Teen Mom

Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, "I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end."

But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has no friends and has a sad a lot of the time:

"I have no relationships and I'm, like, sad sometimes. So taking all this into consideration, which some find it hard to, that's what brought me here today. I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me."

Thinking is hard, right, Farrah? I've seen Farrah's porn and the extras (I clearly don't have a life/hate myself) and while I agree with her that butt sex before a jizz facial is Mother Nature's Prozac, there's nothing happy about that video. James Deen's peen is al dente most of the time and he looks like he'd rather be mouth fucking an alligator. Getting butt boned by a dude who clearly hates you is totally chicken soup for the soul. (Read that as "chicken soup for the hole" if you need the perfect lunch time image.)

Feya Abraham goes on to yank dicks by saying that she hired a professional porn star, because she felt he wouldn't blab about it and her private sex tape would stay private. But then she says that James Deen started running his mouth, so she had no choice but to shop the tape to porn companies. Again, thinking isn't Farrah's strongest skill:

"I was under the belief this would help better protect me and my privacy. So I was like, 'If this guy's so professional and everything's going to be fine,' then I was like, 'I'm happy with this choice.' [But Deen] made it like his own thing and that's why I was like, 'You know what, let me be one step ahead and let me gain control of my own video again.' That's why I was meeting with different adult entertainment companies."

Farrah said that she's already put some of the money (more than six figures, she claims) away for her daughter's education and she's going to use the rest of the money to open "her restaurants." But she didn't want to get into her finances, because she's "private like that."

Yes, Farrah continues to think we're all as dumb in the brains as she is and don't know how porn works. But I will say that while watching eight fingers pull the missing sock I've been looking for out of her steak burrito cooch, I did think to myself, "She's got some talent!"

via Zap2It

Vivid released Teen Mom Farrah's "private" backdoor sex tape today and if the full video is anything like the 5-minute-long clip, then watching saliva dry on a white paper plate is more fap worthy than watching Farrah's concrete pyramid titties not move while James Deen humps her from the back. Farrah's soulless dead eyes say it all. I mean, that TV and speaker in the background have more sexual chemistry than Backdoor Ferret (typo and it stays) and James Deen have.

Farrah's acting skills are about as lifeless her titty cones, which I swear were filled with quick drying cement instead of silicone, because I don't think I saw them move once. When James Deen was hitting it from the front, I expected him to pull out orange halves to make orange juice on her rock hard cone tits. You could break blocks of ice on those tits.

Farrah says "cock" and "baby" in her annoying voice so many times that by the end of the clip, I wanted to poke out my ear drums with her pointy tits.

If you really want to see Farrah lazily blow James' soft peen like she's brushing her teeth at the end of a long day and squirt (WHY!!!?) after doing herself with a glass dildo in the back of a limo, then put on your NSFW head mask and (NSFW) click here to see the 5 minute clip and go to Drunken Stepfather to see the clip of Backdoor Ferret squirting.

And Farrah is still trying to make us think it was a private sex tape:

I don't even have the strength to respond to that, because I'm still traumatized from hearing Backdoor Ferret say, "Was my ass tight, baby?"

With all that being, Backdoor Ferret got almost $1 million for boning and the only thing I get after boning is directions to the front door.

The extremely private "sex tape" that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who's probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn't a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It's really a foolproof plan since the world's biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.

TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I'm guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they're calling it "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom."

Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she's going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer's Eve, because if that isn't a douche ad I don't know what is. Summer's Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don't want no poop noodle!

And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.

If I listed all the illegal and dumb stuff that Teen Mom Jenelle has done in the past couple of years, this post would be 8,000 words long and by the end of it, we'd all want to become pro-sterilization activists. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 was back in front of the mug shot camera today in North Carolina after police busted her for possession of her drug of choice, heroin, and for beating her husband, Courtland Rogers, with a piece of furniture. Courtland was also arrested for punching Jenelle in the head and for being in possession of heroin. TMZ says that when the police showed up to Jenelle's house after getting a call about a domestic disturbance, they found 12 bags of heroin, a glass pipe, plastic wrapping papers and illegal Percocet.

Since Jenelle and Courtland both denied that the heroin was theirs, they were both charged with possession with intent to sell. While the cops were there, they served Jenelle with a warrant for not paying child support. Jenelle's mom currently has custody of her kid.

One of Jenelle's friends tells Radar that she was set up by her husband and all of the heroin belonged to him. This friend might be speaking the truth, because Jenelle tweeted this 8 hours ago and she'd never tell a lie!

I'm doing great. Eating healthy. My weight is back to normal. I take Multivitamins daily and melatonin at night and I'm SOBER!

Bitch has a funny way of spelling "heroin" and "Percocet."

Well, the way that I see is if Jenelle ever stops being a bona fide wreck and gets sober, she can say that the whole "Ke$hit is the air I breathe" speech that she shat out of her mouth was the result of her being all the way high on heroin. We'd all just nod our heads, because that would make so much sense.

Last week, Teen Mom Farrah went on Dr. Phil and she was such a delusional mound of dumb that she made Dr. Phil look like an honest, reasonable and intelligent human being by comparison. And yesterday, Teen Mom Farrah almost made Teen Mom Jenelle look like the better parent (I say "almost" because that "Ke$hit is my idol" thing is unforgivable) when she brought her 3-year-old daughter to her sex tape negotiations. Yes, that's inappropriate as shit, but maybe Teen Mom Farrah brought her kid, because she realized that she's dumber than dumb and a 3-year-old is better at negotiating than she is. Although, that's not saying much since the tonsil stone I just coughed up is probably a better negotiator than Farrah.

TMZ caught (read: Farrah called them) Teen Mom Farrah going into Vivid's offices in Studio City, CA yesterday to find out how much they're going to pay her for the video of her getting it from James Deen's small peen (her stupid ass words, not mine). Farrah told TMZ that she's gotten so much positive feedback from the video and she's looking at several offers. Farrah brought her dad and daughter to the meeting, because she needed their support.

Steve Hirsch, the head bitch of Vivid, told TMZ that yeah he thought it was weird that Farrah brought her kid, but the little girl was coloring in the waiting room while Farrah was in the meeting with her dad.

Call me a damn prude, but when I'm in the offices of a porn studio and telling them that I'm going to need an extra $50,000 if they're going to use the shot of James Deen busting one on my eyelids, the last thing I want to see is my dad nodding at me like, "Yeah, you tell them!" But that's just me.

And I hate Steve Hirsch for saying that the gorgeous Tan Mom doesn't have a face for porn, but I hate Teen Mom Farrah more for making Steve Hirsch look like the voice of reason.

Here's Teen Mom Farrah wearing your auntie's favorite yard sale hunting cap at LAX on Saturday.

Since murdering eardrums and showing off her new face on InTouch didn't get Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom enough attention, she's gone full shameless fame whore by pretending that the porn she made with porn star James Deen is a private sex tape that she doesn't want to get out. Don't you hate it when the planned fuck tape you made with a porn star in a studio while surrounded by two cameramen, three fluffers, a director and an  entire crew GETS leaked onto the internet? That's the worst.

Earlier today, TMZ said that a sex tape starring Farrah's post-op Gargamel-looking ass was up for sale and Vivid was going to make an offer for it. They "caught" Farrah shopping for panties at Agent Provocateur in L.A. yesterday afternoon and they asked her about it. Farrah sort of denied it and then a few minutes later her last tattered brain cell tore in two when she tried to figure out what the word "elaborate" means. TMZ has the video of the silicone implant in Farrah's head exploding when their cameradude used a 3rd grade word around her, but if you don't feel like looking at her confused plastic face, here's the transcript:

TMZ: So, Farrah, can you elaborate a little bit on what we spoke about earlier?

Farrah: A library?

TMZ: No, "elaborate."

Farrah: E-lab-or-ate? Who are you and why are you asking me about a tape?

TMZ: Have you heard about this, though? That you have a sex tape that's out, that's being shopped around right now?

Farrah: I don't know. You know what? There should be no tape and if they're shopping it around, my lawyer's going to talk about that.

TMZ: Can you confirm its existence?

Farrah: I don't exist anything about that. I don't know what you're talking about. Personally that is going to make me upset, so I don't know why you would ask me about it.

TMZ: We have sources that say that they've seen the tape and it's an hour long.

Farrah: Who's your source? You know what? I think it's made up. People make shit up all the time.

TMZ: This could be advantageous to your career. A lot of young starlets get their start from these things.

Farrah: I'm not even worried about that. I work hard on my own professionally and I don't need sex tapes or any of that bullshit.

This bitch had to sound out the word "elaborate." In this dumb ho's defense, she was walking and talking at the same time and we all know that's really, really hard to do.

After Farrah bruised up the inside of her head while trying to form complete sentences, TMZ heard that James Deen was her sex tape co-star and so they asked him about it. James Deen admitted that he slapped his peen against Farrah's chocha in a sex tape. But James said that it was strictly professional and they got tested on Friday and shot the tape on Saturday.

You know, maybe Farrah's denials are authentic and genuine, because she is so damn stupid that she probably doesn't remember what she did 10 minutes ago let alone a day ago. If Farrah is as good at boning as she is at putting together a thought, then Kim Kartrashian will lose her title as the deadest lay in a sex tape.

Here's Farrah's silicone chichis melting like two Junior Mints left out in the sun while posing in some photo shoot yesterday.

In the span of 9 days, Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 announced that she was knocked up with a do-over baby, filed charges against her husband of a few weeks for allegedly beating her ass and then went to the hospital because there were complications with her pregnancy. Then early this morning, Jenelle and her ex-boyfriend Gary Head live-tweeted her miscarriage. As I file legal papers asking for extradition to another planet, read this mess:

Pimp Mama Kris doesn't know what to do first: slow clap or take notes.

One of Jenelle's friends told Radar this morning that she did lose her baby and so her mother Barbara doesn't have to move to a different city and change her name, because it turns out she won't have to take care of another kid. A lot of commenters at Radar think that Jenelle was never pregnant and she and her husband Courtland Rogers came up with this scam to get a quick check from Radar. So either Jenelle live-tweeted a fake miscarriage or she live-tweeted a real miscarriage. Whatever the case may be, I'm still going to try to jack a space pod from the Scientology garage, because it's the only way I'll get off this planet. I'll meet you there. Don't give Jenelle our forwarding address.

Let's all stick an e.p.t. test up our asses, because the odds say that we're all having babies. Babies are happening to everyone! Elton John has a baby, Jeremy Renner is going to have a baby and in the most terrifying baby news of all, Star (via Radar) says that Teen Mom Jenelle Evans is knocked all the way up with a kid who she'll see every other weekend (depending on whether or not she's got ¢hur¢h aka a Ke$ha concert that weekend).

In around 8 months, Child Protective Services will get another file on their desks when 21-year-old Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 births out her second kid. Jenelle's husband of a few weeks, Courtland Rogers, tells Star that CPS' sweetheart is around 6 weeks pregnant and since she doesn't have custody of her first kid, Jace Evans, she's hoping she can prove she's not a piece of shit parent by raising her second kid right. There's nothing more precious than having a do over baby. Jenelle just got out of rehab for heroin addiction, so this is perfect time for her to be knocked up. Courtland tells Star:

“Me and Jenelle are so happy that she’s pregnant. She told me, ‘I’m looking forward to a second chance.’ She thinks if she can prove that she’s a good mother, she can get Jace back."

When Star asked Jenelle's 59-year-old mother for a comment, she said (no, she didn't), "I was thrilled to find out that my accidental surrogate is pregnant with another baby for me to raise. Retirement is overrated! I am so happy that Jenelle gets to have all the fuck time fun in making a baby while I'm the one who gets to raise it. I am seriously OVER THE MOON! No, seriously, throw me over the moon, please." 

And this goes without typing, but yes, there will soon be a baby on this planet whose name is Ke$ha. Ke$ho if it's a boy.

Farrah Abraham of MTV's Teen Mom is tattooing the words "Mother of the Year" on her crotch, because she believe she's the greatest mother ever for tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's unibrow hairs as the kid slept. In a blog post on Sulia, Teen Mom Farrah, who spent $16,000 on a new face, writes about her adventures in baby brow waxing. Farrah pulled out the waxing strips, because she says she felt sorry for her daughter Sophia and wanted to beautify Sophia's brow situation. Here's the blog post that only a Toddlers & Tiaras mom could love (yes, I laughed at "standout historical moment in motherhood"):

SOOOOOooooo, this is a touchy subject the Unibrow thing.

But recently I could not ignore it, like I know I've seen madonna's duaghter have a stand out uni brow, I remember when I was little I had a unibrow, but I couldn't remember if there was an age limit, a rule!

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends.... is this hair just going to fall out... is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn't go away and others started saying it was here to stay.

So I told sophia (my daughter who is a late 3 years old) of the little issue on her brow, and I showed her how I waxed mine off, so I tryed to wax her, the second a dab hit the Uni, she touch it with the towel she had in her hand,

UHHH so now, wax was in the towel, and I yanked it back ASAP, but fuzz was not stuck to the wax stuck to her Uni, OMG moment, So now sophia was freaking out, so I had to act like it was a cool science project to get the wax off.

PLOT TO END THIS: Sophia feel a sleep, I got my tweezers and Pluck-pluck-pluck......soph was now saying ouch or anything and still was asleep, I got most of it off and then finally she woke up..I went to sleep .

The next morning I showed her and told her how well she did and she didn't even know, She was more intrigued now to be ok with upkeeping her non-unibrow. I could tell she was proud.

Ah I feel like a good mom:) other moms tell me your ideas!

One of my cousins had a glorious unibrow for most of her childhood and her parents refused to let her pluck it away even after she told them that kids made fun of her for it. She tried to hide it by growing her bangs long, but that didn't work. (Side note: She should've united her bangs with her bushy unibrow by braiding them together. That would've been the look.) She was desperate to get rid of the hairy bridge that connected her right brow to her left brow. So one night, she blew out a candle and poured the hot wax on her face. The dumbass didn't lose any brow hairs, but she did gain a burn on her forehead. After that, her mom regularly plucked away her unibrow for her.

So I can sort of understand where that dumb dumb Farrah is coming from, but isn't 3 way too young for that kind of shit? And who the hell tweezes their daughter's eyebrows in her sleep? If Farrah just had to get rid of her 3-year-old's unibrow, she should've done it a better way. I mean, Farrah should've burned her daughter's brow hairs off by playing her abomination of a song for them. Farrah's music makes my ear tunnels burn, so I'm sure it has the same effect on brow hairs.

via UsWeekly 

On last week's episode of the #1 facepalm-inducing show on basic cable Teen Mom 2, Jenelle Evans became an instant role model (again) to dumb bitches everywhere when she told her lawyer that she couldn't start serving her jail sentence on a certain day, because she didn't want to miss the most important event in her life: Ke$ha's concert. Well, Jenelle's personal messiah Ke$ha has responded to one of her devoted followers risking being put on probation for another year to watch a trash heap refugee pussy pop for 2 hours. via HuffPo:

Have you seen this episode of "Teen Mom," where a woman who's due in jail begs her lawyer to keep her out until she can attend one of your shows? What's your reaction to that?
She is the reason I do what I do. Go grrrl don't let the man hold you down! We R Who We R!!!!

Now Jenelle knows how one of Je$us' disciples felt when he spoke to them personally.

Ke$hit is right, though. Jenelle is fighting the man and she's this generation's answer to Martin Luther King Jr.  I can't wait to hear her very own "I had a dream...or maybe it was a shroom hallucination" speech. Jenelle's new husband is lucky to be married to such an important activist. Marrying Jenelle is the best decision he's ever made...next to getting her full name tattooed above his nipple, of course.