Wladimir Klitschko

The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they're nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can't say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!

The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she's not wearing the ring, but they're currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they've always been one of my favorite couples.

I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she's standing up. That's love! They're the perfect couple. I can't wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, "You may now kiss the troll!"

Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5'2" Hayden Panettiere and 6'6" Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.

The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I'm assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)

Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden's my favorite thing about Nashville.

I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked "buy" after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song 'Love Like Mine,' are you sure?"