TomKat

Tommy Girl bounced around NYC yesterday in some truly sexy platform sneakers while Vanessa Hudgens' "Sneakernight" played in his head. "Oh, put your sneakers on! Oh, let’s go all night long!"

Tommy looks like a middle-aged horny nurse off the night-shift and ready to get her pussy tended to. I'm probably not far off with my assumptions. For real though, when is Tommy going to stop playing games and finally wear his exquisite lucite heels out in public. You know he probably has a collection that rivals the Empress of Lucite's. He wears them around his Scientology sex dungeon. They make him feel like the statuesque vixen he is inside.

After Tommy finished working it in his sneakers on the streets of Manhattan, he took Suri to the Build-A-Bear Workshop. Awww....isn't that sweet? Now they have matching toy bears! Maybe Tommy's pet bear, John Travolta, and Suri's new bear can have a tea party together. Although, Johnny should probably leave the butt plug at home when he comes over for their playdate.

The little robot with the stupid jeans started previews in "All My Sons" on Broadway yesterday and was welcomed by a few friends! Around 20 members of the anti-Scientology group, Anonymous, protested outside of the theater. Some of them wore "V for Vendetta" masks while shouting "SAVE KATIE!"

They said they were not there to boycott Katie or the play. "We are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

Damn. It follows you home alright. Those are some brave bitches. I would have worn more than a mask. I would have worn a full suit of armor and protected myself with a vial of truth serum. Those Scientology types hate that shit! Seriously, Tommy Girl probably used his beady alien eyes to memorize the faces and hands of all of the hos raining on his alien parade. They better carry around that truth serum wherever they go or their faces might end up on a milk carton. That's why I always blog from a bomb shelter covered in pictures of vaginas. If Tommy Girl sees a vagina, he runs the other way. You can never be too safe.

Fox News' Roger Friedman reports that last night's first performance was all about Tommy. When he walked into the theater, everyone clapped for his stupid ass. During the performance, Tommy cheered like it was one of his kids' soccer games. Or like he was at one of his gay alien orgies. "Go Johnny! Ride that ass! You go gurrrrrl! Werrrk it." Okay, I'm making myself sick.

Tommy also waved and bowed at the audience like he was the star of the show. Somebody really needs to pull that butt plug out of his ass and shove it down his throat. I'm surprised he didn't jump on the stage during curtain call with Suri in his arms. He's probably saving that shit for opening night.

Here's some pictures of Katie on stage with Dianne Wiest and also after the show. Stepford Katie sort of looks normal on stage, but the minute she grabs Tommy's hand, she turns into a brainwashed middle-aged house frau with a vitamin deficiency. And will Tommy just start wearing stilettos already?

You are witnessing Tommy Girl and his Stepford wife awkwardly holding each other the first time in days. They save these precious moments for when dozens of paparazzi are around. This is about as passionate as a boiled turnip laying in a pile of crusty oatmeal. I've hugged my always constipated accountant with more affection. Seriously, he's always constipated and lets me know about it. Imagine hugging someone you know is having trouble taking a dump. Exactly. It's still sexier than Tommy Girl uncomfortably embracing Stepford Katie.

You can tell that Tommy Girl is totally "ewwwwwing' inside at the thought of getting that close to a vagina owner. He's trying to picture E.T.'s head on David Beckham's oiled-up body. Obviously, it didn't work.

Here's more of these two alien dykes failing at fooling all of us while leaving Katie's dress rehearsal for "All My Sons." And you know John Travolta is getting off on Tommy Girl's barley sweat stained pits. He likes to lick......I'll stop.

The good hos at Gawker have pointed out that Katie Holmes' latest "look at me" jeans were obviously made to be worn at a RaVe. I have to agree. All she's fucking missing is a pacifier, glowsticks, dozens of beaded bracelets and a Cookie Monster backpack. Been there, done that. I'm surprised I still have my hearing after spending hours with my ear pressed up against the speaker, trying to "roll" with the bass. So fucking stupid.

Anyexctasy, here's Stepford Katie shuffling around NYC today. I'd rather she go back to tight-rolling her shit. And I think Tommy Girl is hiding in her bag.

Nicky Kidman, Jenny Garner and Tommy Girl are laughing all the way to the bank and they don't even deserve it. Forbes put out their annual list of the 10 Most Overpaid Movie Whores in Hollywood and these three topped the list.

Forbes came up with the top 10 by looking at the ho's last three major movies. They didn't count supporting roles, limited releases or movies where the ho got paid less than $5 million. They compared the whore's salary with the movie's profits (if there were any).

Not surprisingly, the box office poison queen, Nicky Kidman, was numero uno. I think she injects some of that poison into her forehead.

Here's Forbes top 10:

1 - Nicky Kidman - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $1 of gross income.
2. Jennifer Garner - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $3.60 of gross income.
3. Tommy Girl - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
4. Pizza Face Diaz - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4 of gross income.
5. JLo - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.10 of gross income.
6. Jim Carrey - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.11 of gross income.
7. Nic Cage - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.16 of gross income.
8. Drew Barrymore - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.38 of gross income.
9. Will Ferrell - For every dollar he was paid, his movies averaged $4.67 of gross income.
10. Cate Blanchett - For every dollar she was paid, her movies averaged $4.97 of gross income.

They should have done a Most Deserving list instead. There would only be 3 bitches on that list: Marie (aka Snobby Salesperson #2) from Pretty Woman, Chuck Norris (he would end me with his cold stare if I left him out) and Otis from Milo & Otis.

What did John Lithgow wear to rehearsal today? You know, he is the star of that play Stepford Katie is in. I've been posting pictures of her tattered robot ass every day, so I thought I'd give John a bit of attention. He sort of looks like Santey Claus on summer vacation in Florida. He's so cheery! I bet John always has peppermint sticks on him and giggles like an Elmo doll when you poke his belly.

And because I have to, here's some pictures of the weepy robot shuffling into rehearsal wearing Tommy Girl's Sunday afternoon dustin' dress!

Tim Gunn just doesn't understand what Katie Holmes' tight-rolled jeans are all about. Yesterday, he told People Magazine, “I have to say, Katie Holmes has become so much more sophisticated in so many ways, but I think she’s in a dip right now. I can’t explain it.” I can explain it. Two words: BARLEY WATER. And Katie isn't the only one in a dip. Tommy Girl is probably in a dip right now. A dip who starred in "Urban Cowboy."

Timmy went on to say, “She ascended from this tomboyish waif look to an incredible sexy sophisticate. We realize how much style she’s capable of. I don’t get it.” I'm so glad he didn't say "make it work" once during that statement.

Tommy Girl's sad clone didn't wear her pegged jeans today, but she looks still looks raggedy. It's over 80 degrees in NYC today! Her CPU cooling system must be working overtime.

It's only a matter of time before we see Suri Cruise wearing matching jeans and sneakers. She can just borrow Tommy Girl's Bugle Boys. Their practically the same size. Seriously, is this some Scientology uniform or something? Alien jeans!

These two never fail to creep me the fuck out. They give me throat palpitations. And Tommy might as well as wear his seven-inch platform pink patent leather boots (you know he has some) because his lifts aren't very subtle.

Here they are whoring themselves out for some pap attention in NYC last night. They are always dragging Suri out at night. She wants to be at home watching "Small Wonder," not bouncing around town with these two freaks.

They came in from the night...........

Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes were out in NYC to see "South Pacific" at Lincoln Center last night. Don't ask me which alien robot is which. They are morphing into each other. It's only a matter of time before Stepford Katie is running around in platform sneakers, jumping on sofas, shouting "GLIB," and sniffing at Becks' crotch every chance she gets. It's fucking creepy. They probably have to wear name tags around the house because Suri gets confused all the time and calls Tommy Girl "momma" from time to time. Although, that's what John Travolta usually calls him so it works out.

Speaking of Suri, homegirl is probably covering her ears this morning, because Tommy Girl is prancing around singing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" after watching South Pacific last night.

Here's more of Tommy Girl and his elderly alien robot doppelganger wearing their sunglasses at night. And do you think that when Tommy lets go of Katie's hand, an alien cries? Probably.

Lately I've been laying low on my coverage of The Katie Holmes Denim Watch '08. Not because I don't care, but because my obsession was getting out of hand. I knew I needed to back off when I actually took an old pair of jeans out of my closet and rolled them up. Staring back at me in the mirror was a homo who had gone over the edge. I was so close to committing an ultimate sin by going out in public like that. If you ever see me outside with pegged jeans, take a chainsaw to my ankles. I will probably call you a "stupid cunt" while clutching my bloody feet, but I'll thank you later with a sugar cookie and a Crisco handjob.

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Stepford Katie arriving at rehearsals this morning. I'm sort of getting Boy George circia 1984 vibes from this total look. She should have gone all the way. Her face could use a couple of pounds of spray painted make-up. It might not make her look like she's just seen a monster. Oh wait. She might have just walked in on Tommy Girl giving himself a barley water enema.

I've also thrown in some pictures of Katie leaving rehearsal yesterday. Please don't tell me her bump is growing.....