The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years
This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now.
How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out.
Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea!
As you go to iTunes to play "I'd Rather Go Blind" on repeat, legendary icon Etta James is flying up to heaven at the age of 73. Etta's manager Lupe De Leon (that's a really hot name) gave the sad news to CNN and added that she was surrounded by her husband and sons as she died in a hospital in Riverside, CA. Etta was diagnosed with Leukemia in 20120 and she also suffered from dementia and hepatitis C. Etta was days away from turning 74. Lupe De Leon (seriously, that's a hot name) said this to CNN about Etta:
" This is a tremendous loss for the family, her friends and fans around the world. I worked with Etta for over 30 years. She was my friend and I will miss her always."
Rest in peace, Etta. Your legendary voice will be heard forever and your legendary beauty legacy will live on through cholas who will try to emulate one of your best looks by pairing their Sharpie brows with a white blond dandelion puff. I can already see you saying "You tried" to them as you look down form heaven.
This morning, I took my dog down for his first public piss of the day and I wore a hat like this and glasses like these to do so. (You can judge me all you want, but it's raining like a bitch here and I think that's the heavens' way of throwing me shade and weeping over my jacked up look so you don't have to.) When I got downstairs, a dude who works in my building stopped mopping and said to me, "You look like a Chinese Ron from A Different World!" Just like that. I'm not Chinese, but I figured that any day that starts out with A Different World reference is going to be a good day. I was wrong, because I came upstairs and read about Sinead O'Connor trying to overdose her way to the afterworld again. Is the brown that difficult, Sinead? Damn.
Between trying to get the taste of activated charcoal out of her mouth, Sinead told The Sun (You know, because when you try to get a date with the Grim Reaper, you tell The Sun first!) that she swallowed a bunch of pills last Thursday in L.A. Shortly after Sinead overdosed, she let out a Twitter plea and asked her followers if they knew of a good shrink. Why Sinead didn't ask her on-and-off-again therapist husband for a recommendation is beyond me, but she eventually got the help she needs. Sinead told The Sun:
"I took an overdose. God obviously wants me around — though I can't think why. I just had to make a cry for help."
Can somebody ask Tim Tebow that since he's hogging up the invisible soup can connection to God, can he please take a moment from praying for another homerun (or whatever the hell they do in football) to ask our lord to tell him why he's keeping Sinead here. I'm pretty sure God will say that he's keeping Sinead around, because the difficult brown movement needs a public voice and she needs to hear that.
Before you read Pusuke his rights for having caca logs leaking out of his eyes, you should know he was 26 when was this picture was taken. You're going to have turd worms wiggling out of your eyes too when you're 26 in dogs years! Now on to the sad news, Pusuke, who used to be the oldest dog in the world, is humping chew toys in up in heaven after he died at his home in Sakura, Japan yesterday. Pusuke was 26 and was just three months away from shattering the record some more by turning 27. Some old beagle from the US made it all the way to 28 before dying in 2003.
Pusuke's owner says that he was pretty healthy until he started having breathing problems yesterday morning. Pusuke's owner went for a stroll and when she came back he was in a bad way and died shortly after. Pusuke told her local newspaper, "I think [Pusuke] waited for me to come home."
I'm not sure why she decided to go for a leisurely stroll while Pusuke was trying to push out a breath. I'm just going to assume she was out picking wild flowers to stick in Pusuke's hair so he could look pretty for the angels.
Rest in peace, Pusuke. Today, I will put some fucked up holiday bows in my dog's hair in your honor.
via HuffPo (Thanks Dorothy and everybody else who sent this in)
Patrice O'Neal, the comedian who gave you laughs on Web Junk 2.0, The Office, Arrested Development, Comedy Central's Charlie Sheen Roast and Opie & Anthony's Sirius show, died yesterday after suffering a diabetic-related stroke back in October. Opie & Anthony confirmed Patrice's death on Twitter today and his booking agent released this statement shortly after:
It is with terrible sadness we must report that Patrice O’Neal has passed away this morning at 7:00am due to the complications of the stroke he suffered on October 19. Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius. His mother, who was also his best friend, was at his side. Patrice is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo; his step daughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder, and his mother Georgia. The family wishes to thank all of the fans and friends who have expressed an outpouring of love and support for Patrice these past weeks. We ask that you please respect the family’s request for privacy at this difficult time.
Rest in peace, Sea Monster. You are now up in heaven, getting your time raped by the lady angels.
Okay, maybe just one comment: I hope that every raver at the rave that killed Shadow will accidentally buy bunk E for the rest of their raver days. Every time they put a tab in their mouth and realize it's dyed baby Tylenol, they'll think about poor tortured Shadow. :(
Heavy D, the former leader of Heavy D and the Boyz, died suddenly at around 1pm in L.A. this afternoon after he was found lying unconscious in front of his house. There aren't many details, but TMZ says that he was breathing and talking when ambulances arrived. But by the time they got him to the hospital, he had already floated up to the great big limousine in the sky. Heavy D was only 44.
Heavy D and the Boyz's first album came out in 1987, but he really filled a million ear drums with "Now That We Found Love" in 1991. Heavy D also performed the theme songs for both In Living Color and MADtv. When he wasn't making music, he acted in TV shows like Roc and in movies like The Cider House Rules and Tower Heist (yes, I'm already blaming Brett Ratner for this).
Since nowadays our final Tweet is our final public word, here's Heavy D's:
16 hours ago
Rest in peace, Heavy D.
I don't know how you fly your eyebrows at half-staff, but we should all find a way, because an iconic pair attached to a cranky poet and legendary American curmudgeon has gone off to the great big messy office in the sky where all the mixed nuts are whole and all the water is slutty. Andy Rooney's angel wing brows have spread and he has flown up to the afterworld, while complaining the entire way, at the age of 92. Andy died in a NYC hospital last night from complications following a minor surgery. Andy semi-retired 6 weeks ago after giving his 1,097th and final verbal bitch slap to America on 60 Minutes.
As a cranky bitch who can't wait until I truly have no more fucks to give, this wraps the sads around my heart. One of my rituals every Sunday before Amazing Race was to watch Andy complain about some shit I didn't even know was possible for people to complain about. I mean, he moaned and bitched about coins! Sometimes Andy was right. Sometimes Andy was wrong. Sometimes Andy said some crazy shit. Sometimes Andy made sense. But throughout all of that Andy continued to have no spare fucks to give about what you thought about his complaining. For that, I thank Andy! And now I leave you with a few quotes from one of the great American grouches:
"I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
"Death is a distant rumor to the young."
Rest in peace, Andy. We'll pour one out for you today and then wave our fists while complaining about the mess we made.
via CBS News
Mitch Winehouse said a while ago that the Coroner informed the family that his daughter Amy Winehouse did not have heroin, cocaine, meth or anything else found in Lindsay Lohan's first-aid kit in her system at the time of her death. Mitch put on his crime solvin' hat and said that he believes his daughter got a piggyback ride from the Grim Reaper to the heavens, because she started drinking alcohol after a long break from the bottle. Mitch can give himself the saddest pat on the back ever, because he's right.
The coroner held a hearing this morning in London and explained that Amy had "416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood." 350mg of booze is considered lethal and 80mg is the legal limit for driving in the UK. The coroner was told by Amy's family and doctors that she had quit drinking for two weeks straight and she started up again just a few days before her death. There were three empty bottles found in her bedroom. The coroner went on to say, "She had consumed sufficient alcohol at 416mg per decilitre (of blood) and the unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels was her sudden and unexpected death."
The coroner declared Amy Winehouse's cause of death as "death by misadventure." "Death by misadventure" sounds like equal parts sad and strangely whimsical. Like the last title of a The Rescuers movie. I'm probably going to breathe my last breath into my Prince Hot Ginge blow-up doll while surrounded by my cat's children, but I still hope "death by misadventure" is written on my death certificate. RIP Amy. You lived by misadventure and died by misadventure.
UPDATE: I must have 350mg of booze in my system, because Mitch Winehouse actually said before that he believes Amy died of alcohol withdrawal. Mitch never said that he believes she died of drinking the sweet nectar after a break. So take back that sad pat, Mitch.
Steve Jobs, one of the visionary creative geniuses who created the laptop that allows me to type the word "peen" all day on the internet, has gone off to iHeaven today at the young age of 56. Apple, the company that Steve co-founded, released this statement on their website:
"Apple has lost a visionary and creative genius, and the world has lost an amazing human being.
Those of us who have been fortunate enough to know and work with Steve have lost a dear friend and an inspiring mentor. Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have built, and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple."
Steve stepped down as CEO of Apple earlier this year to continue his battle against pancreatic cancer, which he was diagnosed with in 2004. Steve's family said that he died peacefully while surrounded by those he loved.
Rest in peace, Steve. Thank you for making it easier (and more fun and more interesting) for us to do everything. I would pour a 40 on my MacBook, but I sort of need it to publish this post. iSad.