Rachel Zoe

Rachel "Chupcabra" Zoe's womb might be as small as a hallowed out raisin, but someway somehow a fetus has managed to squeeze itself in there. Hey, I've lived in apartments so small that I was able to take a dump while making my twin bed at the same time, so I have no sympathy for chupa fetus. Suck it up, chupa fetus! But not lit-er-ally, because that could make her raisin womb even smaller.

So...all last season on The Rachel Zoe Project, Chupa's husband Roger kept begging her for a baby. And not the kind of baby she brings home in the middle of the night to feed from on the bathroom floor. NO! A baby of their very own. Well, flip that hair, Roger, because a source tells OK! Magazine that Chupa is now eating for one!

This source says that 39-year-old (yeah, I know you want to see the receipts) Chupa is whispering to her closest friends that she's 3-months knocked up. The source went on to say, “But now that she’s pregnant, she’s telling people that this is something that she and Roger have wanted for many years and she’s finally at a level of success where she can afford to take some time off. She’s going to be going on maternity leave from full time styling immediately after this year’s Academy Awards, and doesn’t expect to work again until early fall at the earliest. She and Rodger are especially happy and Rachel, who can normally be quite emotionless, even teared up a few times as she started letting people in on the news.”

Don't tear up, Chupa! That's less nourishment for the chupa baby! Yeah, I don't really know how this happened either since I doubt Chupa even lets Roger cum in her out of fear that she'll gain more calories. Hell, she probably doesn't even let him bust some man chowder on her skin, because the cum calories could get into her system through her pores! This will be interesting.

And their baby is totally going to look like this:

Lock up your newborn babies in a Chinese Laundry or Payless shoe box, because there's going to be a new chupa waiting to snatch them by the neck! Yeah, Chupa won't get near anything related to Chinese Laundry.

Before Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe can sink her fangs into Brad Goreski and suck the everything out until all that's left is a pile of skin (which she'll paste onto her bones after her old skin moults off), he has decided to hit the evacuation slide and quit that bitch.

In a statement, which sounds like it was written while a Bette Midler song played in the background, to People, Brad says that he is no longer Chupa's main slave and won't be on the next season of Bravo's The Rachel Zoe Project.

“I love Rachel and she’s taught me everything I know. But there’s a point where either I do it now or I’ll never know what it’s like to spread my wings and soar.”

Chupa says that Brad told her a month ago and she couldn't stop hugging him. Uh huh. Trying to get in that last bite to the froat before the prey flies away.

“We couldn’t stop hugging and we couldn’t stop crying. He did this with such class and elegance. And I get it. I just told him, ‘I’m here for you always.’ We have a relationship that’s not normal. I jump into bed with him and wake him up and we have these pow wows and he’s like, ‘Wow, I haven’t brushed my teeth,’ I don’t want to hire somebody for the purpose of the show, we just got lucky. No one’s ever going to be Brad to me.”

Good, maybe now Brad won't be as busy. Seriously, 90% of that show is Chupa and Brad going on and on about how busy they are. Chupa can't even sit down at the dinner table to NOT think about eating, because she's busy matching the perfect Dior Homme cock ring with the perfect Versace pants. Chupa forces her husband to cut his hair like pedophile Justin Bieber, so she won't ever be tempted to bump bones with him. She doesn't have time!

Anyways, Brad will be missed from the show. Mostly because, now 99% of the show will be Chupa farting about how busy her life is. You know if she didn't talk about being busy as much as she talks about being busy, she probably wouldn't be that busy.

No, these are not pictures from BODIES: The Exhibition. It's Rachel "Chupa" Zoe keeping her bones toasty hot in St. Barts. And while she's doing that, I think I'll go and lick every picture on ThisIsWhatYoureFat.com. I'll save you a spot at the table, Chupa.

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

As a bitchy gay brother myself, I know that it's in my job description to kindly take my sister to the side and fix her whenever she's looking busted. If I don't tell her she looks all kinds of wrong, who will? So when I read Christopher Ciccone's cunty comments about the way his sister looked at the VMAs, I didn't really think he was being mean-spirited. Since Vadge crushes her cell phone with her bare hands whenever he calls, he had no choice but to give his critique to E! News. Christopher is speaking from the bottom of his famewhoring heart.

This is what Chris said:

"She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don't keep. It's painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him."

While both Vadge and Chupa bathe in virgin's blood weekly, I don't see the resemblance at all.

But wait, let's compare a picture of Vadge with a picture of Chupa without her make-up on:

Okay, Christopher might have a point.

But seriously, methinks Christopher is just a tad bit jealous that Vadge has enough hair to BUMP her way to fabulousness with. Oh, Christopher, I'm sure you have enough hair down there. BUMP your pube bush!

For some reason, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is in Blanco, TX. Maybe she was styling Shelley Duvall for the Roswell UFO Festival? Yeah, who knows, but somehow Chupa ended up passing out in some dude's barn. She probably had too much Starbucks and Adderall and crashed majorly.

Chupa was discovered by some hillbillies who took her to the local taxidermist. It's happened before. Chupa will be fine. I'm sure she'll wake up from her caffeine coma in a couple of days and strut back to Hollywood where she'll shut it down for Eva Mendes and throw bananas at Anne Hathaway. Or something. Yes, I watch her show. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Here's Chupa looking much healthier a few days ago with her husband in Malibu.

Well, this is an odd couple. Last night in Malibu, MiserAlba and Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe had a meal together. Well, MiserAbla probably ate while Chupa just nibbled from a Ziploc bag filled with the eyelashes of babies and Nicole Richie's old dried-up fat cells. Chupa's diet explains why her mop looks like a scarecrow's armpit hair......

Seriously, what in the name of singed Barbie hair is that on her head?! I just want to throw a gallon of Gatorade over Chupa's head, because her hair is looking mighty thirsty. A bottle of lotion will instantly dry up just by looking at her hay head. Put a Wesson factory on it!

I have been feeling like the bottom of a cat litter box today, but now I feel like a fresh Mother's cookie after seeing this picture. At least I look like I can breathe oxygen without the help of a tank.

Fuck damn these bitches look beat. And the ho on the left isn't SamRo after hitting puberty. It's designer Matthew Williamson at the opening of his new store in NYC.

They should hang this picture up in schools to promote staying off the bad shit and eating vegetables instead.

I don't know who looks more haggard: HoHan or Chupa Zoe? I mean, HoHan looks like she crawled out of an OxyContin bottle. And Chupa looks like she can't chew solid foods. If you sprinkled salt over them, they'd shrivel down even more. Somebody needs to hook them up to an Ensure drip.

Earlier in the fall, I sort of fell in like with Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe and her reality show. I KNOW! I tried so hard not to like her. Every time I started to feel a little warmness for her, I'd change the channel, but I'd always go back. As someone who doesn't completely despise her, I feel it's my duty to tell her: DRINK SOME VIRGIN BLOOD! Seriously! Chupacabra looks like she's been without the nectar of her victims for some time now. Chupa is only thirty seven and she looks about eleventy thirty seven!

On her show, she regularly tells people they are "shutting it down" when they look hot. Well, Chupa is not shutting it down here. It looks like some of her internal organs might be shutting it down, but that's about it. Chupa also describes things as "bananas." Well, Chupa needs to eat a few banana trees....whole.

People usually want washboard abs, not a washboard chest! Somebody please sacrifice one of those Disney whores to Chupa. We could do without them, but I can't do without season 2 of her shit show!

Below is Chupa with her assistant Brad at The Cracked Xmas Fundraiser in Los Angeles last night.

Kate Hudson was in a full elevator, on her way to the roof top party for Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's new reality show, when she started freaking out like her vagina was on fire. A source told Page Six: "In the elevator she kept screeching, 'I'm freaking out! It's too much!' while waving her arms around."

Maybe her vagina was on fire? It's possible. She did sleep with Dax Shepard once. Or maybe she suddenly realized that she might have to look at Chupa up-close. That would make even the calmest whore go into panic attacks.

I'm seriously pissed at the people in that elevator. They lost their chance to really send Kate over the edge. If Kate Hudson started losing her caca in an elevator with me, I would calmly look at her with cunty eyes while pushing the emergency button. After the elevator came to a screeching halt, I'd sit back and relax while Kate climbed the walls like a trapped rat in heat.

When Kate finally got out of the elevator, she refused to do any press, saying, "I don't do that." Her spokesbitch denies the whole story. They said: "This is all ridiculous and completely untrue. Kate did go to Rachel's party to celebrate her new show, had a great time and left with the group of girlfriends she came with."

Now I know that spokesbitch's statement is a lie. Kate leaving a party with a group of GIRLfriends? It it doesn't have a working peen, Kate isn't leaving with it.

Image: Getty