While wearing a dress the color of the tears you shed when you see another Kardashian post, Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke at the E! Upfronts in NYC yesterday and she brought along her iPhone with her official title on it. I'm not taking "Queen of Fucking Everything" to mean that she's the Queen of Everything. That title already belongs to Richard Simmons and all the heads of state were there when he had it tattooed onto his ass lips, so that makes it official. I'm taking it to mean that she will fuck absolutely everything for a dollar or for a blurb in (insert the name of every single magazine that exists on the planet here).
If there was a dead giant hissing cock roach lying in a puddle of dried dog piss and you told PMK that a quarter will fall out of it if she humped it, she'd slather Zestra all over her parts and get to it. If you told PMK that E! will give her family another spin-off show if she 69ed with Lucifer, she'd shrug and tell you that she's been there, done that, but she'll gladly do it again. If you promised PMK everlasting wealth and fame if she sold her entire family into the hands of the head of an underground sex slavery ring, she'd grab a price label gun and immediately shoot a $3.00 tag onto Khloe's forehead.
So yeah, PMK and her entire family are the Queens of Fucking Everything. PMK is finally telling the truth about something.
Here's the Queen of all Whores and some of her hos at the E! Upfronts last night.
It's the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris' stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that's why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper's old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won't judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott's peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy's whores is a sin!
Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it's natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner's face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that's why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he's fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does "LD" stand for? Here's some of my guesses:
- Lord Douchebag
- Little Dick
- Loves Dingleberries
- Living Diaper
- Lucifer's Darling
- Licks DaButt
And on and on and on... I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.