TomKat

In 2001, Tommy Girl filed a lawsuit against the then-editor of Bold magazine Michael David Sapir for claiming to have a video of Tommy partaking in a little gay stuff with another dude (just another home movie). The lawsuit was settled and Michael David issued a statement saying he lied about the tape. Well, 8 years later and now it's Michael David's turn to sue. Radar says that Michael David is suing Tommy Girl for spying on him by tapping his phone line. Michael David wants at least $5 million from Tommy Girl's lube fund.

In the court documents, Michael David claims that during the 2001 lawsuit, TG hired Anthony Pellicano, the sleazy P.I. who was convicted of wiretapping last year, to tappity tap tap his phone line.

You know Tommy Girl tapped Michael David's phone himself. Tommy jumps at any chance to slip on his custom-made Emma Peel catsuit. Michael David probably realized something in the milk wasn't clean when he noticed that all his dirty underwear was gone and that someone left a Shirley Bassey disc in his CD player.

I think it's safe to assume that Tommy Girl and his band of merry aliens have tapped all of our phone lines. This is why we should go back to communicating like we did when we were kids. We knew what was up back then. We only had conversations through soup cans, fake Barbie rotary phones, interpretive dance and booger notes. You can't tap any of that shit!

You know, I'm beginning to think that Tommy Girl is living vicariously through his 3-year-old daughter. Every night, Tommy Girl cuddles up with his L. Ron Hubbard real doll while dreaming of pirouetting through the parks of Sevilla, Spain in a ruffly pink Flamenco dress, Minnie Mouse's ho stroll heels and plastic clip-on earrings.

Since David Miscavige would confiscate his Hubbard real doll if he did this in real-life, he sends Suri out to do instead. When Tommy gets home, he spends hours Photoshopping his head over Suri's body, so he can live out his dream through pictures! True story.

Anyways, here's Tommy, Suri and that weepy robot giant strolling through Sevilla yesterday afternoon.

In the new issue of OK! Magazine, they claim Stepford Katie has agreed to get sexy with a turkey baster filled with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm as long as Tommy Girl puts $75 million in her piggy bank. Yeah, I don't know why the Scientology scientists have yet to find a way for Tommy Girl to carry his own spawn. I mean, he has the tits for it. But whatever.

According to some source, Stepford Katie plans to give Tommy a Scientology golden child sometime next year. The source went on to say a bunch of shit that really doesn't make sense, “She no longer feels like she’s just Mrs. Cruise. She’s her own person again. She and Tom have their disagreements, but deep down they love each other very much. That’s what is important.”

No, what's important is that he's giving her $75 million so that one day she can cleanse herself of his craziness in a tub full of liquid gold. You know what else is important? The fact that Suri isn't even mentioned in this article! Suri is the one who is sacrificing the most!

A baby will disturb Suri's beauty sleep, gnaw on her prized kitten heels, slobber all over her favorite lipsticks and steal from her stash of booze. Suri is the one who should be getting $75 million, because a stupid baby is going to RUIN HER LIFE!

P.S. - Nicole Kidman needs to stop. We don't care that the burrito she ate is giving her the farts.

Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl are getting shit from child experts and foot doctors who say that 3-year-old Suri Cruise is fucking up her tiny feet by strutting the streets in kitten heels. Stepford Katie says Suri loves playing with Tommy Girl's high heels and doesn't think there's anything wrong with her wearing them out and about. Suri really is her father's daughter.

Katie told Access Hollywood (via UsWeekly), "Like every little girl, she loves my high heels. They are actually ballroom dancing shoes for kids. I found them for her and she loves them."

Bitches need to put their assholes in a bowl of ice and calm down! If Suri Cruise needs get a foot transplant like Posh in a few years, that's on her! Actually, I don't think that's going to happen. In a couple of years, Tommy Girl is going to confiscate all of Suri's prized heels, because he's not going to like walking around with a 5-year-old daughter who is taller than him. Tommy Girl will not be shown up like that!

Hooray! Suri Cruise has graduated from the bottle. At lunch yesterday, Suri, being the elegant lady of the world that she is, sipped from a fancy wine glass. No need to place a call to CPS, because Suri wasn't drinking wine. Wine messes with her stomach and makes her all Kathie Lee Gifford-like. Suri was just sipping on a little gin with a splash of soda. It's all fine.

Here's more of Suri with her two slaves, Stepford Katie and Isabella, lunching and shopping in NYC yesterday afternoon.

I figured Tommy Girl was into rough nasty shit (i.e. fingering himself in the mirror, watching his own Scientology video on a loop, etc....), but who knew he was capable of beating down disobedient Scientologists (sarcasm = this is it).

Mark "Marty" Rathbun, a former high-ranking Scientologist, claims that Scientology leader David Miscavige regularly beat on the staff when they didn't obey him. Marty tells the NYDN about an incident at Scientology's headquarters in Hemet, CA a couple of years ago.

Before Tommy Girl's arrival at the compound, David Miscavige forced the managers to go through the "Tom Cruise Preparation Arrival Drill." The drill involves the managers polishing his favorite ass beads, making sure his room is fully stocked with hard peen and cueing up the Spice Girls song "Outer Space Girls" for his big entrance. David also asked the managers to take care of 3 insubordinate officials who were being held at Scientology's prisonlike facility called "The Hole."

After the drill was completed, David Miscavige addressed the 80 to 100 managers. David was not happy that they failed to beat the 3 "prisoners." Marty said, “Miscavige berated the managers for being far too light in their demands for confessions, because they refused to beat them ... to pulps. Miscavige said that Tom … had vowed to come to the Hole and personally ‘beat the living (bleep)’ out of Yager, Leserve and Mithoff (the 3 prisoners) if the managers failed to do so themselves. In response, the mob rushed at the three targeted gentlemen. Fists flew and feet kicked into the three. They continued to pound until … each had two black eyes.”

Scientology's official spokescrazy, Tommy Davis, said that the three officials have all provided sworn affidavits stating they were not beat. Tommy also said that Marty was fired from Scientology because they caught him beating other members.

Marty admits to delivering beat downs, but said he was only following orders from David Miscavige.

THE HOLE?! Tommy Girl beating on men?! This sounds like a treatment for the worst gay porn movie ever made. And if Tommy Girl really wanted to torture a bitch, he would just have to beat on his own peen in their presence. MERCY!

Awwww. How touching. Doesn't this look like a still from a commercial for Summer's Eve? Look at Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie strolling arm-in-arm. Tommy is a little embarrassed to ask Stepford Katie if she's ever had that not so fresh feeling? Katie is one with that feeling since she's married to a gigantic used butt plug.

Here's Tommy and Katie spending some precious girl time together on the set of his movie in Boston yesterday. And by "girl time," I mean publicity time, of course. Although, I don't know if anyone told Tommy that Katie was going to touch him during their staged photo shoot. That wasn't in the script. Tommy looks a little confused and uncomfortable by the whole thing. I bet his sphincter got the shakes and then passed out.

Bronson Pinchot pirouetted into our no-hearts when he spilled the shit on Tommy Girl, Denzel Washington and Eddie Murphy to The Onion's A.V. Club. In the interview, which was so beautiful that I almost tattooed it to my asshole (it's long enough), Bronson said that Denzel is about as pleasant as taking a dump in a truck stop bathroom, and that Tommy Girl is an expert at telling homophobic jokes (example: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?").

The Wall Street Journal contacted Bronson to see if he was just making jokes or if he was being serious. Bronson took the time to explain:

WSJ: Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made “constant unrelated homophobic comments” while on the “Risky Business” set?

"The context of the question was, 'how did he strike me as a person' at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23."

WSJ: What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you’ve met?

"I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience."

WSJ: Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?

"No."

So, basically, Bronson is standing by his words of poetry. If that man ever needs a nipple, he can have mine.

And Tommy Girl hasn't contacted Bronson, because he's waiting until the two meet in a dark alley somewhere. When that moment finally comes, Tommy will snap at Suri to hit "play" on his princess boombox, and he will challenge Bronson to a swish off! Bronson better work on his sway, because Tommy will bring it hard!

Since it's Tommy Girl Day (aka Alien Queef Day) on Dlisted, here's a hilarious quote from UsWeekly. At a Scientology event in England last week, Tommy got all huffy over protesters outside of the venue. Tommy reportedly told a friend:

"They're squirrels. Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!"

Tommy Girl getting angry makes all of laugh. Even the squirrels! Speaking of, in Scientology jargon, a "squirrel" is a bad bad traitor. Specifically, a bad traitor who changes the techniques of Scientology. So Tommy really BURNED them. You go, girl!

And Katie Holmes probably wishes her squirrel was stuck in an "electronic incident," because it probably hasn't creamed since 2006.

(Image VIA ICHC)

It's the Tommy Girl Hour of Crazy since this is my second post in a row on everyone's least favorite homo-midget. If I go for three, this website will suddenly become Hubbardlisted and anyone who has ever commented on a Tommy post will never be heard from again. We'll all become Suri's slaves. Let's not cross that spaceship bridge....

While watching American Pyshco, I just knew that Patrick Bateman's "skin-crawling" smirk and crazy eyes seemed strangely familiar. That's because Christian Bale used Tommy Girl as his inspiration for the sexiest serial killer in North America. But instead of violently jumping on couches, Patrick Bateman violently jumps on cooches.

Mary Harron, the director of American Psycho, told BlackBook Magazine about how she developed the character of Patrick Bateman with Christian Bale, "It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn’t actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy."

Cue Tommy screaming to Christian, "You and me are fucking done professionally!"

HAHAHAHA! Doesn't it make your soul sing to think that a crazed maniacal lunatic like Tommy was the inspiration for a crazed maniacal lunatic like Patrick Bateman?! They both make my asshole clench up like a cold wind is passing through, so this makes all kinds of sense! The only difference is that I'd probably unclench my fuck part for Patrick as long as he put the chainsaws, rats and cheese in the other room.