Taylor Swift's former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana's in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he's bumping nipples with one of them.
The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?
I say that it's not Kimbo and it's not Ruby and it's not Penny Lancaster. I say that it's the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!
My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo's chin. Harry is gazing away, because he's so wrapped in a walking dream where he's sucking on Rod's juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn't mean that in more ways than one.
Paul McCartney always keeps bodyguards armed with bags of termites near him just in case Heather Mills shows up to attack his ass and since he was a guest at Ronnie Wood's wedding yesterday, she wasn't there to congratulate the bride on a gold digging job well done. Ronnie's bride will get her gold digger certificate of excellence from Heather Mills in the mail.
65-year-old Ronnie Wood became somebody's husband for the third time yesterday when he married his 34-year-old theater producer girlfriend Sally Humphreys at the Dorchester Hotel in London. Ronnie's best man was Rod Stewart, who looked like he was trying hard to hold the barfs in while walking through a wind tunnel, and Paul McCartney was also there. Ronnie's bandmates Mick Jagger and Keith Richards weren't there, because I'm sure they went to one of his other weddings and when you've been to one Ronnie Wood wedding, you've been to them all. Besides, even though some of them are sober (I think), when they get together in the same room, scared bitches start stocking up on booze thinking a shortage is coming.
When Ronnie left his reception last night, he said this to The Sun's reporter:
"I'm feeling great. It was excellent, so great. Brilliant.”
I know, you just had to read those words. They are really important.
You're probably thinking that Ronnie's latest marriage is going to last about as long as a sex fart, but I have a feeling it's going to last a little bit longer than that. Sally sort of looks Snow White-ish and Ronnie looks like a Magic Troll doll who chopped off all his hair, moved to the enchanted forest and became the leader of the woodland creatures. Snow White loves creatures of the enchanted forest, so they're perfect for each other!
Yesterday, we larned (typo and it stays, because I want to speak with a Honey Boo Boo accent today) that Rod Stewart didn't have to get his stomach pumped, because he never overdosed on sailor cum. Uh huh. And today, we're learning that back during his drug days, Rod Stewart regularly got on all fours and begged to be butt banged hard by a coke pill. Yes, we know Rod Stewart like THAT now. I don't like it either.
In his new memoirs Rod Stewart: Farting Up Coke and Barfing Up Cum, he writes that he wasn't ever addicted to the bad shit in a serious way, but he did dabble in drugs and found creative ways to get high. But Rod writes that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was hooked on coke and didn't want to mess up his nose, so they shoved coke pills up their no-nos. Rod and Ronnie were both coke's bottom bitch. Rod explained it all to Access Hollywood (via NYDN):
“We found another method of taking the drug. We put them in a little pill like the French do them, (a) suppository. We did that for a little while. Are we still on the air?”
Lindsay Lohan's Hoover of an asshole isn't impressed. Coke suppository? That's amateur hour. LiLo can stand with her back facing a fat line of coke 100 feet away and all her b-hole has to do is inhale just a little bit and BOOM! Bitch's butt sucks up that line before anybody even notices.
You know, I'm all for sticking what ever it is you want up your own sugar tunnel. If it makes your nipples sweat and does you right, then go for it. But I CAN'T with snorting coke up your ass. Don't give me that "but it numbs it good" shit. If you want to numb your anus, just make it watch Brad Pitt's Chanel commercial. It will knock out before he can say "journey." It will go to bed hating you, but it will still go to bed. Besides, do you really want coke breath of the butt and do you want your ass lips to start grinding? No peen wants to go near grinding ass lips. Deal breaker.
Since almost the beginning of time, an embarrassing rumor has followed Rod Stewart around like a bunch of beaver babies followed that thing on his head around, because they mistook it for their mommy. The rumor goes that sometime in the 1970s, Rod Stewart went to a gay bar in San Diego, met a bunch of sailors, sucked them all off and swallowed so much seamen semen that he had to get his stomach pumped at the emergency room. The rumor is embarrassing, because what kind of lightweight, weak, sad excuse for a peen sucker can't handle their jizz? This might be the only time in history when Parasite Hilton and I are shaking our heads in disgust at the same time. But Rod Stewart says that if rumors had stomachs, that rumor would have a stomach full of lies.
Esteemed journalist Katie Couric had Rod Stewart on her show and asked him extremely important questions like if it's true paramedics once put their hands on his stomach and started pumping until a cum geyser shot out of his mouth. Rod denied it:
“I used to have this guy work for me, he was a gay publicist… I had to fire him because he did something terrible, which I won’t go into. He wanted revenge so he started this rumor about me, and it was horrible because my kids were at school. So that is definitely not true. I'm as heterosexual as they come."
More like he's heterosexual until they come and then he's a ravenous cum slut. I refuse to believe Rod Stewart. What is he going to tell me next? That Jordan from New Kids never got his stomach pumped either or that Richard Gere doesn't have an entire gerbil farm up in his guts? Rod Stewart is only lying, because he's too ashamed to admit that he couldn't handle being the pass around mouth of the marines. I'd lie too.