No, this isn't a newly found still from Julia Roberts' screen test for Splash. This is Shaun White dressed in drag as The Little Mermaid. The only thing that can top Carrot Bottom
is anything that's 7 inches or more is The Flying Tomato dressed up as Ariel for Halloqueen. You can tell Shauna White is all about this and I'm sure his back door ginger star fish is tingling something extra. You all should take the rest of the day off so you can go home and be left alone with your emotions.
Okay, this is some Charlie Sheen shit, but without the mountains of coke (I think) and the traumatized porn star locked in the bathroom (I think, again). It really is hard going through life knowing that you'll always be known as the less hot Carrot Top and Olympic gold medal-winning snowboarder Shaun White obviously let that get to him, because he lost his mind at the bottom of a booze bottle before trashing his hotel room in Nashville. Shaun White not only looks like he's been training his whole life to be a Rock of Ages extra, but he acts like it too. Before you make one of those "Watch out, we've got a badass over here" jokes, you haven't seen Shaun tussle with a floor lamp. Yes, the floor lamp probably won that fight, but I'm sure Shaun got in at least one slap to the shade.
TMZ says that after the secret toilet baby of Ann Romano and Schneider from One Day at a Time drunkenly messed up his hotel room, he pulled a few fire alarms (because why not). When Shaun tried to leave the hotel, a dude from the hotel caught him outside and tried to stop him. Shaun kicked the dude and ran away, but because the boomerang known as karma sometimes works real fast, he knocked his head into a fence and got a black eye. Bitch got taken down by a fence! The cops showed up and put Shaun in handcuffs for vandalism and public intoxication.
Two words: GINGER BUFFOONERY!
If the government really does have hidden cameras on every corner, can they please unite this nation in laughs by releasing the footage of Shaun getting whooped by a fence? Next to seeing a fat biker dude with neck tattoos openly reading Fifty Shades Freed (which tells me he read the first two books and LOVED them) on the subway, seeing Shaun knocking his head into a fence will be the greatest thing I've seen this month. That fence should get a gold medal in douche handling.
When I was in high school, one of my friends would screw around with her ginger twat of a boyfriend almost every day after class at her house. That's the set up. So one day I was lying on her bed and my eyes caught a glimmery pile of what I thought was orange thread, but it was actually her dude's pubes scattered on her top sheet. The first line that came out of my mouth was something like, "Clean that shit up, you nasty whore." She looked at me seriously and said, "I like to sleep on top of his red pubes at night. It makes me feel close to him." I mean... If Romeo was a ginge, Shakespeare would've made Juliet recite that line to her nurse. So now whenever I think of pubes of fire, I think of my high school friend spooning a pile of them in her bed, which leads me to this story about Olympic-winning snowboarder Shaun White....
TMZ says that in the near future you might get a few pieces of Shaun White's naked ass body, because someone is trying to sell pictures of him to the highest bidder. The pictures were apparently taken at a party back in 2009. In one picture, Shaun is completely clothed and making out with some chick. In a second picture, Shaun and the chick are naked and hugging on top of a bed. TMZ has seen the pictures and want you to know that yes, Shaun's also got a wild red fern growing out of his crotch. The carpet matches the drapes.
Shaun White looks like the love child of my two favorite things on this planet (Carrot Top and Night Mare from Casper), so of course I want to eat these pictures with my eyes. I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron and I bet his ass looks like tiny people carrying torches up a snowy mountain cap. Yes, I bet his ass hairs are legendary! Stick a thermometer in me, because I'm already getting the fevah!