Tom Cruise

Tommy Girl's titties are sitting up real nice in that turtleneck and that dude in the glasses definitely agrees with me. He is taken with Tommy's titty game and then some.

Tommy has never been accused of being the sharpest tool in the shed, but at last night's Hollywood premiere of Oblivion, everybody accused him of being the sharpest bitch on the carpet. Turtlenecks are just crew neck sweaters with foreskin, so course Tommy worked that top like the alien invasion is coming and this is the last time we'll ever see him. I hope Tommy doubled up on panties last night, because you know he was squirting out barley nectar just from thinking about how he had wool foreskin around his neck. I don't know if it's the uncut peen sweater or if he put an extra pair of lifts in his shoes, but he almost looks statuesque. Work it till those Thetans gag on your fabulousness, bitch.

And here's Melissa Leo and Olga Kurylenko trying to out-glamour Tommy last night. (They failed.)

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl's mouth and he said that he didn't see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he's a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

"I did not expect that. [I've had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that's what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor."

What sense of humor? I thought bitch's Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy's head isn't up his own ass, it's up Xenu's ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology's mottos, "When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!"

The Hollywood Reporter posted another piece from Pulitzer Prize winning author Lawrence Wright's book about Scientology and this one is 7 internet pages long and is all about Tommy Girl's relationship with Scientology's HBIC David Miscavige. What I've learned after reading that shit is that David's head is firmly up Tommy's ass and Tommy's head is firmly up David's ass. (Yes, I know that image is more terrifying than anything scene in The Human Centipede.) David worships Tommy and Tommy thinks David is the second coming. My skin is now covered in a thick layer of barf, because my Thetans are all vomming in unison.

Lawrence talked with several high ranking members of Sea Org including Mark Rathbun. Lawrence learned that David Miscavige is an egomaniacal muscle midget who spends up to $20,000 a week on fancy food, makes his staff polish the light bulbs in his mansion once a month, sleeps until noon and once told Tommy that he believes they are two of only a few "big beings" on the planet. Queen David also brags about how Tommy modeled his character in A Few Good Men on him.

Lawrence also learned that when Tommy was married to Nicole Kidman he started drifting away from Scientology a bit and Queen David blamed it all on Nicole. He saw Nicole as a gold digger who was faking Scientology and he nearly jizzed creamed Thetans from his butt when Tommy filed for divorce. But before Tommy filed for divorce, David did try to keep Tommy and Nicole together even though he didn't trust her ass. David found out that Tommy and Nicole had always wanted to run through a field of wildflowers (too easy), so he made SeaOrg members plant one at Gold Base, Scientology's desert compound near Hemet, CA. The field of wildflowers wasn't up to David's standards and so he ordered them to plow it and cover it with grass. Picky queen.

After Tommy and Nicole's marriage contract expired, he got into Scientology even more and quickly became one of the High Priestesses. Tommy wanted to talk to Prime Minister Tony Blair about declaring Scientology a tax-deductible charity organization in Britain and asked President Clinton to help him do this. Clinton sort of shrugged him off. Then when George W. Bush was President, Tommy  tried to convince the Secretary of Education at the time to include Scientology's "study tech" methods into the No Child Left Behind program. That led to Queen David and Tommy Girl having this hilariously delusional conversation while riding from the airport to Gold Base:

"Bush may be an idiot," Miscavige observed, "but I wouldn't mind his being our Constantine," referring to the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity.

Cruise agreed. "If fucking Arnold can be governor, I could be president."

Miscavige responded, "Well, absolutely, Tom."

(Cruise, through his lawyer, denies this exchange and says he has no political ambition.)

If Tommy Girl was President, there would be no sales tax on man heels, all anti-depressants would be turned into numbing butt lube, claiming a beard on your tax return would get you an extra deduction and Matt Lauer's citizenship would be revoked. Actually, I'd probably vote for Tommy based on that last one alone.

Here's America's future President with Rosamund Pike at the Jack Reacharound premiere in Tokyo.

All the queens over at In Touch must have been kiki-ing when they came up with that cover. That's some funny shit. Tom Cruise supposedly had a "wild night" with a lady in NYC on Dec. 18. "A source" (aka one of those crazed Scientology bitches who wears the sailor uniforms and keeps reluctant cultists in chains below deck on their big prison boat) says that Tom was "mesmerized" by restaurant manager and Jersey native Cynthia Jorge, 26. Tom ate at her joint, and that's when he randomly picked her to fake be into.

"She had her hair in a bun, wore tight black pants and looked gorgeous,” the source said. Tom wasn't "mesmerized," he was irritated as fuck because he knew his ass would look better in those tight black pants. Cruise and Cynthia went clubbing the next night, and Tom was supposedly rubbing his Xenu moistener on her. Uh huh. I don't buy this shit, either.

Less than 24 hours later, the duo — along with some friends — met up at Le Baron, where Cynthia huddled with Tom in a booth when he wasn’t pulling her out on the dance floor. “They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor,” a witness gushes. “Tom looked like a pro.”

And things weren’t totally G-rated. “At one point, they began grinding together,” the witness tells In Touch. “It was straight out of Dirty Dancing. Tom seemed to be in his own world, completely smitten.”

Miz Vida Boheme (aka Patrick Swayze) just threw a "girl, you no Johnny Castle" side-eye from Movie Star Heaven. We all realize that Tom was actually staring at the male bartender and wondering how not to vom as he felt Cynthia's titters rub against his chest, right? You would think a "wild night" would involve taking a girl home for fuck times. Nope. Despite being highly "enamored" of the "Jersey Katie Holmes" (© Michael K.), Tom called her a car. And then sashayed down to the Eagle in a ballcap and sunglasses to get his man-kitty punched.

Seriously, this closet case shit must be hard. You gotta pick up random sluts and take them salsa dancing? When all you really want to do is sit on dicks? And then you have to process them through your cult and remove all of the free will wiring from their brains? And then you gotta keep checking the GPS to make sure they don't run away? And at the same time, the only place you can have a dude sit on your face is in the Celebrity Center's "gym?"And that place reeks like expired lube and crazy! Lay your burdens down, Tom Cruise.