Sadness

Today's news is filled with nothing but real-life nightmares after real-life nightmares and you kind of just want to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there until the world finally collapses. But before you do that, here's some pictures of international treasure Charo cuchi cuchi-ing in the middle of a parking lot in Beverly Hills yesterday. We need just a little Charo right now and that's all I've got.

A small plane carrying Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera went totally missing early this morning after it fell off the radar. AP (via HuffPo) says that after performing at a show in Monterrey, Mexico, Jenni, two pilots and four others all got on a small plane headed for Toluca. The plane took off at around 3:30 am and flew about 62 miles before it lost contact with radar. The U.S. Learjet 25 was supposed to land in Toluca at 4:40 am, but it didn't.

Mexican officials say that several helicopters are searching for the plane now. Jenni's publicist was also on the jet and he tweeted pictures from her show last night, before they got on the plane.

43-year-old Jenni was born in Long Beach and lives in Encino, CA with her 5 children. Jenni has sold almost 15 million records worldwide and is also the star of the reality show I Love Jenni. Jenni recently just signed a deal with ABC for her own sitcom. Jenni's had a whole lot of escandalosoness in her life. After she filed for divorce from her husband two years ago, he was accused of having an affair with her daughter. Her daughter denied it.

This doesn't look good at all, but hopefully La Gran Senora is fine and will be pouring beer on the heads of young girls for years to come.

UPDATE: Officials say they found the wreckage of the crashed plane and there were no survivors. The crash was apparently so intense and hard that there's pieces of the plane scattered all over the place. Two pilots, Jenni Rivera, Jenni's make-up artist Jacob Yebale, her lawyer and her manager were all on board. Here's the last known picture of Jenni that was tweeted by Jacob Yebale before the plane took off:

Rest in peace.

And now I'll go and console some of my family members by pouring a beer over their heads, because they are probably losing their minds over this news.

Kim Kardashian had an adorable white pussy named Mercy (after one of Kanye's songs... let's all eye roll together now) and that poor, tortured kitten always looked like she was on the verge of committing suicide and now we know why. Mercy not only had to worry about Kim's steam roller ass crushing her to death and Pimp Mama Kris using her as a sacrifice to Lucifer, but she also had a stomach infection. I think "stomach infection" is PR code for "khlamydia she kaught from Kim."

Just like marriage, Kim couldn't commit to Mercy and gave her away after only a few months together. Kim said in a post on her blog that she didn't know she was allergic to pussy until Mercy lived with her for a while and what she really means by that is she grew allergic to the fact that Mercy was no longer getting her extra attention from the paps. Kim gets Botox and the coagulated sperm of Satan injected into her face daily, but she refused to get injections for her allergies to keep Mercy. So Kim gave Mercy to Khloe Kardashian's assistant Sydney. The cat Sydney took care of for 17 years recently died, so Kim thought that maybe Mercy would fill the hole in her heart. But after only two weeks with Sydney, Mercy got really sick and the vet had to send her on a one-way trip to heaven. Here's the press release about Mercy's death that was totally not written by Kim. If you don't feel like reading it, then in a few weeks you can watch Kim recite it on E!'s Tribute to KIM KARDASHIAN's cat Mercy starring KIM KARDASHIAN!

It is with deep sadness that I have to tell you all that my kitten, Mercy, has passed away. My heart is completely broken.

When I first got Mercy, I had never lived with a cat before and so I had no idea that I was allergic. I thought that it might pass, but after a few weeks I decided to go visit two separate allergists, one of whom said my allergies wouldn’t get any better unless I started taking injections. I had fallen SO in love with Mercy that I wanted to try everything I could to keep her, but I didn’t think it was safe to resort to injections, and it wasn’t fair on Mercy, because I couldn’t play with her or give her as much attention as I wanted to. Mercy deserved a mom who could really give her the time and affection she deserved. I knew that Sydney, Khloe’s assistant, who had recently lost a cat she had loved and cared for for 17 years, would be the perfect mom for Mercy and Sydney was so excited to have Mercy as her own!

Sydney gave Mercy a loving home, but after a couple of weeks Mercy got really sick and Sydney had to rush her to the vet. They discovered she had a stomach problem that we weren’t aware of. Her stomach had filled with fluid and the doctor said she had a rare stomach cancer and that there was nothing we could do for her. Poor little Mercy died the very next day. It broke not only my heart that little Mercy died at only four months old, but Sydney’s too.

Mercy was a gentle and loving kitten and we are all going to miss her so much. Thanks to Sydney for making Mercy’s short life one filled with love.

RIP Mercy Xo

Poor Mercy. Most of her days alive were spent as a Kardashian publicity prop. Let's hope that she faked her death to escape those bitches and is now living in the Cat House on Kings.

Rest in peace, Mercy...

Mel and Michael, the Australians radio hosts behind the Duchess Kate hospital prank, have put themselves in time out after the nurse who transferred them to Kate's nurse killed herself today. SCA, the company that owns 2Day FM released this statement to TMZ:

"SCA and 2Day FM are deeply saddened by the tragic news of the death of nurse Jacintha Saldanha from King Edward VII’s Hospital. SCA and the hosts have decided that they will not return to their radio show until further notice out of respect for what can only be described as a tragedy."

Mel and Michael also hit the delete button their Twitter accounts and are refusing to open their mouths to the media about this. A rep for King Edward VIII Hospital said that Nurse Jacintha  Saldanha was a good nurse and liked by all her co-workers, and they also said that she wasn't punished for transferring the call. I said this in my other post, but Nurse Jacintha only answered the phone, because the receptionist was away.

There seems to be two reactions to this. Some people are screaming that Mel and Michael need to be fired, skinned alive and turned into poopy bags for the Queen's corgis. The others are saying that no, it wasn't not funny, but it was just a dumb prank and the DJs shouldn't be blamed. As for me, I'm on the side that isn't saying shit, because THE QUEEN is not the one and has 007 on speed dial.

The "I Don't Like Jokes" tag has never been more appropriate.

Two days ago, Australian radio hosts Mel and Michael put on their worst British accents to try to talk to Duchess Kate at the hospital she was staying in. They pretended to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles and they didn't think they would get through since they butchered the British accent more than Brit Brit has. But they did get through. A hospital receptionist immediately transferred them to the nurse taking care of Duchess Kate. And now that hospital receptionist is dead.

The Daily Mail said that her body was found this morning at an address really near King Edward VII Hospital where she worked. When the paramedics showed up to the address, she had already passed away and they couldn't revive her. Scotland Yard is treating her death as a suicide. And no, now is not the time for our MI6 jokes.

The hospital hasn't commented on this, but yesterday, a spokesperson for the hospital spoke out about the prank and called it "foolish" and said they were reviewing telephone protocol. Mel and Michael also released a statement yesterday saying they were sorry and didn't think their prank would go very far:

"We were very surprised that our call was put through. We thought we'd be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents. We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well."

Damn, and the hospital receptionist had a husband and two kids. One minute, she's falling for a dumb prank and the next minute she's committing suicide. That escalated quickly. Duchess Kate hasn't even been knocked up for five seconds and a life has already been lost. Sadness all around.

UPDATE: A spokesperson for King Edward VII Hospital said that the nurse who was found dead is Jacintha Saldanha. Answering the main line wasn't even part of Nurse Jacintha's duties. The receptionist needed to step away from the phones, so Nurse Jacintha was helping her out. In a statement, Prince William and Duchess Kate said their "thoughts and prayers are with Jacintha Saldanha’s family, friends and colleagues at this very sad time."

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT J.R. EWING! NOT MAJOR NELSON!

Just when J.R. Ewing was starting to slay young hos on the reboot of Dallas, he has floated up to heaven at the age of 81. Dallas News says that around 4:20pm on Friday, Larry Hagman's glorious angel wing eyebrows spread and took flight. Larry died at Medical City Dallas Hospital from complications of his battle with cancer. Larry's family released this statement:

“Larry was back in his beloved Dallas, re-enacting the iconic role he loved most. Larry’s family and close friends had joined him in Dallas for the Thanksgiving holiday. When he passed, he was surrounded by loved ones. It was a peaceful passing, just as he had wished for. The family requests privacy at this time.”

Linda Gray and Patrick Duffy were both at Larry Hagman's side at the time of his death.

If you don't know Larry Hagman from Dallas, slap yourself, because everybody should know that. But Larry Hagman, who was the son of Broadway legend Mary Martin, was also Major Nelson in I Dream of Jeannie. Larry is survived by his wife, Maj Axelsson, and two children, Heidi and Preston.

What is Dallas going to do now?! It's nothing without J.R. Ewing. I'm about to type the words I never though I'd ever type: Rest in peace, J.R. Ewing. And does Kristin Shepard have an alibi, because if she doesn't, the police should question her ass.

South America isn't going to see Fiona Apple for a while, because she has pressed pause on her planned tour there and is staying in California with her best friend Janet the dog. The now 13-year-old pitbull who Fiona found tied to a tree in a park has a tumor in her chest and will fly up to heaven any day now. So Fiona isn't leaving Janet's side and will stay with her till the end. Fiona hand wrote a letter to her fans on lined paper, scanned it and posted it to Facebook. I've posted it after the cut, but I should warn you. Kryptonite is to Superman like this letter is to ice cold hearts. Sarah McLaughlin's In The Arms of the Angel has nothing on this letter. On to the sadness....

Lark Voorhies and her mom Tricia had opposite opinions on the state of her mental health in People Magazine earlier this month. Tricia said that Lark is bi-poplar, but doesn't want to get help and doesn't really take her meds. (In Lark's defense, it's kind of hard to take her meds when that junkie whore Jessie Spano keeps stealing them from her medicine cabinet.) Lark said that she isn't bi-polar and yes, she's a little hazy in the brains, but that's just because she's a very spiritual person who is thinking thoughts all the time. Well, as Lark and a man friend left some restaurant in L.A. last night TMZ asked her about her mom saying she's bi-polar. Lark took a quick minute to meditate and let the spirits whisper a response into her brain before she said:

"Well I think it quite comical... I'll put it to you like this, outside contract, everything is funny. Beautiful pictures though, don't you think?"

Lisa Turtle went on to talk about other shit too including how we're all spiritually in tune with an informant connection, or something like that. Lisa Turtle talks like me if I drank a whole bottle of absinthe and tried to do an impersonation of Audrey Hepburn in Always.

Yes, Lisa Turtle talks and carries herself like the pilled-up matriarch of a wealthy New England family who is about to tell her children that she's cut all of them out of the will, but it really doesn't matter if she's bi-polar or not. I'm more concerned about that make-up and outfit. GUUURRRRRL. That's an outfit that Dorothy Zbnorak would look at in the Memaw of the Bride section at Sears and quickly shoo it away because it's TOO obvious.

Doesn't anyone stay together anymore?? As a two-time loser in the getting married department, I'm all for just shacking up until you're tired of picking towels and dirty underwear up off the bathroom floor and bitching about toilet seat placement, then kicking their annoying dirty ass to the curb. But once you put a ring on it, you're supposed to try to deal with all of that shit till death do us part. I know, I'm a total hypocrite, but I'm in good standing with all of the far right sanctity of marriage people. Okay I should really re-think that.

So, the latest person to join me on the ever growing list of vow breakers is Russell Crowe. Sydney Confidential says that he and his wife of 9 years Danielle Spencer have hit the skids. Danielle is currently in Sydney with their two children, 8 year old Charles and 6 year old Tennyson and Russel is in the US filming Noah, and there is speculation that his grueling work schedule is at the root of it all. There are no details except that the split is amicable and that their main concern is protecting their boys. By "amicable" I think they mean he probably didn't split her face open with a cell phone. So that's nice.

I hope it really is just long work hours and Russell didn't come down with the same can'tkeepitinhispantsitis that afflicted Danny DeVito, but if that's what happened at least it makes some sense this time. I would pour one out for their union, but I live in a blue state and on Sunday that's a no-no. Maybe tomorrow.

Thank you Swallows!

Speak of the devil. I just mentioned the Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman divorce at the end of the Courtney and Doug write-up, and then MK lands this little nugget in my inbox. So, nobody could possibly have guessed this, but the reason for their breakup is rumored to be a scorching case of wandering peen. That's a pretty common thread in breakups and I thought that might be it for a split second, but then I remembered it's Danny Devito and felt stupid. I mean who besides Rhea wants to get all up (or down really, unless you fail the "have to be this tall to ride" challenge) on that? Just look at his luscious little self up there with his strong broad shoulders, luxurious mane and the finest in footwear and tell me you wouldn't.

So in an exclusive, Radar.online lays out the whole sordid mess. Basically they say Danny's been an extra fucker since at least his Hoffa days, and he would promise to make these young dumb girls famous (spoiler: he didn't) if they would hop on his Wee Willie Winky (spoiler: they did). I don't know who is more disgusting, Danny for preying on these starry eyed hoes - who get extra points for doing the gold digging equivalent of the food challenge on Survivor - or the girls for pretending to be all into and humping on an old married gherkin for nothing. How completely embarrassing. And then there's poor Rhea over there, actually caring about this fool.

The anonymous source says that it was pretty obvious and common knowledge about what was going down (dramatic pause) on the Hoffa set and everyone felt sorry for Rhea, who was doubly humiliated because 1) her husband was openly cheating on her and 2) she was already famous when she started fucking on him so she had no excuse. Bummer.