TomKat

Let's just blame the costume department, the wig master and the three grilled cheese sandwiches I just swallowed in a row for why Stepford Katie sort of looks like Jacqueline Kennedy. Let's just go with that.

Here's Stepford Katie and Greg Kinnear (as JFK) filming the assassination scene in The Kennedys mini-series this afternoon in Toronto. Hopefully, Erykah Badu got down to her nekkid suit and ran in front of the cameras at one point.

And in Tommy Girl's precious head BFFs stands for Butt Fucking Friends. Anyways, Zac Efron recently told Details Magazine about how he went to Tommy Girl's house for a "motorcycle date" and the two bonded over black leather and bruised inner thighs. Well, now the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) is saying that since that date the two have talked on the phone several times.

A source type says that Tommy and Zac are quickly becoming best homegirls, “Tom and Zac clicked the minute they met. Since then, the two stars have talked by phone several times a week. Zac is hungry to make the transition from teenage idol to movie superstar – and he’s using Tom’s career as a template for success. And Tom’s using Zac because he’s desperate to connect with a younger audience."

You know those phone conversations are a mess! Tommy probably makes Zac read a chapter from Dianaetics in his "romantic leading man" voice. Every few minutes, Zac stops and asks Tommy why does it sound like he's pushing a toilet plunger into a bowl of extra creamy peanut butter. Don't ever ask that again, Zac!

Seriously, Zac just needs to quietly tip toe out of the Scientology sauna before Tommy starts sending him friendship cocklets and a broken heart pendant to hang at the end of his butt plug. Zac is as innocent as a baby lamb whose parents don't have cable, so try not to laugh if you see him wearing that friendship cocklet on his wrist.

Stepford Katie tells New York Magazine that 4-year-old Suri Cruise will probably replace Tim Gunn as the mentor on Project Runway next season, because she isn't afraid to give you the up and down if you're dressed like fug shit.

"I grew up the youngest of five, so there were a lot of hand-me-downs that I would sort of change up. And Suri and I do that now with her clothes. Or rather, she does it. She says, 'I want this sleeve cut,' and it’s like, 'Okay, we’ll cut it.' She picks out all of her own clothes and has since she was 1½. Tom and I went to the Met ball a couple of years ago, and I had this beautiful red gown and these royal-blue shoes that I wasn’t planning on wearing, but Suri made me put them on and so I was like, 'Okay, I trust you.'

But seriously, Suri needs to take classes at Parsons or some shit, because Katie always looks like....well...like she's been dressed by a toddler. Unless Suri dresses her like that on purpose just to fuck with her. That's probably the case. Suri is only around those two ass drips all day, so she has to entertain herself somehow.

And Stepford Katie also confirmed that Suri's the one holding the whip in that family.

"We have quite a schedule, you know? We don't say, 'When I'm working, you don't work,' or anything like that. Last year he was shooting Knight and Day and I was shooting The Romantics, and we'd just fly to see each other after we wrapped. And we homeschool Suri--she has a teacher (aka L. Ron Hubbard's hologram) who is with her every day. We like the one-on-one education. I'm happy that my daughter is strong-willed and determined. You really have to go with what the child is wanting."

Cameron "I'm Always Traveling For Cock" Diaz thinks that some of us grow up believing that we will all meet that one person we will want to spend the rest of our days with. That one person who will give you the awwws in the heart during your first kiss, and will still give you the awwws in the heart 60 years later when they accidentally shit in the bed. Cameron really isn't into that mess, and says that maybe we should be on the hunt for a bitch to fuck for the next 5 years instead of 80 years. If Cameron said "5 days," she would've mouth farted the new ho shit motto!

Cameron tells Stylist Magazine (via USA Today), "I think the big misconception in our society is that we're supposed to meet the one when we're 18 and we're supposed to get married to them and love them for the rest of our lives.Who would want to be with the same person for 80 years? Why not break it up a little bit? ... Have someone for five years and another person for another five years. Life is long and lucky and yes, love might last forever, but you don't always live with the person you love forever.""

It's true that the only thing that wants to spend the rest of its life with Cameron Diaz is a bottle of Proactiv, but maybe the trick has a point. We're in the Golden Age of WHORES (YAY!!!), so it doesn't take much for us to get thirsty for another set of genitals. Is there really a peen or poon out there that you'll still want to lick on in 30 years like it's a scoop of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Thrifty's?

I would tell CHERYL BURKE that she's the most luxurious mop in the bucket if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper agreed to flash his Vanderballs at me. But do I really want to look at Mah Boo's peen for 80 damn years?.........Wait....Where was I? My train of thought just crashed into a field of silver and I'm not getting back on.

Here's Cameron Diaz with Tommy Girl at the London premiere of Knight & Gay last night. Look at Tommy stand on his tippy toes in his platform heels! Stretch, girl, streeeeeetch...

Because Suri's friendship situation is important news, here she is talking to another kid who hasn't been pre-programmed by Tommy Girl (OR HAS SHE?!!!). Suri's new best friend forever plays Stepford Katie's daughter in that Kennedy miniseries for The History Channel. This is Suri's out! Suri is telepathically telling her new friend: "So you know how to drive a 5-speed, right? Meet me in the front in an hour..."

Here's a few more pictures of Stepford Katie running around by herself while the kids laugh at her.

Whatever you do, do not stare directly into Katie's Scientolotoe. EYES UP or we might have to call security later when you start jumping on the yellow sofa.

You can tell me that I've been drinking massive amounts of Kool-Aid spiked with barley water, but I have to admit that...um...errrr...um...well.. Katie Holmes does kind of sort of look like Jackie O. Trust me, I'm screaming "Jackie Xenooooo" in my head while typing this mess.

If you beat yourself in the head with an E-Meter a few times and squint your eyes like Tommy Girl getting triple fisted, you sort of see it, right? Oh fuckit. Let's just say she looks more like Rosie O'Donnell in The Flintstones after spending three weeks detoxing in a Scientology sauna. It's better that way.

Here's more of Stepford Katie wearing one of her old pillow bumps on the Toronto set of The Kennedys with Greg Kinnear, Suri and Charlie Brown in a wig Isabella Cruise.

Remember once upon a time two summers ago when we woke up every morning wondering what 90s pop song would fill our heads once we looked at the daily pictures of Stepford Katie shuffling all weepy-like to rehearsal in her rolled-up jeans? We'd point and hahaha at her ass for being a try-hard asshole who was failing at trying to make rolled-up jeans happen. And then we'd secretly run into our bedroom, roll up our jeans, put on a BOSS sweater and dance around to an A'Me Lorain song (now whistle). Just ignore that last part if that's not how you remember it.

Well, Stepford Katie is now trying to turn summer '10 into the season of flared jeans! Do not give in! If you flare out, the aliens have won! Alright, maybe the ho is not trying to make them happen, but I just really wanted to make an A'Me Lorain reference. Besides, Katie is probably only flaring out, because she's smuggling Tommy Girl in one of her jean legs. Tommy had a breakout of genital warts on his mouth, so he's not camera fresh ready.

Here's more of Stepford Katie arriving in NYC today and also at the premiere of The Extra Man with Kevin Kline and Paul Dano. I just swallowed an entire plate of cheese fries, so I'll be nice and say that Stepford Katie doesn't totally look like she's trying to bring new meaning to the word haggard. ......Although, bitch should bury those shoes under Plymouth Rock. And she should also give that Fourth of July dress back to the Bush family member she stole it from. Okay, maybe I need to eat another plate of cheese fries.

You know Tommy Girl can gets an extra warm tingle in his taint when he watches Katie Holmes in full Stepford drag washing his daisy chains and anal beads in soapy water like the perfect little homemaker. But that's not why Stepford Katie looks like this. Katie is playing Jackie O in a new History Channel mini-series on the Kennedy family. Go ahead and scream out the window "Jackie OHFUCKNOOOOOOOOOOO" while I wait here.

Personally, I'd rather see a movie with Suri Cruise as Jackie O. This will never happen, though. Suri has it in her life contract with Tommy that she is to never EVER walk more than 5 steps a day. I'm with Suri. Walking is really fucking annoying.

It's a gay! It's a loon! It's both of those things, because the gay alien elfling that is Tommy Girl ziplined over Hollywood Blvd. yesterday afternoon with Jimmy Kimmel for a segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live!.

Hopefully, Tommy Girl tripled up on his chonies, because you know his Scientolohole was slobbering more than a Mastiff with heatstroke. Tommy was getting off on the fact that he was taller than everyone and he didn't even have to stuff toilet rolls into his high-heeled boots. And Tommy also got a shot of happiness to his crotch, because he was just a little bit closer to Xenu. You go, Girl Coco!

Suri Cruise must have been away from her post at the front door of the spaceship yesterday when Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie slipped out looking like a Miller's Outpost circa 1978 died on top of their bodies, because she would've never ever let them go out like this. Suri definitely would've made a few changes.

Katie shouldn't be the one wearing those 70s mom jeans. They belong on Tommy! I mean, those jeans are so long that the waistband would slip right over Tommy's titties. Aren't you puckering from every hole just thinking about Tommy strutting his shit in a denim tube top jumpsuit while wearing those heels?! He's so YOO HOO is right!