TomKat

Tom Cruise and his partner, Paula Wagner, have signed with MGM to bring back United Artists. This comes months after Tom and Paula were fired from Paramount.

Tom will produce and star in films for the new studio and Paula will serve as CEO. United Artists was founded 80 years ago by Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford. I’m sure they are rolling in their graves now, knowing this loon is running their ship.

He’s gonna screw it up somehow. Expect this shit to crash and burn in a few years. He should totally remake My Stepmother is an Alien starring Katie Holmes. Isn’t that a UA film?

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This is awesome and yes someone has a lot of time on their hands, but that's not the point. This is beautiful and unfortunately it will rot like the real Suri Cruise.

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Sumner Redstone, the crazy studio boss of Paramount, has spoken out on why he fired Tom Cruise. He said he took the advice from his wife, because according to her Tom had become hated by both men and women.

He says, "He was embarrassing the studio. And he was costing us a lot of money. $100 million, $150 million on Mission: Impossible III. It was the best picture of the three, and it did the worst."

"Paula (his wife), like women everywhere, had come to hate him. The truth of the matter is, I did listen to her. His behavior was entirely unacceptable to Paula and to the rest of the world. He just didn't turn one (woman) off. He turned off all women, and a lot of men. When did I decide (to fire him)? I don't know. When he was on the Today show? When he was jumping on a couch at Oprah? He changed his handler, you know, to his sister (LeAnne Devette)--not a good idea. The explosion was good. It sent a message to the rest of the world that the time of the big star getting all this money is over. And it is! I would like to think that what I did, or what we did, has had a salutary effect on the rest of the industry."

Sumner sounds just as crazy as Tom if you ask me. Those two should’ve stuck together and been shipped off to Insane Island. I’m sure one exists. In other TomKat news, the pair will apparently marry at the Mussolini compound in Italy. The massive villa was Benito Mussolini’s hideout during World War II.

A source said, "Katie recently visited the hotel with Victoria and fell in love with it instantly. It's an ideal place for Tom and her to tie the knot because it's hidden away by dense greenery on the landward side, while the view on the opposite side which overlooks the lake is stunning. Katie was made aware that Mussolini used it as a war-time base, but she seemed more interested in the fact that the likes of Grace Kelly had stayed there."

They are basically getting married in a bomb shelter? How fitting. Angelina Jolie is rumored to show up, but I doubt. That ho is too good to be associated with a bunch of nuts!

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The giant known as Katie Holmes ran into Brooke Shields at a private party in Beverly Hills this past weekend. Even though Tom Cruise once threw judgement on Brooke for taking meds to battle depression (he has since apologized), this didn't stop Brooke from speaking with Katie.

Suri Cruise was nowhere to be seen, as usual.

Does Katie grow like a foot a day? Is this a side effect of the crazy pills she is taking? She looks like she's going to eat Brooke.

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Posh Beckham was supposed to help Katie Holmes with all aspects of her wedding to Tom Cruise, but those plans have been put on hold after the BFFs have apparently had a falling out. The two took Paris Fashion Week by storm and looked like two lesbians from the 1950s. They attended all the shows in search for Katie’s perfect wedding dress. Giorgio Armani was hired to design the dress.

The two had a spat after Posh suggested that Katie drop a few before her wedding. A source said, "Victoria didn’t mean any harm, she just wanted to help Katie look her best for her big day. She offered to share her diet secrets but Katie immediately got defensive, saying she didn't need any advice. Katie is really proud of the weight she’s managed to lose since giving birth to Suri in April and she doesn’t think she has to lose anymore."

Diet secrets? Um…it’s no secret what this alien’s diet secrets are! They involve eating ice chips for breakfast, ice chips for lunch and a tic tac for dinner! Katie’s already lost a few anyway, a few marbles.

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Katie & Posh having lunch in London

TomKat have set their wedding date as November 18th and plan to marry in Italy. Katie Holmes is going to wear Giorgio Armani and Posh Beckham is their wedding planner. Sources say that Posh is helping Katie with everyone wedding detail, because she has such good taste. Yeah, their tablecloths are going to be leopard and the cuisine will be ice cubes and alfalfa sprouts.

The source said, "This is fantastic news for Katie. Not only has a date been set for her big day, she has got fashion queen Victoria helping with her wedding plans. She wants to have a stylish low-key hen do and if Victoria's around she'll be there helping her celebrate."

Don’t you need to have actual conversations in order to plan a wedding? Methinks that Posh and Katie never speak a word to each other. Lots of nodding and lots of awkward smiles, but nothing beyond that. Here are some pics of Posh looking like a call girl with her son as they made their way through Heathrow airport last week.

TomKat’s rep confirmed they will be legal on November 18th.

Guests have been notified to keep the weekend of November 16-19 free for some kind of party. The spokeswhore confirms this, --"All those details are correct, proper security measures are being taken.”

He also confirmed that they will marry in Italy and she will wear Giorgio Armani. Giorgio said, "When I am asked by a friend to make a wedding wardrobe, it goes straight to my heart. It really is an honor to play a small role in that milestone moment."

We all need to find our local bomb shelters; because this is the day the aliens will plummet from the sky and reclaim their planet. Suri will be the new leader of the World and we will all be doomed. This is also the day that Katie Holmes has officially sold her soul.

P.S. – Pictures of cats are much more entertaining than pics of their crazy mugs.

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