Trash

You can almost hear the words, "I will kick you the vagina," jumping out of his shout hole.

I can't find video of it, but the best moment from Lindsay Lohan's Fun Time Court Hour happened after she pleaded no contest and a judge sentenced her to 90 days in a spa. Lindsay Lohan's tiny and tanned lawyer, Mark Heller, held a press conference afterward where he spewed all kinds of ridiculousness like she doesn't have a substance abuse problem and she's going to come out of this with dignity and grace. It's like his tiny tongue was possessed by White Oprah. Mark Heller kept yammering on and then he nearly jumped out of his Underoos when Michael Lohan started screaming at him from off camera. When Michael Lohan got closer to the podium, Mark Heller ran the hell out of there. It was like watching my chihuahua jump and run for cover when a car backfires.

After Mark Heller ran back to his office in the Keebler Forest, Michael Lohan got on the mic and farted  at the mouth about how Mark Heller is just using Lindsay Lohan for attention and is going to lose his license to practice law. Michael, who's about as reliable as a crumbly piece of dried dog shit, claims that Mark Heller never kept LiLo updated during plea deal negotiations and committed an illegal act by tampering with a witness. TMZ says that the Santa Monica Attorney is investigating Mark Heller for allegedly trying to get LiLo's assistant Gavin to lie on the stand. Mark allegedly wanted Gavin to say he was the one driving the Porsche that crashed into a semi.

Michael Lohan ended the press conference he hijacked by saying that rehab is the best place for LiLo and then he pulled out a Styrofoam cup and asked the reporters to drop a few coins in there, because he can't afford to pay for parking. I love how Michael Lohan is telling Mark Heller to stop using his daughter for publicity when he's up there using his daughter for publicity. Michael Lohan is the only one who can shout his daughter's name while humping on the spotlight.

Here's some pictures of the sunburnt turtle getting ragey outside of the court house and also some pictures of LiLo redefining the phrase "rode hard and put away wet."

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard's daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn't do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter's bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn't that what all parents would do? Here's Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:

CADRE!
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
it's on!
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with "extreme prejudice"
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
"show and tell" of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
VICTORIA.
eat that loser.
c
hashtag HYLMN?

TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn't go to school anymore. During Denise's last meeting with the school and the bully's parents,  they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.

It's sad that I think it's progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.

The Difficult Brown was his usual charming and gracious self on Thursday morning when he grabbed the mic at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood and shat out some smegma-covered words of advice to men on how to treat women. TMZ has the video of the tattooed, shriveled up Gollum on meth instantly making Mel Gibson one of his most devoted disciples by opening up the crusted-over anus hole on his face to spit out this Shakespearean sonnet (via HuffPo):

"Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female ... If you're not an insecure nigga, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [sings] Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. Don't make me have to tell you again, that that's my pussy baby. It's mine girl, it's mine girl, it's mine... So you better not give it away.

So every person in this motherfuckin' building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might fuck another nigga."

And just like that, Mel Gibson found his new ringtone. What a beautiful song. If they ever make What's Love Got To Do With It The Musical, I'm sure Ike will sing out this love song in the act one finale.

What more is there to say about this haggard crackhead turtle? Everything has already been said. I would say that RiRi should evict Fist Brown from her pussy and change the locks, but she's probably creaming over this. And she's the one who pays the mortgage and maintenance bills on her pussy! I can't, but I never can when it comes The Difficult Brown.

And here's Chris Brown's property letting out her signature goat yodel at the first show on her Diamonds World Tour in Buffalo, New York last night.

Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn't the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia's face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here's what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:

"I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks."

With that, Shia should've taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he's keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play's director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here's one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:

"Don't be too surprised if Alec doesn't look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he's not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don't want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, 'Oh, I guess he's just going to read it.'"

And here's an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:

Alec - That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I'm so fucking tired.

Shia - I'm a hustler. I don't get tired. I'm 26, chief.

Alec - Listen, boy. I'm not your fuckin' chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let's go.

Shia - Yes, sir.

Daniel - I think he's nervous.

Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it "I'm Not Your Fuckin' Chief." And "I'm a hustler, I don't get tired" sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.

Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but "Beef Squasher" is John Travolta's Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!

And here's LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.

Whenever I see Kim Kartrashian in a new ensemble, I just want to let out a HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA for days. Then I want to slow cap for her stylist, because they are a gift on this planet for making her look like the ridiculous piece of stupid trash she is. I love it!

Because this is the kind of outfit you should wear on a flight from L.A. to Paris, Kim wore this mess of an outfit on a flight from L.A. to Paris yesterday. Bitch looks like the ring master preacher at a circus-themed church. Bitch looks like a warped maxi-pad with wings. Bitch looks like a dental hygienist on the Starship Enterprise. Bitch looks like a deformed sperm fish. Bitch looks like water damaged origami. I can seriously play the "bitch looks like" game all day, because bitch looks a mess.

I hope Kim stays knocked up forever, because this is fun!

And thanks to everybody who keeps sending me this. I didn't post it, because that's whale shaming and I don't want to be a part of that. Poor Shamu deserves better.

Kim Kartrashian made a "dying trout gasping for water" face while faking an orgasm in her sex tape with Ray J and it made her a STAR!, so she's trying to stretch her relevancy by making the same face on the cover of a French magazine. L'Officiel Hommes got Kim and Kanye Kardashian to rub their naked bodies together for a cover that will make many people say to themselves, "Well, I guess this is going to be one of those non-stop barfing days."

You'd think that Kim would be a master at making manufactured sex faces since she got famous for getting on Ray J's boomerang dick in front of a camera, but she isn't. The hell is that face she's making on that cover? She looks like she's trying to sneeze. The sneeze is right there, but she can't push it out, so she's closing her eyes and focusing. Achoo, bitch, achoo! It also looks like Kim choked on a churro and Kanye is trying to give her the Heimlich Maneuver, but he's not really sure how to do it. What I'm saying is that this looks like anything but sex.

Besides, Kanye and Kim don't fuck. I refuse to believe that. Kanye's idea of a good time is dressing Kim up in messed up fashions and taking Polaroids of her so that he can jack off to those Polaroids in the corner while praising himself as a true style genius.

And add this cover to the long list of things that confirm that any bit of sanity Kanye had left in his being is gone. Kanye threw hate at Jay-Z, busted into a screeching hissy fit in London and now this mess? Kanye was also insane, but pour a little Kartrashian on his last bit of sanity and BOOM!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

RiRi's health insurance rate dropped by 75% last week when it was reported that she and The Difficult Brown broke up, but like most awful things in life (examples: herpes, the new 90210, Donald Trump's ability to speak), their love is not going away even though all of us want it to. RiRi spent some of her 25th birthday yesterday holding the hand that beat her face in a few years ago. While wearing my laundry bag as a skirt, RiRi trolled the beaches of Oahu with Chris Brown and shared a joint  with him. That poor joint. Just like Chris' silky shorts, it probably wants to escape and get far away from this entire mess.

I'm not sure what's going on in this picture. Is he trying to jack off on the sand, but can't get it up, so RiRi's consoling him? Is he trying to push out a stubborn doody bubble and RiRi's giving him moral support by throwing her arm around him? Did he finally come to the realization that he's Chris Brown and is choking on the river of diarrhea that's rising up his throat?

And RiRi and Chris Brown better set their DVRs, because next week's Law & Order: SVU is dedicated to them!

The actor playing the Chris Brown-ish character needs to turn down the raw emotion, because Chris Brown was not THAT believable when he gave a fake non-apology.

Even the Salvation Army shouldn't let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress unless they don't want it back or are okay with it coming back to them drenched in bottom shelf vodka and covered with the blood splatters of some chick she hit in the face with a bottle. The only real reason to let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress is if you've taken a $1 million life insurance policy (they really should sell life insurance policies for dresses) out on it and you want it to disappear off the face of the planet so you can cash in. But Lindsay Lohan's own personal Captain-Save-A-Ho Charlie Sheen helped a trick out again by sweet talking stylist Phillip Bloch into getting her a dress for an amFAR event two weeks ago. LiLo wore a beaded dress from Theia that cost $1,750. When Theia got the dress back, it was in the same state as Lindsay Lohan's career:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That dress is just a tattered pile of tragicness. It's like a dress version of White Oprah.

You're close if you're thinking that LiLo's dress looks like that because after she spilled some whiskey on it, a pack of drunk wolves attacked her and dragged her into an alley where a high-speed dump truck ran into her, sending her flying into a trash can fireplace. A source tells UsWeekly that LiLo's dress looks like that because it ripped at a club after the amFAR event.

"She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] -- she couldn't possibly wear it like that -- so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She's out of control and behaving really badly."

Hey, at least they got the dress back and if they shake all the coke residue off of it, they probably have enough for a pretty fat line. Also, they can sell it on eBay as a Lohan original! And yes, White Oprah is going to want a cut of that sale.

Most of what comes out of Ke$ha's mouth can be found inside of the busiest Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos, so it's not surprising to hear what goes in her mouth.

Because Ke$hit and Beyonce are are practically the same person and artist, she also had a visual director (aka her younger brother) follow her around with a camera for the past two years. Ke$hit used that footage to make a documentary that should premiere on Consumption Junction or on public access at 3am on a Tuesday, but it's showing on MTV this April instead. In Ke$hit's documentary called My Crazy Beautiful Life, she golden showers herself and admits that people always tell her that she smells like the crusty spot on a homeless man's panties. Ke$hit explained it all to BBC Radio 1 (via TNZH via ONTD):

On how she pulled a Bear Grylls: "I was told drinking my own pee was good, I was trying to be healthy ... Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, 'That is mine!' So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross so I don't do it anymore."

On how she smells like dumpster syrup: "My fans are amazing to me but usually the people around me say, 'You're disgusting!' or, 'Put your pants on!' or 'You're late!' Or they say, 'You smell weird, what's that smell?' I smell like a hobo. One time, someone told me I smelt like a shrimp on a diaper. I thought I could make a fragrance that was little like a shrimp on a Faberge diaper but I don't know if people want to smell like that."

On her obsession with glitter: "I have a bathtub; when I go on tour I bring a bathtub and I have a glitter roadie. His only job is to deal with the glitter and his job is to lather baby oil all over my body. Then I roll around in it and have to sit there until the baby oil dries. When I go to the bathroom you can follow the trail of glitter and tell which stall I peed in. I leave it all over the men I make out with."

Ke$hit reminds me of this gross kid in the 2nd grade who would eat his mocos and cough loogies into his hand for attention. (No, the gross kid wasn't me, but that's a valid question). Yes, Ke$hit calling anything gross is some pot kettle shit, but this isn't shocking at all. It would shock me more if Ke$hit said that she filled her mouth with Listerine. Of course she's swallowed a shot of her own piss.

Ke$hit needs to come grosser, because Bear Grylls, Carrie from Strange Addiction, millions of hippies and Bam Margera did it first. Speaking of Bam, if you put a gutter water-drenched wig on top of his head, wouldn't he look like Ke$hit a little? Has anyone seen them in the same room together? Has anyone ever seen them drink from the same urinal? Hmmm....