Reality TV

It was the cunts of NYC vs. the cunts of O.C. at Bravo's A-List Awards the other night in NYC.

Bethenny of NYC told People that it started while they were all going over the script. Bethenny said, “They [The O.C. Housewives] said in our material that my apartment is a two-by-four, and it’s actually a one-by-two, and so I can take it, I don’t care. But they’re offended that I’m saying something about them living 65 miles from the beach. Jeana said, ‘I don’t think that’s funny.’”

When they got backstage, it went down. Tamra from O.C. claims Bethenny went at her ass, “Bethenny scratched me a little bit. I swear to god. She tried to get me from behind and I put my arm up, and she scratched me. I covered it with makeup." Tamra's lying. Her skin just went back to normal because she's made out of plastic.

Bethenny denied the catfight, but said, “Give me a can of hairspray and a match, and I’ll take care of that in the dressing room later.” To which Tamra responded, “The Housewives of the O.C. can kick the Housewives of N.Y.C.’s ass!"

Their children must be so proud. These are 85-year-old women for fucks sake! Ok, maybe they aren't 85, but close too it. If you're going to fight, don't scratch! Shank a bitch and then kick her in the snatch bone.

I'm on neither of their teams. I'm on "Team Get This Shit On Video Next Time."

It's Tamra, Vicki, Lauri and Jeana from "The Real Housewives of Orange County." There's a couple of other housewives missing, but who cares about them? They were the boring ones. It's nice to see these tramp hags again! I've missed their shiny faces and empty personalities.

Lauri is a real trooper. Her son recently got busted for trying to sell heroin, but she still showed up with her face held high. Held REALLY high. Some of these memaws look knocked up, but it's just a little botox bloat.

Here they are at last night's Bravo's A-List Awards in NYC. A is for asshole. They were joined by "The Housewives of NYC." Desperate hag circle jerk!

I've also thrown in some pictures of Rachel "Chupacabara" Zoe because she really needs some help from the housewives.

Every dumbass (including me) that watched "The Real Housewives of Orange County" knows that Lauri's son, Josh, was always getting into it trouble. When he was 16, he was caught with drugs and booze at school and was sent to juvi. When Lauri met her sugar daddy George, Josh moved in with George's ex-wife. COLD! Well, Josh's problems haven gotten worse.

TMZ reports that Josh was arrested outside of a Comfort Inn in Laguna Beach allegedly trying to sell heroin and ecstasy. They also found tons of drugs in his room. When Josh first saw the fuzz, he tried to run away. Cops say he was looking mighty high.

In Josh's defense, you would be hitting the heroin too if your mom was two plastic surgeries away from looking just like Joan Van Ark.

I actually like Lauri and her hatchet face, but that bitch needs to take some of her new money and throw her son in rehab. Real Housewives of OC is coming back soon, so you know Lauri is going to make sure this little situation is included. She's practicing pushing out tears from her tight ass face as we speak. Mission impossible!

Ambre Lake, the winner of Crack Rock of Love 2, got a new job and it's not another Vh1 reality show. That's a first. Ambre is starring in a new interactive movie called Project Slasher. It's described as a horror version of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Oh shit! Do you remember those books? They never worked for me, because I always cheated.

Anyway, in the movie you decide Ambre's fate. Should she run into the woods or run into the barn? Basically, you choose if she lives or dies. I played it for about 10 seconds, but got bored of this mess. I kept waiting for Bret Michael to pop out of the woods without his bandanna on. I don't think my heart or bowels could take that. Shit, that's the face Ambre made when she first saw what's hiding underneath Bret's kerchief.

I only posted this shit, because I still haven't broken up with the skanks of Rock of Love. It's hard to say goodbye. Also, I thought Ambre was like a respected TV host or some shit? Now she's doing low-rent online horror movies? Soft-core is next! Soft-core memaw porn!

Oh and I have no idea if she's still with Bret. I'm going to take a wild guess and say she isn't.

Click here to play Project Slasher, but if you give an eff.

VIA People

"Living Lohan" and "Denise Richards: I'm Constipated" premiered last night and two words perfectly sum up both shows: DOG SHIT! Seriously, why are dogs on reality shows always shitting on the carpet? Always! I notice these things.

The Osbournes' dogs shit on the rugs. Anna Nicole's Sugarpie shit on the rugs. Jessica Simpson's Daisy shit on the rugs. My dog is the dumbest (but hottest) bitch on the planet and even he doesn't go caca times on the rugs.

Denise Richards' show took it to the next level last night. Her pet pig shit on the floor and then one of her dog's ate it (below). The dog learned how to do that from his days with Charlie Sheen.

Don't ask me what else happened on Denise and White Oprah's shows, because the animal shit is all I remembered. That should tell you something.

This has been another quality post brought to you by Michael K! I can't help it. This shit bothers me!

Vh1 has released the 5-minute long trailer of "I Love Money" aka "I Love STDs." This shit is like the Real World/Road Rules Challenges but skankier. That's hard to believe, because I'm pretty sure the RW/RR Challenges gave me a bad case of the clap.

I Love Money pits the whores of Flavor of Love, Rock of Love and I Love New York against each other as they battle it out for a $250,000. They can buy a lot of valtrex and Plan B with that money!

The show looks like it has everything any amazing reality should have: douche sex, screaming matches for no reason, overuse of the word "bitch" and Heather Chadwell! Ok, the show is missing three very important things. I'm talking about New York, Hottie and Lacey.

This shit is going to be a mess.

Click here if you can't see the vid above

Thanks Sadie

YO MAMA! Yo mama probably would make for a better winner. Anway, find out who won this dog and pony show after the jump. JUMP!!!!

I can see the light. The end is here. We still have to sit through 50-hours of the finale show tonight, but then it's done. FOREVER! Well, until the fall when the next season starts. At this point, it doesn't matter which one of these drips wins. I had to down several Airbone and vodkas just to keep from drifting off into a Paula Abdul coma. These two wet bitches are so fucking boring! Both of them could be the new faces of Nytol. If you didn't watch the show, don't bother. Instead, pour yourself a bowl of Rice Krispies in milk and listen to it snap, crackle AND pop. You'll get a better show.

DialIdol.com predicts that David Cook will win tonight. I still think that Fetus Archuleta is going to take it. The judges are so far up his asshole that they probably know in detail what his organs looks like. Randy Jackson basically gave Archuleta handjob after handjob last night. Archuleta would have cum, but I don't think he's capable of doing that. Shit, I don't think he's fully developed yet. His daddy better make sure he's doubled up on the diapers tonight. When they announce him as the winner, he'll probably wet his pants. He can't help it, because he can't hold it!

David Cook seems like he's over this shit and I don't blame him. I secretly hope he wins, but he won't. The producers and judges have already decided Archuleta needs to win. It's their gift to all the pedos that watch this mess.

The only way I can deal with tonight's long ass finale is if Paula Abdul is in top form. Bring on the crazy Paula! The country needs you!

And what was up with the boxing theme last night? G-A-Y! They might as well have done an oil wrestling theme.

DeAnna Pappas is back looking for love as "The Bachelorette." The show came back for its 4th seasons last night and I'm probably the only one who watched it.

I liked DeAnna when she got her heart torn to shreds by Brad on "The Bachelor," but I can't stand her ass anymore. They might as well have gotten a talking mannequin. The show isn't about the bachelorette, it's about the douche bags that are trying to win her love.

Most of these dudes are busted in the face! I mean, I would only do about 20 out of 25 of them and that's saying a lot, because I'll do anyone. There wasn't even that much drunken shenanigans! I mean, one dude jumped into the pool and then took off his clothes revealing a bikini with DeAnna's name on it. Unfortunately, he was a midget with a hatchet face! Of course, DeAnna kept him around.

She didn't keep my favorite dude, the oyster farmer. He's the only gentleman to give DeAnna a pearl necklace upon meeting her. He gave her a pearl necklace and she eliminated him! What a bitch. When a dude gives me a pearl necklace, I usually give him my checkbook. Dickmatized.

In the clip above, one of my other favorite dudes, Greg, shows DeAnna what she's missing after she eliminates him. Seriously, she's missing out. I'm sure he can crush beer cans with his ass cheeks and burp "Free Bird" too. Swooooon.

ANOTHER Vh1 reality show starring the slags of "Rock of Love" will premiere this Fall. I think Vh1 owns these hos. Vh1 is a pimp. Anyway, Sharon Osbourne has been announced as the host and mentor of "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School" which is a spin-off of both Charm School and Rock of Love. I'm so confused.

Breakout stars from both seasons of “Rock of Love” will come together under one roof to learn and grow in areas of etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. They will be refined in hopes to graduate “Charm School” as sophisticated and polite ladies. And who better to push these girls down the road to renewal and re-discovery than Sharon Osbourne. As Headmistress of “Charm School,” Sharon will attempt to strip the girls of their former rebellious and wild ways. And with some help from experts, hopefully transform the girls into fully rockin’ ladies.

The contestants will focus on one lesson a week followed by a demanding test. Whoever doesn’t measure up to the challenges of “Charm School” will be expelled. In the end, the last one standing will be rewarded with $100,000 to put towards her new and improved life.

Sharon Osbourne was chosen, because she's such a fucking lady.....and she was available for cheap.

A Wikipedia page has already gone up with a rumored cast featuring:

Rock of Love 1: Brandi, Rodeo, Dallas, Erin, Heather, Tiffany & Lacey
Rock of Love 2: Angelique, Aubry, Daisy, Destiney, Kristy Joe & Megan

Tiffany, Angelique, Heather AND Daisy in the same room together? I think I just caught syphilis and alcohol addiction just from typing out those four names in a row.

Vh1's other trainwreck of a show, "I Love Money" premieres July 13th.