Rumer Willis

Because Phoebe Price was already booked for the opening of an Arby's in the Santa Clarita Valley (I made that up), GLAAD hired Rumer Willis to be the resident seat filler at their Media Awards in Los Angeles last night. Wearing a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag polyester weave and serving up an eyebrow situation that'll make all the other taters in the garden salivate through their eyes with jealousy, Rumer hit the carpet and let everyone know that you don't need talent to get bitches to take your picture. You just need to come out of the right vagina.

When Tater Head sees these pictures of herself last night, she should chin who ever is responsible for painting her mug up like that. It looks like they just blew white flour in her face and called it a day. Bitch looks like uncooked potatoes au gratin. But you know, I can't fully hate on Rumer, because she's got a semi-hot piece at her side and last night I fell asleep between a body pillow and my farting chihuahua.

Here's some other hos at last night's GLAAD Media Awards: Tater with her piece Jayson Blair, Sara Gilbert, an understated Brad Goreski, Chaz Bono, the Evans brothers, Elle Fanning, Blue Ivy Carter's weekday babysitter, Kiki Dunst, Steven Tyler with a perm, Naya Rivera, the Noxzema Girl with McSteamy, Wilson Cruz, Beth Ditto with her girlfriend, Trevor Donovan assuming the position, Matt Dallas and Unique from Glee.

Last August, Snoop Dogg said that he thinks hip-hop is ready for a mainstream gay rapper, but I guess he somehow forgot saying that (don't blame the good shit!), because now he's saying something totally different. Snoop Dogg tells The Guardian that he has a lot of gay homies, but he doesn't think that the rap world will ever fully embrace a gay rapper. Snoop thinks that the rap is just way too masculine to accept a gay rapper.

"I don't have a problem with gay people. I got some gay homies. Yeah, for real. People who were gay used to get beat up. It was cool to beat up on gay people back then. But in the 90s and 2000s, gay is a way of life. Just regular people with jobs. Now they are accepted, not classified. They just went through the same things we went through as black.

Frank Ocean ain't no rapper. He's a singer. It's acceptable in the singing world, but in the rap world I don't know if it will ever be acceptable because rap is so masculine. It's like a football team. You can't be in a locker room full of motherfucking tough-ass dudes, then all of a sudden say, 'Hey, man, I like you.' You know, that's going to be tough."

Snoop is one hundred percent correct, because when I first saw Cam'ron's pink fur and Gucci Mane's ice cream tattoo, I shouted, "That's so masculine!"

I sort of get what Snoop is saying. Snoop is trying to say that so many rap songs are about catching pussy and screwing hos and he doesn't think rappers will be rapping about gargling on nuts and licking on man ass anytime soon. (Cut to a year from now when Kanye Kardashian releases his new single "Gargling On Nuts and Licking On Man Ass.") But Snoop is mistaken about the definition of masculinity, because nothing is more masculine than two dudes fucking. It's double the menses!

And on another note, I will never accept the name Snoop Lion. I refuse.

Here's Snoop Dogg, Tater Head and Tater Head's dude Jayson Blair at his show at Tao in Las Vegas last night.

Ever since Demi Moore got out of a rehab after getting treated for an eating disorder and her addiction to 15-year-old skater boy drugs, there's been rumors that she's been in screaming match after screaming match with the Tater Sisters and that shit's got so serious that Rumer, Tallulah and Scout are thinking of legally keeping her away with a restraining order. How very Frances Bean of their asses.

A source tells Radar that it all started going downhill when the Tater Sisters suspected that Demi was back on the bad shit. Their heated fights led to the sisters getting hot in the head, which led to the room smelling like burnt french fries, which led to them cutting off all communication with Demi. Demi, who's filming Very Good Girls with Dakota Fanning and Elizabeth Olsen in NYC right now, keeps trying to call her daughters, but they want nothing to do with her. They're talking to their attorney and are thinking of shutting Demi up with a restraining order. The source puts it like this:

"Rumer, Scout and Tallulah are seriously considering taking out a restraining order against Demi to stop her from contacting them. They made it clear to her weeks ago that they do not want to talk to her right now but she is still trying to contact them.

Demi has been calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it. It is a really drastic measure and not something they are considering lightly but they just feel like they want some peace and quiet. Demi is beside herself over the situation. She hasn't spoken to Scout, Rumer or Tallulah for weeks now, they won’t return any of her calls, emails or texts. The girls have cut off all contact with Demi, and she is absolutely devastated by it. She has returned to work and is trying to hold herself together, but this is a really tough time for Demi."

But some legal expert says that if restraining orders were that easy to get, all of our eyeballs would've taken restraining orders out on the Tater Sisters' faces a long time ago. Rumor, Scout and Tallulah have to prove that Demi has done more than just leave them a few messages.

If this is true, then Rumor, Scout and Tallulah are ice cold and nobody loves cold potatoes. The ghost of Patrick Swayze is going to use Whoopi Goldberg's body to slap up all three of them. What's even worse is that another source says this has a lot to do with Ashton Kutcher. Demi doesn't want her daughters to talk to Ashton since he did her wrong by doing everybody and getting caught. So Rumor, Scout and Tallulah are choosing a chewed-up, empty douche bottle over their own mom? A mom who was in the greatest piece of shit from 1996 titled Striptease? Fuck 'em. Demi should take out a restraining order against them, because that's some truly hurtful shit.

We already knew that, but now it's confirmed with picture proof! Since Twitter is the new cover of People Magazine and "I'm so rich I don't need to whore out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check" is the new "I'm whoring out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check," Bruce Willis' girl wife Emma Heming posted the first picture of their adorable daughter Mabel on Twitter this morning. Emma added this little note with the picture:

"A beautiful day in Budapest with the loves of my life. Daddy and Mabel cracking each other up"

I know you bitches didn't read that note and I know you bitches aren't reading this either, because I know you bitches are too busy squinting at that picture to see if Baby Mabel inherited the signature Willis girls bold chin. Nope, she didn't. It's Mabel's loss, though. When Mabel's in the mood for fresh guacamole and can't find a pestle, she won't be able to mash that avocado with her chin.

And here's Mabel's half-sister Rumer giving us Ore-Ida hash browns realness at a Nylon party in L.A. last night.

Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore's body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid's birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil' Wayne song. If you took away the whole "murdering her husband" thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.

TMZ says that at Miley's party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher's leash.

When you're a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you've got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I'm not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I've partied with some of my aunties and it's usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don't do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!