And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you've been waiting to use.
Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn't looking for alimony, but he doesn't want to pay Liberty's lawyer either. Cheap bitch.
Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn't work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart's acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn't kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew's box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.
"This was a long time coming," one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders "did want to try to repair the relationship and didn't want a divorce."
Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, "was more than a little upset," adds a second insider. "They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she's the kind of person who wouldn't really ever get over it."
The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they'll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they'll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert's home is wrecked forever and since KStew's coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.
Because the Fall of Robsten conspiracies are the new 9/11 conspiracies, Jenni Maier at Mashable burped up this hilariously ridiculous video as proof that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross all manufactured the escandalosoness to bump up their careers. Nobody knew who Liberty Ross was before her husband munched on KStew's box in a Mini Cooper, but now she's suddenly walking the Alexander Wang show at NYFW. Nobody really knew who Rupert Sanders was and now everybody including my mom (who barely knows my first name and sometimes calls me by her cat's name on accident) knows his name. Both RPattz and KStew had non-Twilight movies to promote, so it all makes sense! Well, it makes sense after you smoke a couple of bowls and freebase the Twihard juice. You don't want to know what Twihard juice is. It's not so much juice as it is cream. I'll stop.
Jenni at Mashable asked the second thing I asked after watching this video. The first thing I asked myself was, "Why am I watching this video? Wouldn't straightening then crimping my pubes be a better use of my time?" The second thing I asked myself was, "If they were all in it together, why would they need to doctor the pictures? Couldn't KStew just pose in them herself?" Jenni straightened her tin foil visor and answered that question poking at my brain:
According to this video, Rupert Sanders helped stage these photos with the help of an anonymous women. Clever editing shows that the notorious photos featured in Us Weekly don’t match up to photos of the real location. There are all kinds of scale issues with Rupert Sanders and Kristen Stewart’s height — and it’s easy to get caught up in what this video’s trying to imply.
But what doesn’t make sense to me is why would they fake the photos? That seems like an incredibly immense undertaking that would bring this conspiracy to a whole new level. Not only does it mean Rupert Sanders (and his anonymous henchmen) framed Kristen Stewart, but also that they had a reason to do so.
Not to mention that Kristen Stewart apologized for these photos within 24 hours of the news breaking – and hours before the issue of Us Weekly even hit newstands. So why would she apologize for something so devastating that she hadn’t done so quickly. Wouldn’t this be the kind of issue that would cause marketing teams to come up with an elaborate PR strategy to deflect negative attention from Kristen? A strategy that would probably take an entire day (at the very least) to create.
Commenters allude to the fact that blackmail could be involved and that could be the reason she apologized so quickly.
BLACKMAIL?! Any conspiracy theory that involves BLACKMAIL is my kind of conspiracy theory. That's some Alexis Carrington shit right there. But in order to believe any of these conspiracy theories, we also have to believe that Kristen Stewart isn't six layers of boring who is only capable of drooling on herself, biting at her lip, blinking and making mouth love to a fully loaded bong. Once I see a detailed video disproving that theory, I'll consider believing the other theories.
For now, the only thing this video proves is that when you mix together a Twihard, the music of Jet, Google Street View and an all-night meth binge, fucked up things happen.
Things we don't need: from Hollywood: A sequel to Ho White and The Cuntsman.
Things Hollywood will give us anyway, because they know we'll throw our money at them if they make it shiny: A sequel to Ho White and The Cuntsman.
The Hollywood Reporter says that because Snow White and The Huntsman made almost $400 million worldwide, Universal is planning a sort of sequel. I say "sort of" sequel, because the Snow White in Snow White and The Huntsman won't be in the next movie. Universal probably thinks that if they put Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders on the same set again, those two whores will spend all their time dry humping each other's faces in her trailer and the movie will never get made (that's not a bad thing). So Universal has taken a red Sharpie and scribbled a giant L (short for lip-biting home wrecker whore) on KStew's face before kicking her out of the sequel. Universal's sequel will be all about The Huntsman. So basically, it's going to be a day at the ren faire with Thor.
David Koepp, who wrote the first movie, has also been kicked out, because the sequel has become something other than the movie they hired him to write. Universal hasn't hired a director for the sequel, but Rupert Sanders is still on a list of possibilities.
But wait. Universal tells The Los Angeles Times that The Hollywood Reporter's story isn't exactly made of 100% truthfulness. They say that yes, they are working on a movie about The Huntsman, but Kristen Stewart's Snow White might still be in it. My guess is that Snow White will only be the first part. You know, Snow White will be caught getting her pussy eaten by a married dwarf in Cinderella's pumpkin car and they'll banish that slut to the Whore Forest.
No, I don't think we need a movie about The Huntsman, but I will approve of it as long it's nothing but 2 hours of Chris Hemsworth carrying a baby (see old pictures from July below). Or Chris Hemsworth can carry a dwarf or a bag of crab apples for 2 hours. I don't care about the details as long as he's cradling something in his "anaconda swallowing a warthog" arms.
Above is a video of Kristen Stewart, Rupert Sanders, Charlize Theron and some other people from Ho White and The Husband having dinner together at a restaurant in Berlin a couple of months ago. KStew giving off the sexuality of a wet Styrofoam peanut and the allure of a snoring, drooling sloth was just too much for Rupert to handle and so he had to give himself a quick yank right there at the table. And whatever utensils Rupert touched after that, KStew probably licked them real quick to be closer to him. That's how hot they had it for each other. At least that's what Rupert's wife's brother is saying.
In KStew's bizarre open apology, she said that her box munching date with Rupert was only a one time thing. But Liberty Ross' younger brother, Leopold Ross tells The People (via Radar) that those two have been biting each other's lips long before Rupert got caught with a mouthful of KStew snatch. Leopold feels for his sister, because she gave up her career to take care of the kids and Rupert has slapped her in the face with KStew's labia:
“It was from the last half of filming and all through post-production, clear into last week. She made some sacrifices for something she thought was worth it, now she knows, right? Five minutes from her home.
Doubt it was worth it but it’s life. It might actually make things better in the long run. She wasn’t that happy for a while, but our family is close, she’ll be all right.”
Yes, their family is really close and obviously mine is just as close. Because if my sister had a husband and that husband cheated on her by sucking off Kristen Stewart's tongue in a parked Mini Cooper, I would totally sell my story to a British newspaper. I didn't lace that last line with any sarcasm, so you've been warned, future brother-in-law.
I don't know if I believe Leopold Ross. There was a whole lot of making out (and not much more) in those pictures. If they were wet humping on each other for months, I'd think that they'd just want to get down to business and do sex on each other real quick before rinsing the cheating skank smells off of their fuck parts with a stranger's front yard garden hose. Who makes out in a parked car besides 11th graders? Grow up, KStew and Ruprick!
Below are pictures of moving trucks outside of KStew and RPattz's former love shack of sparkly love. The paps say those trucks are moving out RPattz's stuff. If this is a stunt (it probably is), then I'm disappointed at how anti-climactic this is. Moving trucks? That's it? They should've went ALL the way. RPattz should've thrown all of KStew's clothes into her Mini Cooper, torched that shit and used the scorned flames to light his cigarette. RPattz should've done it Bernadine-style. (Just picture Angela Bassett as RPattz and I know that's not hard to do since they're so much alike.)
That's how it should've went down with RPattz screaming "Get yer shit!" and everything.
Kristen Stewart Never Sexed On That Rupert Dude, Is Writing An "I'm Sowwy" Letter To His Wife (UPDATE: RPattz Moved Out)
Because Hallmark doesn't make a Hoops & Yoyo "Sorry I Let Your Man Lap Up My Punane" e-card yet, Kristen Stewart is supposedly writing an apology letter to Rupert Sanders' wife Liberty Ross. In case you don't already know, Liberty's the one above who Kristen is throwing a "Can I lick your lips in case your husband's peen has been there recently?" look at.
Some source tells Radar that KStew kept Liberty's name out of the eye roll-inducing, bizarre open apology to RPattz she gave to People, (Yes, we're living in a world where dumb whores have to send an apology letter to People Magazine for getting their box munched on the side.) because she didn't think it was right and wanted to write a private letter instead. To the source:
"Kristen didn’t feel it was appropriate to issue a public apology to Liberty once the story of her affair with Rupert broke. Instead, she’s going to do the decent thing and write Liberty a private letter expressing her deepest regret for her actions. She was thinking of including Liberty, Rupert and the kids in her public apology – but Kristen was so desperate to save her relationship with Rob she decided to concentrate on that first. Kristen feels she made a terribly naïve mistake and will do anything to make amends. The fact that Liberty and Rupert have two kids has now dawned on her and she feels awful for what she did."
Bitch should also throw in a thank you to Rupert for helping her to dim those gayelle rumors. Seriously, the most shocking thing about those pussy eating pictures is that KStew's not the one doing the munching. Speaking of...sort of...
A different source tells Gossip Cop that Rupert and KStew never actually wet humped on each other. The source says they just kissed and he never stuck it in. The hell? So Twihards are bawlin' out the lyrics to "Un-break My Robsten" over some kissing shit? Maybe it's because I'm a shameless slut with the morals of a used condom, but I always thought that it only counts as cheating if you swallow.
But really, stunt or not, this mess could work in KStew's favor. KStew is as bland as unflavored gelatin floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of lukewarm tap water, but this scandal has made her seem kind of interesting. Not only that, but now the Twihards are turning against her and are no longer trying to lick on her taint. So KStew comes off scandalous in a skanky way AND she's free of the Twihards. Win!
UPDATE: People says that RPattz is heartbroken, angry and has no reason to sparkle on, so he's moved out of the house he shared with KSTew. It's really over! This is bigger than the Fall of Saigon and the Decline of the Roman Empire COMBINED!
If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.
Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.
I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.
But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."
UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.
via E! Online