Bronson Pinchot (aka Balki from Perfect Strangers) must have been sipping on the finest wine cooler and toking on some serious shit during his interview with The Onion's A.V. Club, because he was feeling mighty comfortable. There was no leash on Bronson's mouth.
You just want to curl up besides him with your bong, and let him whisper about how Bette Midler was such a cunt to her director or how Mischa Barton explodes into a typhoon of tears when you make fun of her ass. Good shit. But the best part of the interview is the picture Bronson paints of the maniacal gay troll known as Tommy Girl.
Bronson worked with Tommy on Risky Business, and said that not only was he as boring as a broken vibrator, but he also made awkward and random homophobic comments all the time. Hmm...I wonder why.
Bronson said, "We thought Tom [Cruise] was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, 'You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?' I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange. Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think 'God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.' He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, 'You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!' [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, 'What are you doing?'"
GOLD COVERED GOLD! "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" is the funniest thing that has ever come out of Tommy Girl's mouth! Homealien could headline the Queens of Comedy if he continued to say shit like that. But I'm sure Tommy Girl no longer makes such comments since the aliens cured him of his asshole's thirst for hard dick. Right.
And who does Bronson think is the most unpleasant human being on earth? No, it's not Tommy. Bronson said that working with Denzel Washington on Courage Under Fire was complete torture, "He’s one of the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s this mega-superstar. He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn’t like me, but it was a dreadful experience. I spent my salary on time with my shrink just for helping me get through it, and what that led to was the very next big movie that I did. I should have said to the producers, 'You get that guy in line, or I’m out of here.' Life’s too short."
Read the rest of the interview at The A.V. Club. Bronson should really put these stories into song and take this shit to Broadway.
Stepford Katie has already said that Tommy Girl smacks his lips, rotates his head and gives her the "Girl, no you didn't" eye whenever she's wearing a dress he doesn't approve of. Well, at last night's Elle's Women in Hollywood Tribute, Katie told UsWeekly that Suri is her main stylist and picks out most of her outfits. A three-old dressing a robot. There's a sitcom in there somewhere.
Katie said, "She loves clothes and picks out her own." Apparently, Suri even picked out the ensemble Katie's wearing here including that sheer blouse with the black bra. SURI THE HARLOT! In all seriousness, I'm not surprised to hear that Suri is Katie's stylist. I mean, I've always figured Suri had an intense fascination with the 90s (example: Katie's overuse of tight-rolled jeans).
One of Katie's friends (HA! Like she has those) said that Suri not only calls the shots when it comes to fashion. Suri is the BOSS OF EVERYTHING! The friend said, "Suri makes the rules and Tom and Katie go along with it. She is not a spoiled brat, but she is the center of their universe."
Xenu trembles in Suri's presence, because she really is the Queen of the Aliens. You know that kind of hurts Tommy since he's been forced to put away his "Queen of the Aliens" sash.
According to The Daily Mail, Tommy Girl has finally let Stepford Katie call a shot by allowing her to enroll Suri into a Catholic pre-school in Boston. Apparently, Katie and Tommy have been fighting about where to send Suri. Stepford Katie won and is sending Suri to the Catholic Charities Yawkey Centre For Early Education And Learning. For being a pre-school, that name is really damn long. You need an English degree to read that shit.
Anyway, a source said, "They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end." More like "Tom came while getting it in the end." Seriously, in order for Tommy to agree, Katie had to take a dildo to his Scientohole while dressed up as L. Ron Hubbard.
The school's website makes it sound like it's more of a daycare program than an actual School of JEEEBUS. So I doubt Suri will be re-enacting the birth of Baby Jesus (she could totally play Mary, though) or throwing her hands up in the air to feel the spirit. However, you know her ass will be sneaking off to sip the wine with the other kids. I mean, that's the best part of Catholic school!
Here's Suri with Tommy and Katie in Boston yesterday. Save your "SHE'S NOT WEARING A JACKET" screams for another day. A jacket doesn't go with that outfit, and Suri is willing to freeze in the name of fashion.
Tommy Girl had the day off from shooting that movie yesterday, so he took his family out to Cambridge, MA for a little fun in the sun. And by "sun," I mean the flash bulbs from the paparazzi cameras. Seriously, they even put Suri on display in the window of a cupcake shop. Not so subtle.
But Suri proved once again that she's the most talented one in that family. Suri goes from making a "What in Xenu hell are you looking at?" face to a "Hey Girl Hey" face to a "Please Take Me Home!" face to a "I iz eating that cupcake with my eyes (Ode to Stains)" face. TALENT!
And I think I'm on the Suri Diet without even knowing it. I mean, just like Suri, all I eat is cupcakes and ice cream. Sure, I don't drink barley water, but I do get for THIRSTAY for beer. Barley water is just like beer but without the fun.
Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.
Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”
The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"
Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."
In an ice cream parlor in Boston yesterday, Suribot climbed on the counter, grabbed at the topping and pretty much exploded over the thought of eating deliciousness. Switch out "Boston" and "Suri" with "DQ" and "Michael K" and that sentence would still be FACT. When the ice cream scoopers see me coming, they bring out their tasers. Seriously, doesn't everyone climb on the counters and lose their minds over ice cream? Well, not weepy ass Stepford Katie, but that ho doesn't even know she's on Planet Earth, let alone an ice cream store in Boston. It's going to take more than a cone full of sugar to get that trick in check.
Here's more of Icecreamzilla, Robobeard and Katie's mom terrorizing Boston.
On November's cover of Elle, Stepford Katie actually looks like a real-life human being who doesn't need to be programmed to smile. Photoshop is the best drug sometimes. They must have used the "living person" tool on her.
In the issue, Katie says that Tommy Girl always has something to say about what she's wearing. Can't you just picture him giving her the once over and rotating his hips while snapping in z-formation if he disapproves? Typical queen.
Katie said, "He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that.' Tom has great taste."
HAH. Yes, Tommy does have wonderful taste. Anybody who takes a peek at his platform midwife shoes knows that. And not only is Tommy a controlling robot master, but he always knows when a dress is wearing you! Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe better watch it, because Tommy Girl is going sashay on in and snatch her career. Hopefully when Tommy says, "I DIE," he means it. Literally.
Damn. Look at Tommy Girl puffing out those succulent tits while manhandling Cameron Diaz on the Boston set of Wichita yesterday. Tommy almost looks like a big butch top! Almost. Maybe this will convince Will Smith to let Tommy tame his hole next time. Naw, probably not. Tommy still looks like a kitten wearing a strap-on.
And you know deep down, Tommy wants to be the one wearing the frilly yellow dress. Truth is, his chichis would probably look better in it than Cameron's.
Suri is jealous that her daddy gets to sashay around the house in sparkly kitten heels, so he got her a pair of her very own which she wore while shopping in Boston with that weepy robot woman who really needs ten Calgon baths and an alien exorcism.
Personally, I think you can never ever been too young to start wearing heels. If you pop out a baby girl, put the booties away and pop some exquisite lucite heels on her feet. All babies should learn how to work a pair of lucite heels like Shauna Sand before they even start to crawl. There's my parenting tip for the day!
Later in the day, Suri met up with her daddy (see the last thumbnail) and asked him why he had white stuff on his mouth and why he was wearing that silly costume (SPOILER ALERT: he was role-playing earlier).
Yes, this is my second TomKat post of the day. If you see a third, check me into the crazy house for barley water addiction and alien obsession. It'll be for my own good. SO....
Here's Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie jogging all over Boston today. This is probably the first time in the history of their agreement that they have worked up a sweat together. Usually, girl sweat gives Tommy the ewwws, but Katie perspires robot oil so it's all good.
You know Tommy has an industrial strength butt plug (in the shape of L. Ron Hubbard's head) up his Scientolohole to keep his extra-long ass flaps from clappity clapping and disturbing the peace.
And they didn't bring Suri along, because they know that she would've ran her ass off to the nearest bus station.