Reality TV

Stop everything! This is the worst news ever. Danny Noriega's gorgeous chola mother is not going to the Idol finale, because Danny Noriega isn't going! Danny posted a YouTube for his fans and he went off on American Idol for not inviting him to the finale. Danny had to track down the skanks who are in charge of tickets, but he was told the show was full. The other semi-finalists were also not invited.

Screw the finale! I was hoping for lovely close-ups of gorgeous chola mother and now my dreams have been shattered! I'm sure a bunch of FOX stars that nobody cares about will be sitting front row. Bump their asses off and give those tickets to gorgeous chola mother and her son.

I must go console myself by snuggling up to a Sharpie.

Video of Danny's rant below:

Source: Vote For The Worst

Thanks Ben

Whitney Thomson became the first plus-sized winner of "America's Next Top Model" last night. It was pretty obvious. TyTy planned this shit from the beginning. She hatched out this plan over a steak dinner at "Houston's." Seriously, TyTy mentioned Houston's last night and it got me excited for some reason.

Rich from FourFour has some interesting info on how Whitney got on the show. A source told him that Whitney never auditioned for the show. She was approached by someone from the show. That's nothing new. I think many of the show's skanks were approached instead of auditioning for the show.

The source said at the time, Whitney was already modeling as a size 2 or 4. The person from the show told her size 4 was a little too big to compete as a regular model on the show. They told her if she gained around 10-20 pounds they would put her on the show as a plus-sized model. FourFour has some pictures of a much skinnier Whitney. Through the entire season, Whitney cried about how hard it was for her growing up fat or whatever.

Whitney, who is a size 8 or 10, talked to People about how she's embraced her curves, "Right before I left for the show, one of my best friends said to me, ‘You’re not going to go that far. You’re fat. Every week I would remember her saying that. And every week I was like, ‘In your face!’”

Yes, size 8 is considered "full-figured."

Anyway, I'm glad Anna Nicole Whitney won.

Aww....it looks like they are praying. Well, except for Fetus Archeluta. He looks like he's staring at a juicy banana. He sort of looks like a lil' monkey. So....find out which one of these whores went home after the jump. JUMP!!!!

When is this madness ending?! Yes, I know I don't have to watch American Idol, but I DO have to watch it. I've come this far and I have to finish what I've started even if my soul suffers. It's like a bad relationship. I have to see it through until the end. Thankfully, the end is near!

David Archuleta is so white that he's practically transparent. This is why he should NEVER say or sing the words "my boo" or "little mama." This is what happens when daddy isn't in charge. David ends up singing songs like Chris Brown's With You. My abuelita could have sang that shit with more soul and she would have backed it up and dropped it low.

Dlisted reader Kristin wrote this to me recently, "I think the problem with David Archuleta is that he hasn't lost his baby teeth yet." Kristin is right. I don't think he's gone through puberty yet. Shit, I don't think he ever will! Whenever he sings love songs, he's probably singing them to his pet turtle.

Basically, Syesha Mercado's twat could have sang the "Star Spangled Banner" on pitch and she still will be going home tonight. The poor thing doesn't have a chance in Paula Abdul hell to make it to the final 2.

Hopefully, I'm wrong and Syesha stays tonight. I would love to see the smug look on David Cook's face get slapped off by Gaycrest. It won't happen. Syesha is done. This time next year, she'll be the first standby in a dinner theater production of The Wiz.

Here's David Archuleta doing something he should never EVER do again.

I don't know what's more upsetting? The fact that the Real World is entering its 21st season or that it has chosen Brooklyn as its next location. 21 fucking seasons?! I can't believe they are still able to find fools who want to get drunk and vomit on basic cable television.

Shooting for Real World 21 begins this summer in Brooklyn. The show's co-creator sent Gothamist this release, "The Brooklyn season, like the Hollywood season, will focus on what people loved about 'The Real World' when it launched in 1992 - genuine people, meaningful conflict and powerful stories." Um...didn't the Hollywood season feature a bunch of skanks who got drunk and fucked each other? Really meaningful and powerful.

It's not know what part of Brooklyn the producers have chosen to terrorize, but some think it's going to be Williamsburg. Personally, I they should put that shit in East New York or Coney Island. Watching the locals beat the hell out of these wannabe whores will make it the best season ever.

Image: Gothamist

Unfortunately, that's not a huge cock she's gasping at. It's a measly engagement ring. Matt Grant proposed to Shayne Lamas on last night's season finale of The Bachelor. Matt just wants to be a part of Hollywood royalty. HA! Wait, if Matt married Shayne (which he won't), how will he be related to Shauna Sand? He really should have thought about this before he popped the question! Oh well, he still has Michelle Smith's crooked face to look forward to seeing at holidays.

Matt dumped Chelsea and she was pissed. She called Shayne the "falsest person here." If by "falsest," she means "gorgeous, glamorous and husky" then I agree. Chelsea will get over it by munching on some beaver. I seriously got major lesbo vibes from her. She is not strictly dickly.

When it came time to propose to Shayne, Matt got down on one knee and said, "Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne kind of gushed for the cameras and said yes. I'm surprised she didn't ask the producer, "Where's the good light? Which camera is on me? Can we do this again? I wasn't crying enough! Get the glycerine!"

She then told Matt, “I will marry you under one condition, that you will never look at another woman for the rest of our lives, because you have looked at way too many during our relationship.”

And that was that! I'm sure they already broken up and Shayne is negotiations to be the next Bachelorette. Fuck Shayne! Michelle Smith should be the next Bachelorette.

Clip of Shayne's Emmy performance is below:

David Archuleta's crazy stage daddy from hell, Jeff Archuleta, has reportedly been banned from rehearsals for "American Idol." TMZ claims that everyone including producers, contestants, the band and the vocal coaches have had it with him.

The straw that broke the Mormon's back came this past week when Jeff wanted to change the lyrics of David's first song "Stand By Me." Jeff wanted David to throw in a verse from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls." The producers denied his crazy ass. Well, David sang it anyway. This created a major problem with the song's publisher and Idol had to pay up.

Lawyers told Jeff that he was banned from all rehearsal rooms. He can attend the live show, but can't go backstage. TMZ also claims Jeff was banned from "Star Search" a few years back when David was a contestant on that show.

No wonder the judges get all wet for David! Jeff probably threatened to flush all of Paula's happy pills down the toilet if she didn't proclaim that his son is the second coming. Paula has no choice!

Seriously, if David Archuleta doesn't win, his face is going to end up on a milk carton. I'm voting for David Cook. Well, I want to see Jeff Archuleta storm the stage and take everyone hostage. Those Mormons can get crazy!

The full cast of Vh1's "I Love Money" reads like the CDC's Most Wanted list. Vh1 has announced the entire cast for the competition reality show which will pit the walking vagina warts from "Rock of Love," "I Love New York" and "Flavor of Love" against each other for a $250,000 grand prize. And the cast is...

From I Love New York:
12 Pack
Chance
The Entertainer
Heat
Midget Mac
Mr. Boston
Real
Whiteboy

From Rock of Love 1 & 2:
Brandi C
Destiney
Heather
Megan
Rodeo

From Flavor of Love 1 &2:
Hoopz
Nibblz
Pumkin
Toastee

Where the hell is Lip Chap, Daisy, Lacey and Angelique?! They must have not passed the health examination.

This shit will premiere July 13th at 9pm. Cannot. Wait.

And who made the final 3? I know your ass is just dripping with anticipation. Find out who went home after the jump. JUMP!!!!

The shit above is a doll someone made of Jason Castro. They put it up on eBay. They forgot to add the most important thing. His bong!!!! Methinks that evil (and delicious) demon, marijuana, had a lot to do with his performance last night. This is why potheads and live television do NOT mix. So, Jason Castro effed up big time by completely forgetting the words to one of my favorite Dylan tunes, "Mr. Tambourine Man." My drunk ass even knew the lyrics! I was singing along and kept going when he fucked up and I'm not even competing for a damn record contract!

This dumb bitch let the weed fuck him up! Hey, it happens. People won't care if he messes up his lyrics when he's singing for quarters in the subway in a couple of months. Aww....Castro is such a lovable pothead, but get thee shit together! You know Castro and Paula Abdul do bong hits in the "green" room. It ain't called the green room for nothing.

I'm seriously sick of all these bitches! Syesha Mercado had the fucking audacity to do "Proud Mary" and did the exact same moves as Tina Turner. Bitch, you aren't Tina! Ike, maybe.

David Archuleta needs to get some damn Visine for his eyes already. His excessive blinking is starting to give me a seizure. This slut already knows he has this in the bag, but he still has to put on that "oh gee, you really like me" face. Get over it fetus! You know you have this. You have the pedos and the tweens of the country wrapped around your fat finger.

At this point, the only whore I'm rooting for is David Cook. Why, I'm not sure. I would never listen to his music or buy anything he was selling. Shit, the same goes for the other 3 skanks. Producers of Idol need to scrap these 4 skanks and declare Danny Noriega the winner by default. It's the right thing to do.

Basically, Castro is going home tonight. He doesn't give a fuck and he'd rather be sitting in his room with a joint while watching "Wayne's World 2."

Below is Castro taking a sledgehammer to "Mr. Tambourine Man." That isn't right what he did. No, it's not.