Rachel Uchitel

Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.

So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.

Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.

Long before Rachel Uchitel was Tiger Woods' head side piece turned Celebrity Rehabber, she was a girl mourning the loss of her fiance who died during the attacks on 9/11. So because the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is coming up, Page Six Magazine asked Cuchitel about the death of her fiance. Cuchitel said in so many words that if he didn't die she would've been wiping baby barf off of her fupa in Long Island instead of being one of the country's highest paid whores and best known married man fuckers.

“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.

I would be a fat housewife with three kids in Sands Point, LI."

BUT WAIT! The mound of delusional stuffed into a silicone empanada tells TMZ that just like her lips, that story from Page Six is made of lies. Cuchitel says that Page Six twisted her words and what she really said is that she'd love nothing more than to be Andy's housewife. Her lawyer Gloria Allred is already barking at Page Six and The New York Post, but they stand by what they printed and are refusing to say they're sorry.

Who(re) to believe. Who(re) to believe. Page Six is an esteemed literary journal that would never play a game of Twister with a ho's words in order to add a heavy dose of WTF to one of their articles. And Rachel Cuchitel is the epitome of tact and gracefulness who would never EVER ejaculate dingles of ridiculousness from her mouth in order to keep her name on the public's eyes. This is obviously just a case of misunderstanding. Page Six has selective hearing and thanks to those bloated collagen cocoons on that bitch's mouth, she probably sounds like a baboon farting out the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner into a fan when she talks.