TomKat

Unflattering pictures of Jennifer Aniston leaving a Mexican restaurant after swallowing tequila shots and tortilla balls were not available for OK Magazine's "YES, SHE'S PREGNANT" cover, so they went with Katie Holmes instead. Stepford Katie's rep has already blamed Photoshop wizardry on the reason why there are pictures of her with audit bloat, but OK's source say that she's lying and she really is pregnant with Suri's next torture victim.

This source says that Katie is telling her friends she's knocked up and is going to wait a little while longer before she makes the news public. One her friends told OK!, “She said she’s finally past the morning sickness phase. She was talking a mile a minute. She’s so excited.”

OK! really wants me to believe that between shooting movies and taking Suri for her daily photo-op strolls, Tommy actually found the time to cum into a frozen turkey baster (shoved gently up a male hustler's ass, of course) and then present it to an L. Ron Hubbard hologram in a lavish Scientology mating ritual? Yeah, no. It's not in the contract. I'll believe it when I see Katie shopping for tiny clothes at the tiny people store. Actually, scratch that, she could be shopping for her husband. I'll really believe it when I see Suri moving her shit into the guest cottage, because she's not going to let some screeching brat ruin her beauty sleep.

Tommy Girl's butt plugs & lifts fund is about to get filled with a handful of coins from American Media Inc., because the publisher has settled the $50 million defamation lawsuit Stepford Katie brought against them after Star insinuated she was an audit-addicted LRonHubbardhead.

Back in January, Star published a photo of Katie looking like the Russian bread alien and said that she's stumbling all over the place due to the constant Scientology audits she has to undergo. Katie and her lawyers at Larry. H Xenu immediately dropped a lawsuit on Star. Fast forward to today! Above Star's cover story on the third coming of Vanilla Gorilla's foolery, they issued an apology headline as well as this little note inside:

In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.

Suri Cruise can now afford to buy the pink diamond and swan skull Louboutins she's had her eye on for months, so this is good news. But it's still funny to me that out of all the things Katie Holmes has been accused of being, it's "drug addict" that snaps her into action.

Meanwhile, a junkie is injecting dirty heroin into their eyeballs while lying in a bath tub full of ice after trading their kidney in for a quick fix and thinking to themselves, "It could be worse. I could be married to Tom Cruise."

via Cover Awards

Or maybe she's doing her "bring down the house" impersonation of Mr. Magoo. Nope.

Suri Salt is definitely mad and singing out "I Want It Now" with her eyes. This is why I don't want kids, but it's also the reason why I love kids. They just don't give one simple fuck and will throw a full body, anxiety-summoning tantrum wherever and whenever. Suri Cruise had one of those when she was carried out of Il Cantonrini in NYC last night. Suri threw the same mean mug Tommy Girl throws at his shoemaker when his platform heels aren't high enough. Suri is delivering a death eye that even Dionne Warwick would skee-daddle from.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes and Tommy handled the situation by doing Scientology breathing exercises (aka put on a manufactured faux smile and remain clueless).

I'm not sure why Suri was mad. It could've been because of all the flashes, but then again it might have something to do with those pink UGGs on her feet again. When in doubt, blame UGGs.

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn't making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn't bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn't want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says "penis" out loud, there's a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here's what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

"Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don't need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she's going to say, what is this? And I really didn't want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I'm giving her those gummies."

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It's not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her "the talk" right there. It's an honest mistake.

Let's not focus on the fact that Rob Lowe's hair is giving me flashes of Justin Bieber's sophomore mop. Let's redirect on our energy on the fact that it's been a while since we've seen Rob Lowe's nipples and barely there patch of chest fur in a magazine. So take off your pants and get your horny out like it's the night before the Democratic National Convention. But Rob isn't only on the cover of Vanity Fair so that you can get reacquainted with his happy trail and bust out a reunited scoot on this picture. Ro Blow is also peddling an autobiography called "Stories I Only Tell My Friends." Rob read a few passages for VF's podcast and included a couple of stories about shooting The Outsiders with Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen. And guess what? Our Tommy Girl was always as methodical as a serial killing robot with OCD. From Vanity Fair:

During the first round of auditions in Los Angeles, Lowe writes of meeting Tom Cruise, then a houseguest of the Sheens: “He’s open, friendly, funny, and has an almost robotic, bloodless focus and an intensity that I’ve never encountered before.” In New York for the second round of auditions, Lowe finds that Cruise is “already showing traits that will make him famous; he’s zeroed in like a laser.” “We check into the Plaza Hotel. I am taken aback at the luxury and spectacle of the lobby…. The front desk tells us we will be sharing rooms,” Lowe writes of the actors’ arrival in the Big Apple. “In a flash, Cruise is on the phone to his agent, Paula Wagner. ‘Paula, they are making us share,’ he says…. The rest of us are staggering around like happy goofs….. ‘O.K., then. Thank you very much,’ he says like a 50-year-old businessman getting off the phone with his stockbroker. ‘Paula says it’s fine.’ ”

Lowe remembers hanging out with Cruise and the other actors in a gymnasium on set, when Patrick Swayze—who, Lowe writes, “makes Tom Cruise look lobotomized”—“begins to teach us a standing backflip…. When it comes to flips, I’m a pussy. I don’t flip. I don’t even dive into a pool—straight cannonball for me…. No, thanks. Cruise, not surprisingly, is all over it. ‘How about this!’ he says, almost pulling it off without even being spotted. He wipes out, but tries it again immediately.”

Tommy is even careful about how he spends his ass orgasms!!! Tommy called up Paula to make sure that he was in fact sharing a fancy hotel room with a bunch of hot pieces of man meat. Once Paula confirmed this by transmitting an updated patch into his hard-drive through the phone lines, Tommy then allowed himself to bust a butt nut in his Underoos.

Now that we've gotten that TG tidbit out of the way, you can go back to gazing into Rob Lowe's nips. No one is looking so go ahead and brush Rob's pixel nips with your eyelashes. If someone does catch you, just tell them that you're using your God given natural dusters to dust your monitor.

Connor Cruise is really wishing that the Scientology gift shop sold super absorbent pads to slip under thetan-resistant g-strings, because he knows that his nose will be stuck to the AC vent on the SUV ride home now that Tommy Girl locked eyes and awkwardly touched hands Becks at the Lakers game in L.A. yesterday. As David Beckham's vocal cords whistled out tales of Posh's pregnancy cravings for ice cream fumes and diluted pickle water, Tommy Girl's Scientolohole blew out massive amounts of prostate pudding while thinking about how he'd like to audit Becks' nipples with his tongue. And Connor isn't the only one who wished that he had a mute button for his senses....

Poor Suri probably didn't get a wink of beauty sleep last night. Tommy Girl skipped into his boudoir, flopped on his canopy bed and sang out "I Could've Creamed All Night" while his man slaves dressed him in an assless onesie for bedtime. Hopefully, Suri punished Tommy by "accidentally" dropping her open barley water bottle on the hand that Becks touched. The hand that Tommy swore he would only wash in Becks' saliva. If you hear a high-pitched "WHY?!!!!" shooting out of Tommy's dungeon this morning, you know it's not coming from Katie Holmes for a change.

No, this picture was not taken at the Scientology gift shop. It was taken a little after midnight today at Serendipity 3 in NYC. Stepford Katie's internal screensaver (Tommy Girl slow dipping an L. Ron Hubbard hologram on a loop) must've kicked in before this picture was taken, because she has no idea that little Suri is holding a box of PENIS GUMMIES. And Katie's head stayed in a state of hazy cluelessness for the rest of the night, because a rep for Serendipity tells the Daily Mail that one of Suri's slaves paid for the box of fruity flaccid peens before they left.

You know, I'm still waiting for the moment when Yoko Ono takes off her Suri Cruise suit and reveals that this has all been part of an elaborate performance art piece. The high-heels. The pacifier addiction. The Penis Gummies. Even Noah Cyrus is saying, "....too much...too much."

And yes, Serendipity (more like Serendickity) sells dick candies. Save me a place in line.

When I was in the third grade, my dentist kindly took my mother aside and told her that if I didn't stop sucking my thumb like its pores secreted Pixy Stix sugar, my mouth would look like a weathered piece of wood with rusty crooked nails stuck in it. Like a horse who just sucked off a chainsaw. Just all kinds of fucked up. And I had it bad too. I used to sneak in a quick thumb suck under my desk when nobody was looking and ask to go to the bathroom so I could suck some more (insert your "some things STILL never change" joke here). But I agreed to work on my thumb sucking addiction when my mother told me that it would affect my future social life and I'd have to use a map to brush my teeth. They give me a golf glove to wear and I was cured a week later! So because of this, I feel like I can't fully judge Suri Cruise for still using a pacifier at the age of 4.

Who cares if she's dressed like Charlotte from Sex and the City and has a binky in her mouth?! Who cares if she probably replaces that pacifier with a bottle when she gets home?! Who cares if she's going to have summer teeth (summer pointing to the side, summer pointing down...)?! Who cares if she's going to be that girl in high school with 8 inch stilettos on her feet and a diamond encrusted Cartier pacifier in her mouth?!

Stepford Katie doesn't give a Tommy Girl jizz dingle so why should we? Although, she probably doesn't notice since the words "WHY ME!?" that constantly flash in her eyes block most of her view.

That being said, Suri needs to design her outfits around that pacifier. Suri should get some wide leg JNCO jeans, a Cookie Monster t-shirt, candy bead necklaces and some Muppet fur platform boots. RAVER SURI!

Here's more of Raver Suri with her two assistants (including Katie) in Vancouver yesterday afternoon.

On this old Star Magazine cover of Stepford Katie looking like she just got a glimpse Tommy Girl's volcano-shaped butt plug in the dishwasher before breakfast, they declare that she's a junked out drug addict who is injecting barley stew between her toes. Well, actually they don't really say any of that. The inside story speculates that Katie might be getting higher than John Travolta's in-the-air ass during an orgy from Scientology audits. One source says they got addicted to auditing and it made them feel like a heroin addict. So Star never comes out and says that Katie is an audithead, they only speculate it. It's sort of like the time I bit into a Twinkie only to find that it had no cream in it. The factory fucked up. It's a true story that still affects me whenever I'm about to put my teeth on one of Hostess' peen cakes.

Katie filed a $50 million lawsuit today against American Media, the company that owns Star, for defaming her good name and alleging on their cover that she has a substance abuse problem. Katie's lawyer issued this statement to Reuters:

"Star Magazine's malicious claims about Katie are untrue, unethical and unlawful. Not only do they cruelly defame Katie, they play a cheap trick on the public, making ridiculously false claims on the cover unsupported by anything inside.

Someone should bring a class action to get all buyers their money back."

Katie's lawyer said that Star refused to take their story back and apologize. American Media on the other hand, says they are ready for a fight and can't wait to hear what Katie has to say in court about Scientology audits.

As we all raise our fists and scream, "US TOO!" Seriously, I hope they sell tickets to that trial and hand out bags of popped barley in the lobby. But we all know it's not going to come to that. Let's not be glib. Tommy Girl will leak Star a picture of John Travolta without his crotch merkin on in exchange for a settlement and a "we're so sorry" blurb that will be published on the back page with the crossword puzzle.

And the only drug Katie Holmes is on is a drug called Tommy Girl (copyright: Warlock Tiger Blood).

Here's a few pictures of Katie and Suri doing stuff in Vancouver yesterday. I'm temporarily ignoring those UGGS because I'm more traumatized by Suri's "I wish you into the volcano" stare.

The History Channel told the 8-hour long Kennedys mini-series to eff off after Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver threatened to sic the NOT THE ONE spirit of Little Edie on them. The soil in Jacqueline Onassis' grave remained untilled....until now. Several networks including Showtime shut down the Kennedys biopic starring Greg Kinnear and Katie Holmes, but something called a ReelzChannel has breathed life into it and will air the $30 million series this April. Just in time for April Fool's! The CEO of this ReelzChannel place had this to say to People:

"We don’t enjoy controversy or want to pick a fight, but the history is the history. When you watch this, there are incredible successes and unbelievable tragedies. The family stays together and they're loyal to each other and to the country throughout the highest highs and the lowest lows.

The cast put their heart and soul into this, and with great care to accuracy of circumstances and visuals. We're so thrilled and proud of being able to step up and help this story be told that they so carefully created."

It was either ReelzChannel, or the producers were going to dub it in Spanish, add a few face slaps and "LAGARTES" and sell it to Telemundo for a box of chicles.

And no, I still don't know what a ReelzChannel is. Maybe I stumbled onto it one night and we never exchanged names, but I have until April to find it again!