TomKat

Tommy Girl will drop to his knees at the whisper of a zipper heading down south, yet he can't fall a few centimeters to the floor to properly pay tribute to the ageless dusty Spanish rose that is La Duquesa de Alba! The same goes for that clown-faced Cameron Diaz!

Duchess de Alba did not beam down all the way from her summer casa on Qo'noS to be disrespected like this! Look at Tommy and Cameron smiling like they are one of her. Delusional assholes! If Duchess de Alba took shits (there's not a drop of waste in her), she would shit out prettier nuggets than Tommy and Cameron combined! This just confirms that Cameron and Tommy are the opposite of human, because any mere mortal instantly gets faint when they breathe in the blessed air dancing around Duchess de Alba's ethereal curly field of the dried tears of a million virgin angels. Cameron and Tommy are both guilty of treason and I hereby sentence them to a life without COCK.

While I write up their sentence on a scroll with a silver peen, curtsy while clicking through pictures of Spain's most exquisite and rarest gem. I also threw in a few pictures of Stepford Katie just in case Duchess de Alba's sheer beauty is too much for you to handle. Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl's public displays of fakeness will bring you back down.

Believe it or not, this is not a picture of Tommy Girl trolling The Ramble for a piece to feed to his Scientolohole. This is Tommy on the set of a commercial for ESPN showing us that when he waxes the dead Thetans off his body his chest follicles come off too. And to answer my own question, XENU NO! If you hit that, you would wake up in a Scientology sauna barfing the glib out of your system. That might sound sexy on paper, but you know it's not.

Here's more pictures of Tommy and Cameron Diaz on the set yesterday. In case you need a palate cleanser, I threw in some pictures of Simon Baker summoning the panty pudding in Monte Carlo. Oh, how I just want to slide around one of his golden locks.

Since most people can't stomach Tommy Girl unless he's wearing prosthetics and covered with thick hair from one of Khloe Kardashian's wax strips, he has signed on to star in a feature film version based on Len Grossman, the character he played in Tropic Thunder. Well, actually some dudes can stomach Tommy Girl in his regular form if he pays them in cash beforehand. But that's besides the point. They are making a Les Grossman movie! I can't, and neither should you. Here's the press release from Paramount (via Coming Soon):

Paramount Pictures and MTV Films announced today that they are set to develop a movie around mega-producer Les Grossman. The announcement comes on the heels of Grossman’s groundbreaking and visionary production of the soon-to-be Emmy® award-winning 2010 MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.

Grossman, best known as a mega producer, has most recently mentored talents such as Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. In 2008, Grossman was introduced to the masses by Stiller in the comedy “Tropic Thunder” where the famed producer had a cameo playing himself.

Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman's life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘Fucking kill the shit out of this movie and make Citizen fucking Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”

This is going to be like Austin Powers meets a hairy asshole. You couldn't get me to see this smelly taint of a movie even if you told me there was a reserved seat waiting for me. A reserved seat that was actually a nekkid Mah Boo Anderson Cooper squatting with Red Vines in one hand and Strawberry Hill in the other. Okay, I would, but I'd sit the other way.

Tommy Girl gushing from every single orifice about the man whose face is on the body pillow he cuddles and humps on nightly:

"I really admire David Beckham as a person, father, husband and athlete. He's absolutely fantastic. He's got a great competitive spirit and he's a tireless worker with a clear mind and a solid body."

How many times do you think his mouth slobbered while he was saying that? And I'm not talking about the mouth on his face.

via 3am (Thanks Jessica)

Suri Cruise is breathing a huge sigh of relief today, because she will no longer be woken up in the middle of the morning by her mother whispering secrets into the ear one of her plastic baby dolls. Suri has to learn over, grab one of her high heels off the floor and throw it at Stepford Katie's head. It's a fucking pain in Suri's ass. Hopefully, Katie won't be waking up Suri anymore because now she's got a friend of her own to whisper secrets to in her own room.

Katie joined her new bestest friend Angelina Ballerina at an event for her Dizzy Feet Foundation in Las Vegas yesterday. They are going to do everything together and you can tell Katie is full of happiness. I mean, bitch looks like she actually breathes oxygen and eats things that sprout out of the ground.

Even though Angelina Ballerina is a giant pink mouse in a pink tutu, she's still not as gay as Tommy Girl. And that's how his ass secretly likes it.

The MTV Movie Awards (yes, they still shit out that shit) took us back to the 2008 tonight when Tommy Girl sashayed out as Len Grossman and proceeded to bust out some kind of Scientology dance ritual of seduction that makes Xenu rip his E.T. underoos off and shut the door to his mom's basement every time. See what I mean:

Seriously, it was just a regular Sunday night for Tommy Girl, because he drops these same moves every week. But usually he does it in the deepest part of his dungeon....while completely nekkid......and surrounded by lubed up dudes.....with a double-sided butt plug in his Scientolohole. It was nice of him to share though! That wasn't the most terrifying part of this mess though. That came when JLo blatantly tried to wig snatch Charo! Why does this bitch think she's the next Charo? Charo has more glamour and talent in one of her ass lips than JLo has in her whole life! The day JLo is hailed as the new Charo is the day all coochies die. Coochie coochie NO!

And if you ever find yourself in a Scientology audit, just tell them that watching this performance in its entirety is the worst thing you've ever done in your life.

Bronson Pinchot was put on L. Ron Hubbard's hit list after he said Tommy Girl was an awkward homo-hater on the set of Risky Business. Bronson said that Tommy would spew ridiculous words of poetry like: "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" Well, an unnamed source tells the National Enquirer (I know, I know) that Tommy not only doesn't like gay people with his ice cream, but he also hates salsa music in his movies.

Seriously, when are we going to get a Tommy Girl reality show, because this kind of craziness needs to be documented for our enjoyment (aka more shit we can point and laugh at).

The source who worked with Tommy on his movie Knight & Day had this to say, "No one has ever seen Tom so close to the edge. Tom developed this bizarre habit of referring to himself in the third person. He'd say things like, 'Tom Cruise is an action star -- he'd never have salsa music in a film!'"

This is the thing, someone is lying here. Either the source is lying and Tommy never said that. Or Tommy was lying when he said salsa music is banned from his movies. Xenu doesn't like liars!

I mean, we all know that when Tommy is sitting in the middle of Suri's shoe closet scrubbing the dirt off the bottom of her high heels (she makes him do that), he daydreams about Antonio Banderas pirouetting in and grabbing him by the waist while a salsa band plays in the background. Antonio pulls a single red rose out of his butt crack, gently places it in Tommy's mouth and dips him so that he can see the stars (Suri has those glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in her shoe closet) above as he gracefully extends his arm out and then kicks his skirt up. So yeah, I'm fucking surprised that there's not salsa music in EVERY Tom Cruise movie.

And to keep the craziness going, here's a promo from the MTV Movie Awards of Tommy smacking his own ass. Don't bother him when he's down in his dungeon, because he'll be fingering himself to this for DAYS!

While sashaying through the red carpet at tonight's National Movie Awards in London, Tommy Girl was suddenly hit with the little boy sads because he wanted to be the one wearing the stilettos instead of Stepford Katie. And it didn't stroke his mood in a good way that his face was even closer to her areolas. AND the stripes kept directing his eyes towards her Scientolocooch. It so was not Tommy's night. But maybe he perked up later in the men's room when he didn't have to stand on his tippity tippy toes to get a peek at DanRad's peen when they were pissing next to each other.

Anyways, here's more of Tommy and Katie along with Fishsticks Paltrow (who is getting shown up by her fan), Orlando Bloom, the Harry Potter kids, and Kylie Minogue.

Answer: He swallowed it. Soooooo...Tommy Girl is on the cover of Esquire's "How To Be A Man" issue (too. fucking. easy.), and in it he talks about everything from riding a bike to the dick cheesy shit that comes out of his mouth before he goes to bed with Stepford Katie every night. Tommy sounds borderline sane in this interview, so I'm guessing Suri and L. Ron Hubbard's hologram stayed up all night writing out his answers. Here's a few choice quotes:

Tommy Girl on how he knows how to work a pair of sequined hot pants under a disco ball: "If anyone was teasing my sisters, I really felt it... I'd create different characters and ad-lib sketches to make my sisters and my mother feel better. I'd try to make them laugh. I'd do Donald Duck as John Wayne. I'd watch Soul Train and imitate the dancers. I guess you can say that's where it started. I always had a dream to be in movies, [my family] didn't say, That's impossible. They laughed."

Tommy Girl on how he knows how to ride a roaring bitch: "Now, I'd ridden bikes a lot. When I was a kid, I'd set up ramps for jumps, like Evel Knievel, and crash all the time. I'd done it all — but never on a minibike. I got on. Of course, all I wanted to do was go fast, so I hit the throttle. I started off by a neighbor's yard, went past our yard, which had a little hump, and suddenly I was airborne... Rrrrrrrrrrr! The minibike is still going. Oh, no, I'm alive... Okay, I'm alive. The minibike was wedged between the bumpers of the two cars. What a lesson: Know before you go. [You don't] have to curb your enthusiasm. Just fill it in with a little knowledge."

Tommy Girl on the couch abuse incident: "What happened, happened... I wanted the audience to be happy just like I wanted to make my sisters and my mother happy when I did those skits as a kid. But I'll take responsibility for my actions... Afterward, wild things were being said about me, and once they're in the ether, there's nothing you can do about it. It felt like being the new kid in the schoolyard again and the other kids are whispering and whispering about you and suddenly you hear what they're saying, and you think, What? That didn't happen. Look at the reality of the situation."

Tommy Girl on his love for Stepford Katie: "Because we do live in a cynical world. It's easy to be cynical. Making the choice not to be cynical is important. You can keep dwelling on what didn't work, or you can figure out how to fix it. Which is what being a parent is all about. You know, I'm married to such a special woman. Every night before we go to sleep, Kate and I look at each other and it's like, How'd we do today?"

And as the images of fish in an aquarium start to flash in Stepford Katie's eyes, Tommy Girl hits CLT+ALT+DELETE to put her to bed. Then he sprays the dust out of her ears with canned air and gently pulls the computer cover up to her neck before tip-toeing down to his dungeon to cuddle with a pair of tightey whiteys he snatched from David Beckham's gym bag.

You know, Tommy Girl is right! Being cynical is as easy shit.

Here's Tommy, Katie, Suri, and a few of her friends leaving a restaurant in NYC last night. Suri's a little pissed, because she wants to be the one wearing platform heels.

You must have to be under the influence of some mind-altering substance (example: barley water) to enjoy this mess, because I clenched my ass cheeks the whole time. My b-hole turned blue and passed out (again). This is a clip of Stepford Katie posing, sashaying and trying to sing "Whatever Lola Wants" from Damn Yankees while Tommy Girl tries his hardest to act like he's finding this mess sexy. This is almost as embarrassing as the time I burped and cracked while trying to sing "On My Own" during choir class in high school. If I was Suri, I'd send both of these twats directly up to their oxygen chambers without dinner.

You can tell Tommy Girl desperately wants to rip off his clothes (revealing a seafoam green sequined thong) and pirouette across the stage! Tommy wants to shake that pussy for Xenu, but he can't. And that's the saddest part, because Tommy would've done a sexier job too. I mean, Stepford Katie sings like a tongue-less deaf cat and she has the charisma of a suppository.

Dear Katie, I know what Lola wants and it isn't this fuckery.

via Just Jared