stepped in. Chris Brown once again threw himself on the cross and bitch and moaned about he's sick of people throwing hate at him. It really is hard out for there for an entitled rage monster who thinks that he's above the law (see also: Lindsay Lohan).

Chris Brown is right. Why can't everyone just leave Chris Brown alooooone, because it's obvious that he's a changed man who has totally taken responsibility for being an asshole and shows this every day through his actions. You know when Chris Brown murdered a mirror with a chair at Good Morning America? That was a changed man! You know when Chris Brown got into a parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean instead of walking away to avoid trouble? That was a changed man! You know how Chris Brown made up all those community service hours because he thinks he's above the law? That's a changed man!

Chris Brown isn't Jesus. That's unfair to say, because Chris Brown has it worse than Jesus! Jesus was just nailed to a cross and left to bleed and starve to death. Chris Brown has to deal with bitches on Twitter and the media constantly calling him out for being an unchanged asshole. That's worse! Churches everywhere should swipe out their statues of Jesus on the cross for statues of Chris Brown crying in front of a laptop at all the mean comments, because that's real suffering.

And please, like anything is going to happen to Chris in court today. It's California! But maybe he should change his last name to "Lohan" to make sure.

UPDATE: Chris Brown denies this rant came from him and says it came from a fake Instagram account. I should've known it wasn't him when he said he wasn't Jesus.

JLo and JLo's team agreed to give People an exclusive interview, because People's the only one who asked and because they thought her cover would take a little shine away from Mimi's debut on American Idol.  But Team JLo's sneaky smiles quickly turned to clenched frowns when they saw the cover. They think the picture makes JLo look like a wretched old hag with hay for hair ("In other words, dahling, her true self?" - Mimi).

JLo's team compared her to Betsey Johnson, which I guess is supposed to be a bad thing? The source tells Page Six that they all think the cover makes her look "old and haggard" and that they called up People to complain about the picture. But Benny Medina tells Page Six that Lance Armstrong must be their source, because it's all a lie. Benny said, "Look at the pictures and read the story! We worked closely with the editors of People and we are very pleased with cover photo and the results all around.”

JLo's team might think this is the worst picture of her ever taken, but I think this is the best picture of her ever taken. JLo's facial expressions usually say "SEXY! SEXY! SEXY!" or ultra bitch, so this is a softer side of her. She almost looks sweet.

She looks like a hyperactive dog who is really happy to see you. When I first saw this cover, I dropped my briefcase and patted my knees while saying, "Come here, JLo! Come here! Come give daddy a kiss! Who's the most beautiful girl in the world? You are, JLo! You are! Now come here, girl!"

I even think JLo missed the Wee-Wee Pad a little, but I don't care. How can I be mad at such an adorable girl?

Tammy Lynn Michaels' children with Melissa Etheridge will be lucky to get a stocking full of rocks and a bag full of dirt for Christmas, because a certain lesbian Grinch hasn't paid up. Tammy Lynn is infamous for spitting out some rambling poetry that reads like something Miss Venezuela would write if she got a job writing e-mail spam in English, and she's done it again. Tammy Lynn is still whining about money and this time she's crying about how every time she goes to the mailbox to see if her check has finally arrived, the only thing she sees is an empty hole that is bigger than the hole Melissa left in her heart when a new box of dicks landed on her kitchen counter years ago.

Tammy Lynn Michaels currently gets $23,000 a month in child support and she also gets 50% of the royalties for all the songs Melissa wrote during the 9 years they were together. I guess Melissa doesn't pay Tammy Lynn through automatic direct deposit, because the money takes its time getting to her ass. Radar points out that a couple of days ago, Tammy Lynn posted a melodramatic poem on her blog about how there's no presents under the tree this year, because Melissa hasn't sent a check yet. Girl is always so EXTRA.

fascinating you know--- secrets, they are. People, places, things and accounts, houses, waived rights AND relationships, money ----secrets are sick---a sign of an illness within---disease---playing games with money---phoney baloney---hide and seek---can you find the ball under the clam shell? ---christmas is coming---chase the check---chase the check ---chase the check---can't ---catch it---oh watch the girl go---empty stockings and tiny boxes----don't worry-- ---i'll teach them what's important---nothing close to ---what i have to chase in the stupid mail box---but rather---what is in the heart---which could never--never never ever be found in a mail box anyway............... millionaires in their mansions----tricking with trusts----hiding money from Paul behind Peter-----just to steal from the minor in the end----integrity is a mystery in----the town of gold dust----pyrite---fool's gold ----at times i do feel------as narcissistic as this sounds---that i might be the only ---one---with a moral compass ----this side of the Indiana State Line. ---tell me it's not true----no----show me----show me----someone show me it's not true............

I'm truly impressed that Tammy Lynn was able to type out this work of woeful poetry while trying to shake the cold off of her body (because her heat was turned off) and trying to type in a candlelit dark room (because her electricity was turned off) and trying to drown out the sound of her kids powering her laptop by running on treadmills. Tammy Lynn is so strong!

The Toys For Tots truck should redirect their route and drive away from the orphanage and drive toward Tammy Lynn's house, because her kids are the ones who really have nothing. The Salvation Army Santa Claus should leave his red can full of donations on Tammy Lynn's doorstep, because she's the one who really needs it.

If Melissa really ain't sending those checks, Tammy Lynn needs to stop crying through her fingers, get up and do something about it. Go down to that lesbian Grinch's house and tear the porch light off of the house, because that's worth something I'm sure. Yank the rims off of the car parked on the driveway, because that's definitely worth some cash. Pull out the trees, because she can get something for that too. Get that money however you need to get it.

Or, since Tammy Lynn is so damn thirsty, she can just sing this song on a street corner for spare change:

But then Tammy Lynn will have to pay royalties and ALL of it will go to Melissa since she wrote it before they got together. Damn that lesbian Grinch!