Tommy Girl

It's been exactly one week since Katie Holmes celebrated Independence Day early by overriding her internal hard drive thus taking back control of her brain from Tommy Girl, and so far she spent the day buying leche at the Whole Foods by her apartment in Chelsea. This is, of course, SIREN-BUSTING BREAKING NEWS, because a little over a week ago, Katie couldn't reach for milk without a Scientology handler zapping her in the hand with an electrocution saber before telling her that she should really buy a bag of barley and distilled water instead. Freedom definitely tastes like the opposite of barley water.

So, there's a million upon a million #tomkatastrophe stories out there and every time I read one, another one pops up. Can't somebody start a 24-hour cable channel where peen puppets act out all of these stories. That's a missed opportunity. Anyway, let's get this mess:

From TMZ - Being the bossy bottom that he is, Tommy Girl controlled every single part of Katie's life including her career. That's your cue to chap your vocal cords while letting out the longest DUUUUUUUH in history. Tommy wouldn't let the studio who distributed Thank You For Not Smoking use any pictures of Katie kissing Aaron Eckhart in their promo materials. Also, during the media tour for Batman Begins, Tommy chained Katie inside of his private jet and wouldn't allow her to fly with the rest of the cast. This "disgusted" Morgan Freeman. TMZ asked Morgan for a comment, but he was too busy not giving a fuck about all of this.

From TMZ - Some source says that despite what every whore is shouting, Katie not extending her contract with Tommy has nothing to do with Scientology. Katie's team is only using the Scientology shit to get at Tommy. Katie was practically one of L. Ron Hubbard's main homegirls and would go to meetings and audits by herself. Bitch probably only went because she'd rather burn her "Thetans" off in the sauna than look at Tommy's face at home. Also, I'd hardly call "Tommy controlling Katie's ability to walk via remote control" as Katie doing that shit on her own.

From Radar: Scientologists brainwashed Isabella and Connor into thinking that their mom Nicole Kidman is a sociopath. They were forced to sit in daily sessions where they were told over and over again that Nicole is nuts. Or the Scientologists just saved their words and tried to prove to Isabella and Connor that Nicole is crazy by showing them Bewitched on a loop. It worked, obviously.

From The Village Voice: SCIENTOLOGY CRUMBLING. The headline paired with a picture of Tommy and David Miscavige butching it up on bikes says it all.

From Radar: The President of Scientology's 27-year-old son mysteriously died from a fever 4 days ago and his mom, who quit the Church of Xenu in 2010, hasn't been allowed to see his body.

From The Village Voice: David Miscavige's wife Shelly hasn't been seen or heard from since 2007. Shelly went missing right after she started looking for a job without getting her master's permission first. Tony Ortega, VV's Scientology expert, thinks that maybe Scientology is holding Shelly in one of their compounds, but I'd like to think she pulled some Sleeping with the Enemy shit and is living under a new name in Cedar Falls.

From Radar: Scientologists are flooding major media websites and trying to get the anti-Xenu comments from commenters removed by reporting that shit to Google.

So basically, all of this has Scientologists losing their minds (more than usual) and the only Scientologist that is secretly happy about this is John Travolta. For the first time in weeks, bitches are sniffing up Tommy's Scientolohole and leaving John's itchy Scientolohole alone for now.

BOOOOOOO! Yet another Dlisted field trip has been canceled. On July 17th, we won't be eating popcorn in the back of a NYC court room while watching Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl bikini wrestle for custody of Suri in a kiddie pool full of barley water. Hollywood Life played with our emotions yesterday when they said  that Katie filed a request for an emergency hearing to try to get temporary full custody of Suri. But Katie's lawyer Jonathan Wolfe killed my buzz last night by telling People that there will be no public custody dance-off between Katie and Tommy, because he didn't file shit:

"Other than her action for divorce, the only pending application filed by Ms. Holmes remains her request for an anonymous caption."

Tommy's lawyer Bert Fields released his own statement of words yesterday and threw some shade while doing so. Let the games begin!

"Tactically we can't say where Tom will file a divorce case and if he'll be seeking joint custody of Suri. We are letting 'the other side' (Katie and her team), play the media until they wear everyone out and then we'll have something to say. It's not Tom's style to do this publicly. He is really sad about what's happening."

Somewhere, John Travolta just let out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" at that statement. Bert is right, though. Tommy is the epitome of private and he'd never ever play the media. That time Tommy stomped on Oprah's ugly yellow couch? It wasn't at all choreographed and he didn't do it to manipulate the world into thinking that he naturally gets excited about vagina. All those times Tommy paraded Suri in front of the paps? It was just a natural moment between a father and daughter, and Tommy didn't hit ctrl+alt+smile on the keyboard on Suri's back to make her look extra happy. PLEASE. The only shit Tommy keeps private is the truth.

In other #tomkatastrophe news, Katie talked to Elle for their August issue and some think she hinted about not extending her contract with TG:

"He has been Tom Cruise for 30 years. I know who I am and where I am and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that. I definitely feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel sexier. I'm starting to come into my own. It's like a new phase."

That quote sounds like it's reaching until you read it literally. I mean, Katie obviously found a way to rip off the Thetan-proof skin shell that Scientologists wrapped her with on her wedding night.

Ever since Katie Holmes took shit from serious to SERIOUS by filing for sole custody of Suri Cruise in NYC, the media has been saying that it's only a matter of days before Tommy Girl files his own divorce papers in California. In California, Tommy has a better chance of getting joint custody of L. Ron Hubbard's golden child and if he doesn't, he can easily grab her, take her to the flying pirate ship in  Scientology's California desert compound and fly her off to space where she can be raised by moon craters or whatever. Hollywood Life (aka grainofsalt.org) says that Katie's lawyers know what Tommy is trying to do and they're one step ahead of his ass. They filed for an emergency hearing in NYC yesterday, forcing Tommy to get himself a New York lawyer and show his face in court on July 17th. Katie wants a judge to grant her temporary full custody of Suri and give her some child support. HL says this is Katie's way of letting Tommy know that she'll happily break Scientology's fourth wall if he tries to fuck with her. A source put it like this:

Katie filed an ‘emergent application’ in New York City on July 3. It’s a motion seeking temporary emergency relief, which can include child support and custody. It also means that Tom is going to have to hire a New York lawyer — he can’t use his Calif. lawyer anymore. The motion also means that both Tom and Katie have to be present in court on July 17. A judge is now assigned to their case, which means it’s no longer going to be an out-of-court settlement. They are scheduled to appear before Judge Matthew Cooper on July 17 at 9:30 AM. 

Katie doesn’t anticipate Tom cooperating, and there have been rumors that he’s going to file in Calif. and argue that litigation should be there rather than New York. Bottom line: if you file an emergency motion, you don’t believe there’s going to be cooperation from the other party or you need an order that only the court can give. It might have something to do with trying to control the media.They filed under anonymous verses anonymous to avoid the media. Most celebs do that. It’s unlikely for a celebrity to file an emergency hearing, because most celebrities settle out of court because they don’t want the media involved in their case. Katie and Tom are now going to have an open court room, which means that anyone can walk in and see what’s happening. Plus, they are putting their case in the hands of a judge who is going to determine what happens next. Most public figures don’t want that — it’s a last resort. It’s super-aggressive for Katie to have taken these steps. It suggests that there’s going to be a contentious divorce battle to come.”

If this is true, then I guess in two weeks we'll all be sitting in the back of a NYC courtroom eating popcorn and drinking white wine spritzers out of white grape juice bottles while watching the real-life Scientologized remake of Not Without My Daughter. That shit is going to be a show. It's times like this when I wish Judge Judy was still a practicing family court judge and that one of her aliases is Judge Matthew Cooper. Judge Judy would rip Tommy a new asshole and not in the way he'd like. "Don't shit on my face and tell me it's cum, Tommy!" 

Here's Katie and Suri celebrating Tommy's 50th birthday last night by eating freshly churned freedom.

Somebody Photoshop a blunt in Katie Holmes' hand, because she looks like she just baked her last Thetan off. Or maybe she's just relieved that she can let out a fart without a Scientology handler running off to tell her master what it smelled like. Freedom really is farting whenever you want to.

Anyway, Katie Holmes was out in NYC today after guest judging an episode of Project Runway: All-Stars 2, and her marriage finger was free of the shackle that was her wedding ring. You know that shit wasn't a wedding ring. It was a straight-up GPS tracking system. So I hope she pawned that shit and used the money to buy some new shoes. Seriously, she needs a new pair of shoes, because those ones she had on today were as ugly as three kinds of hell. They look like Chester the Cheetah's used cum rags. And that dress. I'm sure she made it out of her old Scientology prison jumpsuit. Bitch, you've freed yourself of Tommy Girl, now free yourself of bad taste.

Right after Katie Holmes went down to the Geek Squad and had them remove all the brainwashing-viruses Scientology installed in the hard drive in her head, she pushed the enema deeper and continued to cleanse her life of all things Tommy Girl-related. TMZ says that after Katie filed for divorce and moved into her own apartment, she dropped the bodyguard and driver that Tommy assigned to her when she became his contract concubine 6 years ago. Katie also quit the publicist Tommy introduced to her and re-hired the PR firm she had before her bearding days. Bitch is seriously flushing the shit from her life like colon-obsessor GOOPY Paltrow on any day of the week.

TMZ says that Katie shot an episode of Project Runway All-Stars (yes, ANOTHER Project Runway All-stars) in NYC today and she showed up with a whole new team of bodyguards and a different driver. Some source says that Katie let go of her old bodyguards, because their in Tommy's corner, obviously.

Instead of firing her old bodyguards, Katie should've just poured holy water over their Scientology-made robot heads and softly cackled as their power grids malfunctioned before they shut down completely. That way all the data they collected on her in their hard drives would be lost FOREVER!

Some people have been saying that Katie gladly signed a bearding contract years ago and knew what kind of crazy she was getting into, so what happened for her to suddenly bolt? Well, TMZ says that Tommy really wanted to ship Suri off to Sea Org, which is like a Scientology boarding school where they brainwash the children into believing the words of a science fiction writer. The kids are sent to live there at the age of 6 and parents are not allowed. Katie got out of there to save Suri's soooooouuuul.

You know, those crazy Scientology bitches would probably have more members if they accepted kids as young as 2 into that Sea Org mess. Yes, brainwashing a kid at any age is wrong, but have you ever spent some time with a terrible two year old? They'll drive you to pick up the phone, dial 1-800-GET-XENU and say, "Hey Scientology, tell me about this Sea Org shit..."

MSNBC and a bunch of people on Twitter noticed that the members and future member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Wives Club all have something in common and it might give you nightmares of the number threeeeee. This is some creepy numerology shit.

Mimi Rogers, who started all the Sea Org fuckery by introducing Tommy to Scientology, was 31 when she became the first Mrs. Tom Cooze in 1987 and 33 when their marriage choked on a gay bullet and died in 1990. Mimi was 34 when their divorce was finalized.

Nicole Kidman was 23 when she married Tommy in 1990 and 33 when their 10-year contract ended in 2001. Nicole was 34 when her shackles officially came off after their divorce finalized.

Katie Holmes was 28 when she became the third bride of Scientology in 2006 and she's 33 now. If their divorce goes through after December, she'll be 34 when she's officially free.

So every one of Tommy's wives was 33 when they split and 34 when that shit finalized. THE FUCK? Is 33 the age when God finally feels sorry for Tommy's wife and wins her soul back in a rock, paper, scissor match with L. Ron Hubbard on a neutral planet (Neptune, obviously)? Does the mind control spell wear off when she's 33? And each Tommy wife is almost 11 years younger than the last one. If Tommy is shopping for a fourth beard wife already, then that means he's trolling the IMDB pages of all actresses born in 1989 or 1990. Hide yo 22-year-old actresses!

You know, I've been wondering why Suri Cruise hasn't been stomping the streets in her Louboutin Jr. heels. Now we know it's because she needed some sensible flats on her feet for when she needed to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Shit is getting real, because TMZ says that when Katie Holmes filed papers yesterday in NYC to legally cancel her bearding contract with Tommy Girl, she did it behind his back and he never saw it coming. So I'm guessing Suri created a diversion by having a tantrum on the floor in front of the guard guarding the locked door to Katie's windowless cell. As Suri kept the guard busy, Katie pulled away the "I Love L. Ro" poster on her wall and crawled through the hole that she's been digging for the past 5 years with a metal spoon. Then she ran to a getaway car driven by Dawson. That's exactly how it happened.

And now that Katie has de-programmed herself. She's really going hard. Katie wants sole custody of Scientology's golden child. A source tells Radar that Katie wants sole custody of Suri, because she is sick of raising her the Xenu-way and is even more sick of Suri's barley breath:

"Katie and Tom also have very different parenting views. Katie wants Suri to go to school with other children and have a grounded routine whereas Tom doesn't, he wants her schooled in the same manner as Connor and Isabella were. Tom is nowhere near as strict as Katie is and doesn't believe in disciplining Suri, whereas Katie believes that is important. Tom basically treats Suri as a little adult, however Katie treats her like a six-year-old child, and that causes some major clashes over parenting style."

Woe is Tommy. Who's he going to dress up in pink frilly dresses and parade in front of the paparazzi so he looks like a perfectly family man? I guess John Travolta is always available.

"....I couldn't get the scent of butt syrup, curdled goat milk, burnt barley and lube designed to smell like Matt Lauer's saliva off my fingers for days. Don't ask me how I know about that last one."

So You Think You Can Dance's Mia Michaels was a choreographer on Cock of Ages and one of her jobs was to turn Tommy Girl into a hot-blooded heterosexual thrusting sex machine. I heard that Mia got Tommy to thrust his Thetans off by holding a rubber replica of David Beckham's butt in front of him. Yes, they had to remove the butt in post-production, but that took less work than getting Tommy to thrust on his own. Anyway, Mia tells Vulture that she got so close to Tommy that at one point her hands went somewhere not many women have been before: his Scientolobush. Surprisingly, when Mia's fingers touched Tommy's pubic beard, his crotch Thetans didn't bite at her hand.

"I watched him transform physically from being a classic sexy man into a rock star. And it was awesome watching the transformation.

My hands were all over him at all times, but when you're working, you don't think about that. My hands were inside his pants at one point, pulling him, pulling his pubes, and it was just part of the choreography. It was just very funny, because when you're in the dance, it doesn't matter. It's about if it's right, and if it is, let's go with it."

What kind of choreography calls for pube yanking? That's some Fifty Shades of Grey: The Ballet kind of shit.

I take back what I said about OctoMom's self-love porn. The image of Mia Michaels staring into Tommy's eyes as she touched his dick mane is the most disturbing thing that has hit my mind today. I bet as Mia's fingers hovered above Tommy's Scientolopeen, she thought to herself, "I've only been with men, but for years they've been saying that I love to do lyrical moves with my tongue on lady labia. Maybe I should explore that more..."

Here's Tommy shooting scenes for Oblivion with Olga Kurylenko in NYC yesterday. I don't know how I should knowing that Tommy grows his pubes out and doesn't get a Brazilian wax next to John Travolta on Scientology spa Sundays.

You see Tommy Girl making the rock 'n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can't help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.

To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu's kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology's doctors must have invented a "vitamin" that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here's a few choice quotes from Tommy's tea time with Playboy:

On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: "I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard."

On if a plastic surgeon's scalpel has ever touched his face: "I haven’t, and I never would."

On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: "I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards."

On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): "Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, 'Fuck you! Fuck you!' Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them."

On jumping on Oprah's couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields' postpartum depression: "I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited."

On if he's keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: "What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, 'He’s avoiding it.' If I do talk about it, it becomes, 'Oh, he’s proselytizing.' Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things."

On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: "No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”

On why he's sued over shit written about him or his family: "They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, 'Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.' There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.

On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard's hard drive: "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, 'You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?' She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, 'I wrote this script.' She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special."

Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don't know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren't weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men's sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn't I ever notice that Tommy's tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?

If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone's kid isn't nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can't with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can't with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can't with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl's singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I'm can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there's only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he's gonna get it.