Tommy Girl

Oscar-winning movie director Paul Haggis was a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard's alien magic for 35 years, but he quit those crazy bitches over their support of Prop 8. Ever since then, Paul has been publicly dragging Xenu all over the place and he doesn't seem to care that Scientology most likely has a dirt ditch in their backyard with his name on it. Every time a Scientology goon comes at him, he just points his finger behind them, screams "It's E.T.!" and then runs to hide in the Big Gay Ice Cream truck (since Scientologists will never go into a place with ice cream AND gays in it).

After Vanity Fair put out an excerpt on their story about the search to find the third Mrs. Tommy Girl, Paul co-signed their story in an open letter he gave to Showbiz411. Vanity Fair claims that actress Nazanin Boniadi, who was a Scientologist at the time, was audited to become Tommy's third robot beard, but she was kicked out of the running after it was decided she wasn't famous enough. When Nazanin told a Scientologist friend about dating Tommy, Scientology punished her by making her dig ditches.

Scientology went to their publicist robot, hit the "canned denial" button (fun fact: their publicist robot only has one button and it's the '"canned denial" button) and the publicist robot told UsWeekly that Vanity Fair's story is a shit pile of lies. But Paul Haggis says Vanity Fair's story is completely true, because he's friends with Nazanin and knew about this story for a long time:

I’ve known Nazanin for about three years. I met her through a mutual friend when I was doing my own personal research into the allegations against Scientology, before I wrote my letter of resignation. Naz was embarrassed by her unwitting involvement in this incident and never wanted it to come out, so I kept silent. However I was deeply disturbed by how the highest ranking members of a church could so easily justify using one of their members; how they so callously punished her and then so effectively silenced her when it was done. It wasn’t just the threats; they actually made her feel ashamed, when all she had been was human and trusting....

After I wrote my resignation letter, a dozen or more “friends” and officials of the church repeatedly descended on me to demand that I destroy the letter and resign quietly. I told them that wasn’t an option for me. I also told them that I had more sources of information about the troubling nature of the organization then I was at liberty to divulge. This was one.

I’ve met quite a number of people who have been treated shamefully but are afraid to speak out. This story will draw attention because of our fascination with celebrity. Most of the others are just ordinary people whose stories, if told, would not appear in a magazine. They live in fear of retribution, legal, financial or personal, even some famous ones. They fear an incredibly wealthy organization that boasts that it seeks truth, empowers people, brings families together, encourages independent thought and free speech, and champions human rights. I would like to say that i don’t know how its members, many of them good and intelligent people, can remain so purposely blind when they are faced with evidence like this every day, but then I am no one to talk. I was happily blind for many years, so I know the shame that Naz feels.

In Naz’s case, she has no right to feel ashamed. She is not only a terrific actress at the beginning of a very promising career, she is a dedicated human rights activist and a truly lovely and caring person. The last thing she wanted or needed is this kind of publicity, but here it is, and I am sure she will deal with it with the same grace and dignity she exudes in her daily life. I’m appalled that any church would treat its parishioners this way, but Naz has never cast herself as a victim. She is strong and resilient and I am very proud to call her a friend.

And FYI, in case this wasn’t clear, Naz quietly and privately resigned from the church a couple of years ago after several years of trying to handle this injustice internally, to no avail.

It's not hard to believe Vanity Fair's story, because it's old news and everyone knows Scientology is crazier than a flaming bag of raccoon dicks. But what gets me is how bad at matchmaking they are. Scientology can't matchmake worth shit. Naz was a failed match and Katie Holmes was really a failed match. It's not hard, either. They just need to find a beard who's shorter than Tommy, is a theatrical queen like him, has a mind that lives on another planet and won't ask questions when he comes home smelling like a passed around man butt dildo. The answer is simple: Liza. Liza Minnelli should totally be Tommy's next beard. Liza with a Xenu!

Here's Tommy having dinner with the owners of the Washington Redskins and posing with "fans" in Croatia over the weekend.

Damn that selfish Katie Holmes for only thinking of her selfish self by not dragging Tommy Girl to court to squeeze more gold bars out of him for the sake of Suri's future luxurious lifestyle. The courts officially shaved Katie from the bottom of Tommy's face this week when a judge finalized their semi-quickie divorce and now TMZ has all the details of what she actually got. Because Katie insists on being an independent woman, doing it for herself (copyright: Kandi from RHOA), she turned down monthly spousal support and a lump sum. The only thing Katie is getting is her soul back and $33,333.33 a month in child support from Tommy. Yes, ONLY $33k a month! That won't even cover half of Suri's monthly shoe budget. Let's let the self-talking Madame puppet that is Brayden from A-List: Dallas express our thoughts about this tragic news (skip to the 0:10 mark):

Yes, Brayden, I'm as sear-eeee-ess as the heart attack the manager of Suri's own personal Louboutin factory will have after he finds out he has to shut everything down, because she can't afford their services anymore. I'm Surious!

Tommy will spend a total of $4.8 million on child support by giving Katie $33k a month until Suri turns 18. Tommy is also paying for most of Suri's expenses including tuition for her fancy school, health insurance, college and medical and dental bills. Both Tommy and Katie both agreed that Suri will never go to boarding school. TMZ says that if Katie took Tommy to court, she would've gotten a lot more, but she just wanted to get away  rom his crazy ass soon as possible.

For Suri's sake, I hope that Katie's team leaked false documents to TMZ to make it look like she didn't get paid millions upon millions of dollars to keep her lips shut about Tommy putting his mouth over every hole at the Scientology glory hole. This has to be a mistake. But sadly, I sort of believe it, because Suri's been taking a lot of cabs (aka mobile poor movers) and here she is taking another cab last week. I hate Katie for this, especially because you know Blue Ivy Carter sent Suri a tweet about these pictures and you know that tweet said: NOT EVEN CARMEL?! LuLz!

Remember the old days when Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's manufactured smiles would make our genitals run up into our bodies and cling to our insides? It's safe for your genitals to come back out again, because those days are officially over now that Tommy has ripped up their marriage license, threw the pieces into a stone bowl, added a little oil and muddled into a thick lube that he rubbed all over his Scientolohole and then humped away the pain he got from losing another beard. People says that less than two months after Katie filed for divorce, a judge in New York signed off on it and finalized that shit. The FREE KATIE mission is complete.

As everybody already knows, in the divorce settlement, Katie gets full control of her brain, a lump sum, child support and full custody of Scientology's former golden child Suri. Tommy gets to visit Suri as long as he doesn't try to kidnap her, drag to wherever the old Star Trek: The Experience ride is housed and teleport her to the Galactic Confederacy headquarters on the planet Htrae.

We should praise Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo from Earth Girls Are Easy (they're Scientology's demigods, right?), because Tommy is finally free and no longer has to drag around an insubordinate beard who frowns when he calls her "Kate" and gets all whiny when he tells her that it's time to complete the transformation by getting a robot lobotomy. Katie was so annoying. Every time Tommy's Grindr app on his iPhone froze up and he had to take it to the Genius Bar, Katie would step into that Apple store and run away screaming thinking she was there to get her human brain replaced with OS X Garfield (or whatever the name of the latest OS is). That is all behind him now.

Now Tommy can focus on finding a beard who keeps it professional and isn't going to ruin his non-stop sauna orgy party by trying to take down Scientology. I hear Kristen Stewart might be available and her head is already empty, so she's halfway to a robot lobotomy.

And here's two sets of pictures of Suri with Katie in NYC yesterday. In one set, Suri's bitching out the paps with her face. In the other set, Suri's wearing one of Endora's favorite house dresses while doing kid stuff at a place where you do kid stuff.

Tommy Girl is just a couple of months away from being legally free of the selfish human who refused to complete her transformation into a microchip-brained Stepford Wife and the head bitches at Scientology are already shopping around for his fourth wife. Tell Ashley Greene to not bother sending in her head shot, salary requirements and recommendation letters from past beading jobs, because Scientology has learned their lesson and they're filling the position internally this time (sounds sexy, but it isn't). Scientology isn't about to let another outsider blow open their front doors so that the public can see them sucking each other's dicks and being crazy and shit. Not this time.

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that former members of Scientology are placing their bets on 27-year-old Yolanda Pecoraro as the next Mrs. Tommy Girl. Both of Yolanda's parents are Scientologists and she's been taking classes since she was 13. Yolanda is even used to tasting butt nectar on Tommy's lips during staged kissing sessions, because she dated him for a quick minute after meeting him at the opening of a Scientology center in Spain in 2004. Yolanda apparently has a boyfriend, but he's also a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard, so it'll only take one or two audit sessions to fully brainwash him into dumping her. Some source said this about Tommy's newest beard bride:

"With the embarrassment his divorce has caused the church, they want to stabilize the situation quickly. They also want to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom's next wife, they'd certainly want her to have a child soon. So she could quickly be going from her modest apartment to a mansion in Beverly Hills with a baby on the way. And there's little doubt she'd do what's best for the church."

Another source called Yolanda a true "princess of Scientology" and I don't appreciate that shit. That source's Thetans must be shitting lumps of stupidity onto their brain, because Tommy is the true princess of Scientology. Bow down and engrave that on your brain. If Yolanda thinks she's the princess, there's really going to be a problem, because no wife of Tommy touches his tiara. You know what else is a problem? Yolanda is not the right age! All of Tommy's wives were around 11 years younger than the last one, so his new wife should be 22. Don't screw with the numbers. But if they insist on screwing with the numbers, they should really make John Travolta Tommy's fourth and final wife, because that marriage will last until Xenu destroys earth and all the Scientologists escape in penis-shaped pods.

More importantly, WWYAS (What Would Yolanda's Abuelita Say)? I'd like to see Tommy try to use his telekinesis powers to stop an abuelita's switch from coming at him. Won't work.

Here's Tommy putting on a smile for the millions of paps while giving Suri a reverse piggyback ride in Manhattan yesterday.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it's the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they'll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that's a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn't give two shits about Tommy's threats.

Tommy's lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer's latest cover about Tommy's house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is "disgusting and lurid," is ruining Tommy's reputation and will cost Scientology's Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here's a small piece:

"Your cover announces, as a fact, that 'THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.' Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster.' He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man." The cover also includes the headline "Inside Tom's House of Horrors" alongside a picture of Cruise's Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a "tortured life" with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.

Can't Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can't he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I'm guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren't working.

If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise's reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu's safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!

And here's Katie, Suri and Katie's mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It's nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, "She's been exposed!" 

In the real-life video game passed off as a religion called Scientology, Tommy Girl's name is near the top of the leaderboard at the end credits, because he's almost beat every villain (including sanity), unlocked every achievement and most importantly, has written the biggest check. (Truth: a TRUE queen buys her title!) In an 11-page expose on Scientology in Rolling Stone , the author of Inside Scientology: The Story of America's Most Secretive Religion, Janet Reitman, writes about the inner workings of Scientology's hierarchy and says that Little Lord Tommy sits in on a gilded high chair on a throne in the church's royal court. Tommy has almost climbed to the top of the Bridge to Terabithia, or whatever the hell those crazies call it, and is now one of the main queens, so you better curtsy at his platform heels.

Being one of the HAIC (head aliens in charge) has given Tommy more powers than all of the True Blood bitches combined. You know how Sookeh Stackhouse thinks her fairy vagina has some real powers? Well, her fairy vagina has nothing on Tommy's fairy vagina. Janet writes that Tommy is an OT VII and is near the top of Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom:

OTs are Scientology's elite — enlightened beings who are said to have total "control" over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.

Thetan, please. The only thing Tommy has an affect on is MLFN: My Last Fucking Nerve.

If Tommy read a book from the YA Science Fiction section at a Barnes & Noble, he would've ended up with the same information and the same amount of special powers: NONE. Bitch thinks he's Evie Garland and shit.

Tommy can't leave his body at will, because if he could he'd permanently move into a taller one. Tommy can't control inanimate objects with his mind, because if he could he wouldn't have to psychically straighten his butt plug every time it shifted while he walked. Tommy can't control the behavior of animals, because if he could he'd give himself a good cackle by making the tortured beast on John Travolta's head jump in public. Tommy can't read the minds of humans, because if he could he wouldn't have busted out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" when Katie filed for divorce.

Tommy is taking part in the most expensive and creepiest role-playing games ever, but if it makes him happy, then I say keep jumping up that bridge to nowhere, bitch.

I've made jokes that the blueprint for Katie Holmes' I QUIT THIS BITCH mission had clips from Sleeping with the Enemy, The Wire, Alias and Not Without My Daughter in it, but The Los Angeles Times (via UsWeekly) says it really did. Since Katie couldn't queef on her bed sheet without Scientology scientists immediately rushing in to confiscate the sheet for testing, she had to be stealth when making her divorce plans, because Scientology was watching her every twitch. If the High Priestess of Scientology, Tommy Girl, ever found out about Katie's plans to not renegotiate her marriage contract, he would've given her another lobotomy with a protocol droid and sent Suri to live in a boarding school on the edge of Xenu's intergalactic volcano.

The Los Angeles Times says that Katie hired three law firms in three states and even had one of her friends buy a prepaid cell phone so she could have covert conversations in secret places Scientologists never go like pharmacies, strip clubs with titties and ice cream parlors with gay people in it. UsWeekly says that one of those down low conversations might've been with the second member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Beards Club, Nicole Kidman. Apparently, Nicole "lent Katie her ear" during all of this. Since Nicole's ear is entirely made of plastic and is completely detachable like her face, I totally picture her sending it to Katie via FedEx and Katie talking into it while hiding out from Tommy under bed.

Before Katie told Scientology to take her e-meter and shove it up their asses ("Okay! That sounds fun!" - David Miscavige), I thought she was nothing but a boring bowl of soggy cornflakes whose brains must've been made of broken Christmas ornaments if she willingly signed up to a Bride of Xenu, but all the stealth moves she made during her divorce have given me a new appreciation for her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she's suddenly great at making life decisions all the time, because obviously she isn't. I mean, look at that denim sack of a dress she wore while hanging out with Suri and her mom yesterday.

Oh, and Katie gave her latest FUCK YOU to Scientology by going back to the Catholic Church and joining St. Francis Xavier in NYC. From HuffPo:

“Everyone is thrilled to have Katie join us,” a member of the church's choir told me. “She has not yet attended a service, but when she does she will be welcomed with open arms.”

The church, located on 16th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues, is known for inclusive thinking and its welcoming of many gay and lesbian Catholics. Its mission statement indicates that the Roman Catholic Church parish “strives to be a prophetic, welcoming community, inclusive witness to the presence of Christ Jesus in our midst.” Its website proclaims that it is a respectful community, “where seekers and their questions are welcomed, where injustice is challenged, where the poor, the alienated and marginalized find a home, and where people are refreshed, reconciled and renewed.”

You might be thinking, "Oh well, at least the Catholic Church won't stalk and threaten a bitch if she wants to leave." But have you ever told your Catholic abuelita that you don't want to go to Sunday mass? Scientologists ain't got shit on a Catholic abuelita.

Seen her a while ago being the tea bag instead of getting tea bagged like usual, Tom Cooze apparently agreed to keep all Scientology-related stuff in his mouth when he's around Suri and Katie Holmes also agreed to not fill her daughter's head with any talk about religion until she gets older. Shortly after, Tommy and Katie signed their divorce settlement agreement and shoved those papers up somewhere that nobody will dare to go (aka John Travolta's Scientolohole), the details began to leak ("Oops. I fawted." - Travolta). We already know that Katie got primary physical custody of Suri and TMZ says that both sides also agreed to shut their lips about religion. Katie also gets to decide where Suri goes to school.

A source tells TMZ that the "custodial provisions" part of the agreement is no joke and covers a large part of Suri's childhood. As the years ago by, Katie and Tommy can slowly fill her ears with religion talk including alien tales according to L. Ron. So basically, Scientology will have to get a new golden child. But wait, Katie's lawyer tells People that all this speculation needs to be taken with a grain of barley dust:

"There are numerous inaccuracies in the reports regarding the purported contents of the agreement reached between the parties," says attorney Jonathan Wolfe. "The agreement is confidential and its terms will not be disclosed."

Whatever, I believe the Scientology ban and Katie should really get a parade for winning that battle, but she isn't the real winner in all of this. It's Suri! Suri doesn't have to get her brain washed with alien shit AND she doesn't have to sit through a 4 hour-long Catholic mass on Sunday morning. You don't know how many times I was dragged away from my cartoon-viewing on a Sunday morning to go to mass with my abuelita. The worst part of Catholic mass is sitting on a hard ass seat while watching the growns sip on a christblood-tini. The children didn't get any refreshments! Not even a virgin christblood-tini. Rude.

In "Don't Mess With A Bitch Who Knows Some Shit News," both People and TMZ say that Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes have already agreed to all the details in their divorce settlement after only a few days of negotiations. Katie's lawyer says that the agreement has already been signed by both sides and she can't wait "to start the new phase of her life" and re-discover the emotion known as happiness which she forgot existed. Tommy and Katie also released this statement that simply translates into: "LEAVE SCIENTOLOGY ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"

"We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri's best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other's commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other's roles as parents."

"Our respective beliefs..." That's one way of saying that during their 30-second divorce settlement brawl, Katie tagged in The Pope and Tommy tagged in Xenu.

Of course, zero details about their settlement agreement have been released, because Tommy doesn't want us to know that he got custody of all the E.T. finger-shaped strap-ons, but People knows a few things. Their source says that Suri will stay in NYC with Katie and Tommy has been given "generous" visitation rights.

That shit was fast and I'm slightly disappointed that we won't get to see Tommy try to furiously re-activate the microchip in Katie's head just as she's about to spill more shit about him in a public custody hearing. Obviously, with all the ESCANDALOSO stories about Scientology coming out, David Miscavige twisted Tommy's nipple (and not in a sexy way) and told him to make it all go away or his Scientology glory hole privileges will be revoked.

And here's a few pictures of Katie with Suri yesterday. I'll update this post as soon as pictures of Katie doing the "FREEEEEEE AT LAAAAST" shuffle down the streets of Manhattan come out.

At least we'll always have this masterpiece from the Museum of Beards of Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl looking like two butch power lezzies at the top of their game. Those were the days when Tommy could hit a few keys on Stepford Katie's control pad and get her dress up like a power top to his power bottom. But the roles have reversed and Katie's the one controlling a bitch for now.

TMZ says that Tommy has pressed pause on his plans to file for divorce in California and is playing nice with Katie by keeping their custody fight in New York. TMZ also farted into our popcorn bags, because they claim that Tommy and Katie won't give us some extra dramatic Kramer vs. Kramer shit in a public court room anytime soon. BOOOOOOOO. Tommy's NY lawyers and Katie's lawyers are in a conference room somewhere in Manhattan quietly negotiating custody of Scientology's golden child, child support and money shit. One source says that if shit goes well, they can figure everything out in NY and won't have to move this mess to CA.

Well, well, well..... Earlier this week, Tommy was all ready to put on his best pair of stompin' heels and fight a trick hard. My guess is that Tommy changed his mind when Katie strolled to his locked closet door, held up its key and threatened to open it. Tommy is all for a bitch squeezing his nuts, but not like this and not by Katie. I love it. Oh, to be a Thetan sipping a martini on the end of Tommy's butt plug during those negotiations. I'd love to feel the clench of his nalgas as Katie threatens to tell everyone about the Shrine to David Beckham in his dungeon unless he agrees to not give Suri a Kiddie's First E-Meter Kit for her next birthday.