Victoria's Secret

No, Justin is not thinking to himself, "Why isn't my flower as sparkly as hers?"

Selena Gomez let Justin Bieber stay up waaaay past his bedtime last night so that he could yodel out a few songs at the Victoria's Secret fashion show in NYC. While dressed up like some kind toddler mental patient in the Tron universe, the Biebs got a front row lesson on the female anatomy as each modeled sashayed by him. Selena Gomez totally regretted signing that parental consent form. When the Biebs came home, he didn't stop asking her about all those funny-looking girl parts and yes, Selena bought that children's book about private parts, but she didn't think she'd have to pull it out for a few more years. Not only that, but it looks like the Biebs got so excited that he made a mess in his diaper pants. So Selena had to have the "vagina talk" and change the Biebs' diaper pants. Nobody said it easy raising a Bieby on your own.

"As a multi-racial panty company our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new Poke-a-hotass bra and panties set was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. We consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, and they told us Disney got it all wrong. Chief Powhatan was really a skinny dirty blonde girl from Chicago who wore leopard panties and bought all of her jewelry at tourist shops in Santa Fe. We sincerely apologize on behalf of the dumb dumbs at Disney and all of the high school history teachers who obviously got the history of the Native American people wrong. They should really update their books or something.

Love, kisses and woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woos - VS"

That is the exact statement Victoria's Secret is going to release after everybody freaks out about the mess of an outfit they put Karlie Kloss in. Moving on...

Memory lane walked in front of Leonardo DiCatchAHo last night when Victoria's Secret held their annual tits, ass and panties show in NYC. Although, every model there probably told reporters, "OHMYGAWD, I ate a dog, four hamburgers, six cakes, an entire Arby's and then I sucked off a Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven", I'm sure most of them have only eaten cigarette smoke and soda can sweat for the last two weeks. Victoria's Secret wants them to be skinnier than a ladybug's antennae, but they also want them to have the strength of a linebacker. Look at all that shit they have to carry on their backs. Victoria's Secret takes their models to Michael's and then goes down the aisle, throwing all sorts of craft crap on their backs. "You see that whole bin of plastic orchids over there? Tie it to that blonde one's back. There's a deconstructed parade float in the alley, throw it on Adriana. And that broken down Las Vegas hotel sign over there? Strap it to that other blonde."

After the show, the president of VS had two of the angels come over to his apartment and carry his grand piano on their backs down four flights of stairs. There really needs to be a Victoria's Secret Angels moving company.