Trash

Disclaimer: Several handfuls of calorie-packed sarcasm flakes were sprinkled all over that headline before I hit the publish button.

Seen here carrying the dried shell of his nutsack that Bethenny Frankel used to let him hold to remember happier days, Jason Hoppy is scratching back at Castle Grayskull's daytime line cook and has declared war. When the reality shit show star and alcohol-ruiner filed for divorce from Jason Hoppy  earlier this month, she sharpened her extra pointy clavicle bone and shanked him with it by asking for child support, primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Bryn and their $5 million Tribeca apartment (which looks like this). Bethenny also wants Jason to pay for her and Bryn's medical and dental expenses. Normally, when the terrifying plastic skeleton of the Joker jumps you in a dark alley and demands your money and throws its medical bills at you, you give them your money and you pay their medical bills on time, but Jason is fighting back.

TMZ says that Jason has responded to Bethenny's divorce petition and he wants everything she wants. Basically, Jason's new lawyer Jill Zarin (yes, Jill Zarin got her law degree online just so she can get back at her arch rival Bethenney) copied Bethenny's divorce papers, but wrote Jason's name over Bethenny's name and wrote Bethenny's name over Jason's name.

Bethenny wants primary custody of their kid and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants their $5 million apartment and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants child support and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants her ex to pay for her medical and dental bills and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants to be co-beneficiary, along with her daughter, of her ex's life insurance policy and so does Jason.

Jason also wants Bethenny to pay for his lawyer and accountant.

According to the completely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com, Bethenny is worth $25 million and Jason is worth $5 million. Bethenny and Jason made a lot of their money while together and they also made that kid together, so you'd think they'd just split everything down the middle, but they're reality shit show stars so they have to do everything extra.

I would side with Bethenny, because again, you don't mess with the plastic skeleton of the Joker, but I just can't. I can't side with a trick who ruins alcohol. Her SkinnyGirl margarita tastes like the piss of a rotten lime if the rotten lime ate asparagus right before pissing. It barely has any alcohol too. Powerade gives me a stronger buzz than that ShittyGirl crap does. That being said, should Bethenny not get primary custody of her daughter just because she can't make a margarita right? Does being a margarita-ruiner make her a bad mother. Of course no... Yes, yes, it does.

And I'm also slowly sliding over to Jason's side, because every time I read Jason's last name, I think of my favorite scene in Joy Luck Club when Auntie Lindo looks at her daughter through the salon mirror and says, "You make me hoppy." And that makes me hoppy.

The official ambassadors for fame whores were on Letterman last night to pimp out their show Kim & Kourtney Taint Miami, and of course David Letterman brought up her blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to the factory-defected animatronic Big Foot Harry that is Kris Humphries.

It's been over a year since Kim Kardashian read the words "stage direction - walk to courthouse, file for divorce" in her script and so Letterman asked her why the divorce is taking so long. While looking like a bloated Predator in a 2-star maitre d tuxedo, Kim told Letterman that her divorce is taking so long, because Kris is suing her for tricking him into marrying her ass for publicity. The slow one then piped in with a joke. Here's how the conversation went:

Dave: Now you, you're still married to your former husband, Kris Humpries? You're still married to him.

Kim: Yes, I am.

Dave: Now, when are you going to wrap that up?

Kim: Well, I'm trying, and it's a process and I've been trying for almost two years now, to um, to wrap it up, but it's, you know, it's hard.

Dave: I guess it's none of my business, but what does he want? Does he want his own show?

Kim: I can't speak for Kris, but I just want him to be happy and I want us to move on and that's really what I want, is just to move on.

Dave: Now again you don't have to do this, but when the divorce comes through, and he wants an annulment, is that right? Why an annulment, what's the difference?

Kim: I don't really know cause even if we got an annulment... I would love to give him one but then that would make...the only legal way to get an annulment is if fraud were involved, so that's what tricky. So he is suing me for an annulment based on the fact that I frauded him into marrying him for publicity.

Dave: So he's claiming that he was the victim of fraud?Kim: Yes, well, that's the only way to get an annulment is if one person was frauded, so that was, um, the case.

Dave: But fraud was not a factor here, is that right?

Kim: Not in my case, no.

Kourtney: I think if she was going to do it for publicity, she's pick someone that people knew.

Never mind that Pimp Mama Kris is totally going to pimp slap Kourtney Kardashian for making fun of her casting decisions, doesn't Kourtney realize that she's only famous because Ray J slapped Kim's ass with his neck pillow dick in front of a camera and because Ryan Seacrest fulfilled a favor he owed to Lucifer by putting them on basic cable?

Kim then told Letterman that people need to saying that they've let out farts that have lasted longer than her marriage, because she's still married!

Those jokes really can't work, because I've really been married for almost two years. . . . So it hasn’t been 72 days, it's been almost two years.

I just....can't. What do you even say to that? I'd blame it on pregnancy brain, but Kim didn't have a brain to begin with.

This is your up-to-the-second update (that you didn't want or ask for) of Kim Kardashian's ever-growing knocked up body. Although, some konspiracy theorists think Kim is Beyonce-ing it and will cover her body with the best baby pillows that Kanye West's money can buy while a surrogate (SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Jenner, the surrogate is Bruce Jenner) carries the Illuminati's golden child. Whatever the case may be, the smog above France has been infested with the stank scent of fishy dick queefs and bronzer and it's all because Kim and Kanye are in Paris right now for some reason.

Don't ask me why they're there, but Kanye is of course using their daily walks down the ho stroll to display some fugged up shit on Kim's body. I don't even know how to explain that thing. Is it a cape barfing up a jacket? Is it a re-worked Snuggie? Is it a Land's End fleece jacket? Is it a fupa-hiding poncho? The only thing I do know is that it's a wreck and Kanye would've looked better in it. Kanye would've worked that cape thing and put the gay in gay Paree by giving everyone a twirlie show.

Farrah Abraham of MTV's Teen Mom is tattooing the words "Mother of the Year" on her crotch, because she believe she's the greatest mother ever for tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's unibrow hairs as the kid slept. In a blog post on Sulia, Teen Mom Farrah, who spent $16,000 on a new face, writes about her adventures in baby brow waxing. Farrah pulled out the waxing strips, because she says she felt sorry for her daughter Sophia and wanted to beautify Sophia's brow situation. Here's the blog post that only a Toddlers & Tiaras mom could love (yes, I laughed at "standout historical moment in motherhood"):

SOOOOOooooo, this is a touchy subject the Unibrow thing.

But recently I could not ignore it, like I know I've seen madonna's duaghter have a stand out uni brow, I remember when I was little I had a unibrow, but I couldn't remember if there was an age limit, a rule!

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends.... is this hair just going to fall out... is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn't go away and others started saying it was here to stay.

So I told sophia (my daughter who is a late 3 years old) of the little issue on her brow, and I showed her how I waxed mine off, so I tryed to wax her, the second a dab hit the Uni, she touch it with the towel she had in her hand,

UHHH so now, wax was in the towel, and I yanked it back ASAP, but fuzz was not stuck to the wax stuck to her Uni, OMG moment, So now sophia was freaking out, so I had to act like it was a cool science project to get the wax off.

PLOT TO END THIS: Sophia feel a sleep, I got my tweezers and Pluck-pluck-pluck......soph was now saying ouch or anything and still was asleep, I got most of it off and then finally she woke up..I went to sleep .

The next morning I showed her and told her how well she did and she didn't even know, She was more intrigued now to be ok with upkeeping her non-unibrow. I could tell she was proud.

Ah I feel like a good mom:) other moms tell me your ideas!

One of my cousins had a glorious unibrow for most of her childhood and her parents refused to let her pluck it away even after she told them that kids made fun of her for it. She tried to hide it by growing her bangs long, but that didn't work. (Side note: She should've united her bangs with her bushy unibrow by braiding them together. That would've been the look.) She was desperate to get rid of the hairy bridge that connected her right brow to her left brow. So one night, she blew out a candle and poured the hot wax on her face. The dumbass didn't lose any brow hairs, but she did gain a burn on her forehead. After that, her mom regularly plucked away her unibrow for her.

So I can sort of understand where that dumb dumb Farrah is coming from, but isn't 3 way too young for that kind of shit? And who the hell tweezes their daughter's eyebrows in her sleep? If Farrah just had to get rid of her 3-year-old's unibrow, she should've done it a better way. I mean, Farrah should've burned her daughter's brow hairs off by playing her abomination of a song for them. Farrah's music makes my ear tunnels burn, so I'm sure it has the same effect on brow hairs.

via UsWeekly 

Almost every person I know who is into NYC-born rapper/singer Azealia Banks is gay (Side note: I just need to let it be known that the only Banks whose team I'm on is Hilary Banks.), but some of the gay community turned on her and yanked on her Daryl-Hannah-in-Splash weave when she threw around the other f bomb on Twitter last night.

The messiness all started when Azealia, who is known for popping off at her rivals on Twitter, threw a subtle diss at rapper Angel Haze when she tweeted: "Seriously, if you were not born and raised in NY ... DON'T CLAIM NY. YOU ARE NOT A NEW YORKER." Because both of them needed the press, Angel Haze shot back and the two went at it like two 8th graders pulling each other's hair in front of the cafeteria. Azealia and Angel Haze (which sounds like the worst smelling Victoria's Secret fragrance ever) then took their fight to Garage Band by hitting each other with their own diss tracks. Then right after Azealia threw more hate at Angel Haze for having the Flatiron District on her chest, Perez Hilton poked his head into the fight when he tweeted this: "You got something against girls with small breasts???"

And then Azelaia turned her back to Angel, put another layer of Crisco on her face, dipped her glued-up hands in broken glass and went after Perez. The two scratched at each other's faces and shit got really serious when she called him a "messy faggot." Perez was shocked and appalled by this since we all know that the other f bomb has never fallen off his tongue before. Here's the gist of their flame war:

So if I look up "messy faggot" in Azealia's Dictionary, there will be a picture of Perez Hilton next to the definition: "a male who acts like a cunt." THE HELL? As a gay dude who IS a cunt, I am extremely offended by this and need a personal apology from that troll Azealia right away. Azealia did issue a non-apology last night and then when she woke up this morning, she didn't back down:

Oh, Twitter, turning "celebrities" into dumb bitches since 2006.

via Towleroad, Gawker, Buzzfeed and Complex

Tracy Anderson is the trainer-of-choice to a lot of celebrity twats and she goes against everything I believe in like not working out, eating food and hating on Gwyneth Paltrow. If you don't know who Tracy Anderson is, get to know the bat-faced muscle troll by reading these words of wisdom that have fallen out of her mouth over the years:

“A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go, and that’s the worst thing."

“I’ve seen so many women who come to me right after (having children) with disaster bodies that have gone through hell, or they come to me years later and say, ‘Oh, my body is like this because I had three kids.’”

"When you feel your best, you're more confident in bed. It's not lights-out, under-the-covers sex. It's more like, 'Take a look at this!'"

But I will slightly slow clap for Tracy Anderson for saying this after pulling GOOP's pants down during a "body evaluation": "Oh, my God, wow, I am just so surprised, because you look so good in clothes. I wasn't expecting this."If bile almost poured out of Tracy's eye holes from looking at GOOP's skinny ass, I can only imagine what her reaction was when she stared directly at Kim Kardashian's ass of doom. It was probably a lot like that scene in Indiana Jones when Indy runs from that giant boulder. Kim wrote on her blog yesterday that fellow fame whore Tracy Anderson is her trainer now, which means that for the next few months she'll only eat dried lemon pith and workout 23 hours a day.

Tracy Anderson is keeping me in shape! She is helping me make the adjustments necessary to keep me feeling happy, healthy and most importantly create a workout plan that is safe for the baby. It’s really important for me to have a fitness routine that works for my body and my schedule and I’m really happy with the workout plan Tracy is working with me on.

The only good that can come from this is that when Tracy Anderson is standing behind Kim Kartashian and is screaming at her to do ten thousand squats in a row, Kim will get tired and fall back, crushing Tracy. The next set of pictures we'll see is a panty-less Kim strutting out of Tracy's studio as a shaky, bony hand reaches out of her ass for help.

Lil' Wayne has the paper bag book cover of faces, because it's covered in stupid doodles and if you look closely, you'll see where I wrote, "Will you go around with me? Circle yes for yes and no for no," before passing his face to one of my first beards Ruby in 7th grade math class. (Yes, I actually wrote that. It was my Tom Cruise phase.) Lil' Wayne's face was already a gallery of jacked up tattoos, but he turned it all the way up by getting the word "BAKED" inked onto his forehead. Fuse says that Wayne didn't get the word "BAKED" tattooed on his head, because that's the state his brain is always in, he got it to pay tribute to the skateboard company Baker. Whoring his forehead out for a skateboard company is one way Lil' Wayne wants to go through life.

If Wayne's love for Baker ever stops, he can always says that his tattoo is a tribute to Scrabble or Lay's or the Waffle House font. But seriously, Lil' Wayne is a dumb ass bitch of a goblin for giving that much forehead real estate to a skateboard company. If he knew what was good for him, he would've tattooed the following on his forehead: "WARNING - If you plan on letting me stick it in, make me wear ten condoms, overdose on the morning after pill and stick a Tyvek diaphragm up your coochie beforehand. If you don't, you will give birth to a litter of goblins in 9 months and there's only so much child support to go around. You've been warned!" Lil' Wayne's got a lot of forehead, so that entire PSA would've fit.

While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin's body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a "Are you there God? It's me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!" look of desperation at 1OAK's New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she's going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there's nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.

While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher's old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris' most prized pig by hosting 1OAK's New Year's Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK's party that so far she hasn't had a case of the barfs at all:

"I have felt good. I haven't had any morning sickness, but it still isn't the easiest. People always say it's easy and fun. It's definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I've been feeling really good so that's good."

Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I'm pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.

And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn't planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is...well...like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.

It's a shitty way to start the day when I have to wake up and say sowwwwyyy to Britney Spears and all of you that I misled yesterday before I've even had my first cup of Bailey's sprinkled with coffee. The Smoking Gun said the story of Britney hopping on BIL peen and wallet jacking is FULL OF LIES. Sad face. I was so hoping to get a head shaving and a bloody crotch shot or at least an impromptu skinny dip off Pacific Coast Highway on her latest run. In my defense, it was on Radar so I just knew it had to be some actual factual stuff. Okay, that defense sucked so I don't think I'll be signing up for law school anytime soon.

So apparently some sick fuck named Jonathan Lee Riches, who was has been on federal probation since April for conspiracy and wire fraud, not only filed the fake complaint against BritBrit but is also at the bottom of the "Justin Beiber stoled my credit card to get a penis" and various other phony lawsuits against celebrities. I might still laugh and tip my hat to his Punk'd game, but this piece of trash drove to CT and pretended to be the uncle of the Sandy Hook shooter at one of the funerals to get his face splashed all over the news and there is nothing funny about that shit. At least he's back in cuffs and you know some of his old inmates that he conned are sharpening their shanks at the news.

Although he is a lying liarface who tells lies, I'm pretty sure that the part in his Britney filing about his small penis is 100% FACT.

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn't getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches... My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown's foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown's  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, "He looks like he got dat thunda lightning."

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn't a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.